Tuesday, 13 July 2010

My Scribblings 1/4

Sorry I've neglected the blog. Truth is, I've had nothing to write about really. There have been no barmy letters into The Sloppy Star. I think we've all had enough of the World Cup. No funny videos. No jokes. No "burning issues". Nothing.

So, in an interesting, left-field kinda way, for the next few blog entries I'm going to put up on here some bits and pieces of writing that I've done in the last few years. They're mostly shit, I agree, but I figure it's better than nothing. There's 2 pieces of university work, and then 2 sports articles I've done, one of which was published in the populist bullshit publication 'Crywolf'. Let me know what you think, positive or negative, all comments welcome.

This first piece was for a university assignment. It's a "flash fiction", which means it couldn't be more than 200 words. It was actually a lot harder to write than you would think, as once you get an idea the word-count really does start to rocket up, and so you have to concentrate a lot on tightening up your writing and being thrifty, yet still getting your story across.

My piece clocks in at 198 words, and is entitled "A Simple Equation"

Months of preparation and practice were about to be rewarded. Boring farts had tried persuading us that spending the time revising would have achieved the same result, but where was the fun in that?

The seating plan was obviously vital. Good old Ford – alphabetical again, one brother sitting next to the other, again. Showtime. Just make sure not to get distracted by the leggy blonde invigilator. Girls do better than boys, shock horror.

The admin crap was spouted. Protractors were handed out, and the times were scribbled on the white board.

“You may begin. Good luck.”

And then the only thing you could hear was the terrifying sound of papers being turned over.

I took a deep breath, and then extended my index finger out straight. David smiled, than fiddled with his watch. I circled the letter A.

I paused as Ford ambled past, than we started again. I held out 2 fingers straight, like I was flicking the V at him, sideways. He coughed, and I circled C.

The simple plans are the best, after all. Now I just have to work out how I got one more mark than David did.

Good old Ford, the nutter.

Sunday, 27 June 2010

Next Stop - ????

Earlier on today I was cleaning my room when I happened to find the England flag my Dad got free from a Gillette promotion about a month ago. I hung it up over my bed, weighed down by a pile of DVDs at one end and a pile of XBox games at the other. If I turn to my right, it's still there - I can't bring myself to take it down after less than a day.

The England game today made me feel angry - much more angry than I would ever have thought I could feel over the England national team. I've always been a United >>> England man, but this World Cup I found myself being sucked back in, guilty of falling for the hype, the anticipation, the excitement.

I want to talk for a little while about where I think England went wrong, a follow up to my last posting where I concluded with a little bit of positivity. Hey, I was caught up with it all. In this blog post I'm not going to talk about the Lampard "goal" - it crossed the line, yes. It was a goal, yes. It should have been 2-2 at half time, yes yes yes. But to think England went out because of that is, I fear, short-sighted. I also fear the media will concentrate on that and not the bigger issues at hand here.

'Just 10% of our players have a good first touch, and we have to make it 80%'

A quote from Glenn Hoddle, about 13 years ago. I use it because sadly, based on today's game, it's still relevant. For a nation that's meant to be a footballing heavyweight, with outstanding individual players, the ball control is appalling, the good first touch is non-existent, the ball retention is shameful compared to, well, most other nations. Possession is 9/10ths of the law, and it certainly applies to football. I can't think of a single moment at this World Cup where England passed the ball around and looked comfortable on it, composed on it, assured on it. I don't want to labour the point, but at the end of a recent Carlsberg advert there's a shot of Bobby Moore - the best example of how a player, playing any position on a football pitch, can use the ball in an manner that befits calmness and clarity of thought.

Ah yes, thought. The art of thinking. In my opinion, the England players are thick.

Did that get your attention? I think it's true though. Earlier on today the commentator described the German midfielder Mesut Ozil as 'a clever footballer'. How many England players could you say the same? I can only think of one, and that's being generous to Joe Cole. There's different types of "clever" on a football pitch though - the creative nature shown above is one aspect, the other is understanding the game you're in. The situation that is happening around you. Understanding what needs to be done, rather than what you want to do.

'If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs'

Germany's 4th goal today came in the 68th minute of the game. For all of you mathematicians out there, that's with 22 minutes to go. 22 minutes? That's almost 1/4 of the game.

