The cliché is true, I guess. The older I get, the grumpier I get. So many little things that people do have, in recent years, began to needle away at me. And that's exactly what they are - little things - but I just can't help it. Oh, how I long for the days of the carefree and innocent Ewar! Alas, it is not to be - I'm too old, too cynical. So as I've got nothing else to blog about, here's a list of things - little things, of course - that are seriously irritating.
Once you've read my list, feel free to vent your spleen in the comments box below. Remember I get to choose which comments get published, mind, so any 'hilarious' "This blog irritates me lol" stuff will be swiftly discarded. You don't go attacking my baby! Talking of which...
BABY IN THE OFFICE - I worked for over two years in an office where I was the only man, a lonely child surrounded by (perfectly nice) middle aged women. As we employed about fifty people - the vast majority of which were also female - who traipsed their way into the office most days, I soon realised that the dreaded "Baby in the office" situation was always round the corner. Cooing, gurgling, farting, screaming, crying - and that was just me. Is there anything more annoying than having a stranger's baby waved in your face?
Maybe it's because I'm a man, so I'm not maternal and all of that guff, but it drove me insane. The mere thought of it happening in the future makes me reach for my stress ball. You can breed, well done, but I've got some timesheets to check so kindly sod off.
"SUBTLE" ADVERTISING - This is one where it's easier to show you, rather than tell you:
The song is passable, but it's the video which irritates me greatly - namely the bit between 1:20 and 1:30. Is there any need for such shameless advertising in a music video? No sir there is not!
THE APPRENTICE - Right now really isn't the time to teach young twattish upstarts that the way to succeed in business is to be jumped up selfish twerps obsessed with greed and deceit who will be quick to point the blame at anyone or anything as soon as things go "wrong". One massive wet dream for right-wingers presided over by a hairy cornflake who's technology is, as they say in the trade, "fucking shit".
THE YOUNG APPRENTICE - No. Just, no.
TARDINESS IN SHOPS - This is usually a female thing I'm afraid. You've gone into a shop and you've selected the goods you desire to purchase. You walk to the check-out where you join a queue. You queue for 3 minutes, and then when you get to the front of the queue...you start digging around in your handbag for your purse. WOMEN! Come on, you are better than this! If you are going to do this, perhaps try doing it when I'm not standing one place behind you in the line? Thanks.
BAD MANNERS - When I'm Supreme Leader - and I will be - anyone who is found spitting will be the first to be taken into camps. The same if you litter, if you eat with your mouth open, if you talk with your mouth full, if you have a loud conversation on your phone when sitting in a train carriage.
PEOPLE TRYING TO SELL ME THINGS - I know you're doing your job, and that's good, but if I've said "no" I mean it. Don't persist.
Ewar's handy tip! I've found lately that saying "I already have it" works really well with these guys. e.g. Man with tie: "Five minutes to talk to you about the new Sky+ HD service sir?" Me: "I already have it!" (continue walking)
PETROL STATION ETIQUETTE - Filled up your car? Good for you. Paid for the petrol? Good for you. Now, please, leave. Get out. Don't arse about with your glove compartment. Don't put your seatbelt on until you've reached a safe place on the foyer away from me. Consideration, people.
HAVING NOTHING TO BLOG ABOUT - As I've found these past few weeks. Irritating.
THE NATIONAL OBSESSION WITH PIPPA MIDDLETON - She is related to someone. She has a bottom. Good for her.
SALLY MORGAN - "Psychic"? I can think of other words, none of which I can type here as she seems the sort who'd like a good court case.
ITVs FOOTBALL COVERAGE - Clive Tyldesley, Gordon Strachan, Jim Beglin, Roy Keane. Can you imagine a bigger bunch of pricks? And that's not even taking into consideration the worst human being on the planet, my mortal enemy, Mr Peter "A GOAL FOR ALL OF AFRICA!" Drury. Monumental bell-end.
PEOPLE WHO DON'T WALK - Painfully common at university. What's that? You'd rather take the lift than walk one flight of stairs? Really?
DRAW/DRAWER - Please stop putting things in a "draw".
BOOTS ADVERTS - Perhaps we can have a Christmas without having to hear "Here Come the Girls" seventeen times a day every day?
QUESTION TIME'S OBSESSION WITH BARONESS WARSI - Awful, awful woman.
GOLF CLUB SNOBS - Goddamn phonies with their club jumpers and ties, shouting off about women in the clubhouse whilst reading The Daily Mail and leering at the barmaid. These people are invariably shit at the game despite professing to play twice a week every week.
(I should stop but I'm too angry to do so, so here's a few more)
PEOPLE WHO LEAVE THEIR BAGS ON THE SEAT NEXT TO THEM ON THE TRAIN - Scum. Sub-human scum.
ACCUMULATORS THAT FALL AT THE FIRST HURDLE - Dear betting gods. I know I'm not going to win. Just at least let me enjoy the tension of it going down to the final game or two? This is magnified a million times when it's the early 12:45 kick-off on a Saturday that screws it up.
PEOPLE WHO WRITE SHIT POETRY - Bet it doesn't even rhyme.
ALANIS MORISSETTE NOT UNDERSTANDING IRONY
HAVING TO GOOGLE THE CORRECT SPELLING OF ALANIS MORISSETTE'S SURNAME
WALKING TO THE TRAIN STATION ON A WET, COLD, DAMP AND DEPRESSING OCTOBER DAY - The worst on the list, by a mile.
Well, that was cathartic. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to walk to the train station on a wet, cold...