England were on top in the second half - Lampard hit the bar, the Germans were rattled, and the England goal was coming. Then came the Germans 3rd goal, which was a classy piece of counter-attacking play. Problems - but not terminal ones. Bring on some impact subs (more on Capello later), get a goal back quickly and you have plenty of time to get an equaliser. Hey, you have 1/4 of the game left to go, right? There is no need to panic.

So, Mr John Terry, the absolute worst thing you can do is go charging up the field like a madman and try and be a hero. "Terry has stormed forward here" said the commentator, at which point I turned to my father and said "So what happens if they now break away again?". Naturally they then did - Ozil got past Gareth Barry (no idea what he was doing by the way) and made his way to the penalty area. If John Terry was there, no problem. But he wasn't - he was in the other box. Ball laid across to Muller for the 4th, thanks very much. 3-1 wasn't terminal with 1/4 of the game left to go. 4-1 certainly was. There was no need, John. No need at all.

Oh Fabio, you're not getting away scot-free either my friend. In the first half every piece of German play was coming from the right hand side. No real surprise, considering that it was Ashley Cole against Muller, Ozil and Lahm. Our left sided midfielder? LOL jk, as the kids say - we didn't have one. This was all taking place on the touchline where Capello was standing a few feet away from, so his poor eyesight is no excuse. Gerrard on the left, Milner on the left, Lampard on the left, Joe Cole on the left - doesn't matter. When they all naturally want to drift inside and leave the touchline completely vacant, it really doesn't matter. Meanwhile, Adam Johnson sits at home crying. ANY left winger sits at home crying, as Capello picks up his £6m a year from the FA. I think he's a good manager, don't get me wrong (you can't argue with his track record) but his stubbornness and inflexibility has cost England at this World Cup.

There is so much more I want to type - in preparation for this blog post I got out a pad of paper and jotted down why I thought England performed so poorly, and I ended up with 13 different things. But I imagine most of you have stopped reading by now, so let's leave the defeat behind, let's leave the negativity behind and look forward.

1) In my opinion, there is no point sacking Capello if there's no adequate replacement. Harry Redknapp? Too much baggage for the FA - the next Brian Clough in that respect. And why would he walk away from Champions League football? Roy Hodgson? Possibly going to take the Liverpool job. Whoever it is though, they need to have a major clear-out. Keep a few senior players, for the experience, but bring through the youth.

My team for the Euro 2012 qualifiers would be:

Hart, Johnson, Dawson, King, A Cole, Lennon, Milner, Huddlestone, Johnson, Rooney, Crouch

There is talent coming through beyond those names as well - Wilshire, Cleverley, Walcott (lol), Rodwell, Moses, Cattermole, Vaughan, Sturridge, Delph, Carroll, Delfonso, Gibbs, Gosling, Jones...I'm not saying all these are going to be internationals, or world-beaters, but it's a selection of names which gives some hope for future England teams, and which gives us a signal that for the "golden generation" it's pretty much all over.

2) Establish an academy like the French have at Clairefontaine, and teach young players to express themselves - not to stifle them with pragmatism and negative play, but to encourage them to play with freedom yet with purpose. I watched Lionel Messi play the other night. He made about 10 dribbles during the game, with about 8 leading to him being quickly dispossessed. Did that deter him? Will he go out in future and play negative football? No, because of the way he's been coached throughout his youth, as well as how he has learnt to trust himself, he'll keep on being Messi, and he'll keep on being brilliant.

3) Stem the tide of foreign players into the English clubs. For every Bergkamp and Zola, there is an average foreign player who is taking away a place for a promising English player at their club, mainly because their wages are so cheap. I have no idea how you enforce this, thanks to EU freedom of movement and all that jazz, but if the FA are serious about having a good national team, they need to explore ways of doing this, and soon.

I promise I'm going to stop now, as you've all fallen asleep. Before I go off and sleep, however, there's a flag that needs to be taken down...

Monday, 21 June 2010

Next Stop - Panicville

By now you should have recovered from the living nightmare that was England 0-0 Algeria. After that result and the 1-1 draw against the US of A qualification from the group is looking a wee bit precarious. So what's happened?

There's been plenty of excuses bounding around - "IT'S THE BALL!" "IT'S THOSE BLOODY VUVUZELAS!" "IT'S THE ALTITUDE!" "THE PLAYERS DON'T CARE!" "IT'S NICK CLEGGS FAULT!" etc etc. In terms of why England are performing poorly, here's my two cents:

1) Gerrard and Lampard can't play in the same midfield. I know this isn't an original thought, but by God it's true. Both have the same natural instinct - running forward from the centre circle into the box and scoring goals. Based on the two games so far, Capello is asking these two to do a job that they're not comfortable with. Both look stifled, both look ineffective, particularly Gerrard who was asked to play on the left against the Algerians (No Fabio, no!) Whilst Heskey does a good job leading the line in a 4-4-2, I'd drop him and tuck Gerrard in behind Rooney. That isn't ideal, I admit, but if something isn't working, you have to change it.

2) Expectation. Quite simply, there's too much of it. Before that game on Friday, the Algerian players probably didn't know or care what their press were writing/saying, whatever the result. The England players however knew that anything other than a convincing win, and they're getting hammered by the press.

If Frank Lampard has a bad game for Chelsea, the fans stream out of Stamford Bridge having a little grumble about Frank not being on form, but it doesn't matter because next week he'll be better. If Frank Lampard has a bad game for England, it's a national crisis - he should be dropped, never play for England again, a disgrace to his country, cares more about his club blah blah blah.

There's an interesting baseball analogy here:

In 2007, the Chicago Cubs were one of the best teams in baseball, reaching the play-offs. They promptly lost 3 games out of 3, and went home.

In 2008, the Chicago Cubs were one of the best teams in baseball, reaching the play-offs. They promptly lost 3 games out of 3 , and went home.

It's now been 102 years since the Cubs have won the World Series. So why can they be so good in the regular season, and so bad in the play-offs? Quite simply, it's the weight of expectation, and it's crushed the Cubs for over 100 years, and it could well crush England this tournament and many others. "40 years of hurt" and all that may be witty, but it may not be helping either. "The players don't care". Wrong - total opposite. They care too much, they're too aware. They are being stifled.

3) Rooney isn't right. At the end of last season, United rushed him back into action after injury because, to be honest, he was their only hope. I'm certain his poor form is a result of this. Whether he's carrying an injury, or whether he's completely frazzled out, it's a huge worry, considering that he would be the first name on your team sheet.

Despite all this however, I still think England have a chance at going far. No, really, I do. A win in the final group game against Slovenia and England are in the last 16, where the competition really gets started. And let's not forget Spain losing to Switzerland, Germany losing to Serbia, Italy being held with New Zealand, France imploding so dramatically. It's a funny tournament you know, with plenty of twists and turns still to come. Don't write England off just yet.

Here's the team I would pick if I was Don Capello. Please take a moment to marvel at my Paint skills:

Wednesday, 16 June 2010

Distractions!

It's difficult being a student in this day and age. I know I can't moan about this too much, and that you can always resist temptation, but distractions are being thrown at us every minute of every day from all angles - whether it be on the internet, games consoles, TV, DVDs, music, books, pubs, sport....

When faced with a choice between those lovely things, and an essay question such as:

"Stephen Goldblatt once noted that chocolate doughnuts are more satisfying than those with a jam filling. Present an argument for or against this statement, making sure to reference Lambert Simnel and Milton's Areopagitica in your reasoning." (5,000 words)

it's easy to see how us students slide to the dark side and leave all that horrid work to the last moment.

This theme of procrastination has been picked up on by Ellen, who's video you can see below makes me feel both happy and sad. It's funny, but it's also so true....so so true.

Thanks to Dan for alerting me to it and to Ellen for making it:

NOTE - Blogger sucks, it's cut off the right side of the video screen. To see the video in all it's glory, click on it.

EDIT - Thanks Vole. Video should now be up to enjoy in all it's splendour.

Thursday, 10 June 2010

FIFA World Cup 2010

In case you hadn't noticed, the football World Cup starts tomorrow. Over the next few weeks there will be zillions of words typed regarding it, and sadly millions of trees will be cut down in order to provide the space for all those words. The internet will also be going mad, with lengthy articles being churned out by journalists, bloggers, website owners, reporters....

To quote Eddie Izzard in that Labour PPB though - I'm not going to do that. I'm just going to give you my predictions, and we can all sit back and see what happens. If you wish to predict along with me, drop me a comment!

Winner - Spain
Runner Up - Brazil
Third - England
Fourth - Germany
Top Goalscorer - David Villa
Highest Scoring Country - Spain
Lowest Scoring Countries - New Zealand and North Korea

Group A Qualifiers - France, Uruguay
Group B Qualifiers - Argentina, South Korea
Group C Qualifiers - England, USA
Group D Qualifiers - Germany, Australia
Group E Qualifiers - Netherlands, Denmark
Group F Qualifiers - Italy, Paraguay
Group G Qualifiers - Brazil, Portugal
Group H Qualifiers - Spain, Chile

Ewar's Value Bet (from William Hill) - France, Argentina, USA, Germany, Netherlands, Italy, Brazil, Chile ALL to qualify. £10 returns £68.


Good luck to all countries not named North Korea!

Sunday, 6 June 2010

The Man, The Myth, The Legend

Long-term readers will know how much I enjoy the letters written in to The Sloppy Star by Oswestry's finest, Mr Alwyn Cox. Before we marvel at his latest effort, let's take a moment to enjoy his previous musings:





But this.....this, my friends, outstrips all of those. After initially being slightly annoyed by Alwyn, I now love him, as I recognise him for what he is - a first class wind-up merchant. Here's his latest effort - and I for one love it:

I have just been watching a bit of Genius of Britain on Channel Four.

I was going to watch that series actually, but I chose not to in the end. Instead I discussed with Dan on MSN who the fittest S Club 7 member was. I think we all know it was Bradley.

And then that "I am a genius in a wheelchair" Steven (sic) Hawking came on and it was time to turn off.

This is bad of me, as a university student, but I'm just going to consult the online encyclopaedia wikipedia for a brief Stephen Hawking biography. Here are the main aspects to his life:

  • Honorary Fellow of the Royal Society of Arts
  • Lifetime member of the Pontifical Academy of Sciences
  • Awarded CBE
  • Awarded Presidential Medal of Freedom
  • Professor of Mathematics at Cambridge University
  • Distinguished Research Chair at the Perimeter Institute for Theoretical Physics
  • Best-selling author (book was on the Best Sellers List for 237 weeks)
  • Eddington Medal winner
  • Hughes Medal winner
  • Albert Einstein Medal winner
  • Franklin Medal winner
  • Gold Medal of the Royal Astronomical Society winner
  • Awarded Wolf Prize in Physics
  • Awarded Companion of Honour
  • Awarded Julius Edgar Lilienfeld Prize
  • Earned a Ph.D.
  • Professional Fellow at Gonville and Caius College, Cambridge
  • Awarded Copley Medal of the Royal Society
  • Prince of Asturias Award winner
Throughout his career he has studied, amongst other things:

  • Quantum cosmology
  • Cosmic inflation
  • The density matrix of the universe
  • Topology and structure of the universe
  • Quantum entanglement
  • String theory
  • Supergravity
  • Euclidean quantum gravity
  • Gravitational radiation
  • Wormholes
  • Theoretical cosmology
With all this very firmly in mind, let's carry on with Alwyn's letter...

He was the "genius" of science who said one day time travel may be possible. That sentence alone was enough to show what an idiot the man is.

This is bad of me, as a university student, but I'm just going to consult the encyclopaedia of Alwyn Cox, Alwynpedia, for a brief Stephen Hawking biography. Here's what it says:

  • Idiot in a wheelchair

If time travel is or was ever to be possible where are the time travellers. It makes no difference in time when time travel is invented, if it was ever to be possible the time travellers would have been around since the beginning of time, we would not be studying fossils of dinosaurs, we would be looking at films of them, or walking around in the past with them.

Look, I've got no bloody clue about any of this stuff, but I can't help thinking that Hawking would have perhaps pondered this dilemma at some point before. Perhaps you should ask him this stuff, not me. Would take a few minutes for him to reply, mind.

So Alwyn has just thrown Hawking under the bus (not literally, that would be hideous to watch). Who else can he shit on in this letter? Are you excited? I am!

So in my opinion he is just as daft as Einstein, because he talked a lot of rubbish also.

BOOM! HEADSHOT!

First Hawking, now Einstein. Alwyn is ballin' right now!

His biggest load of rubbish was his theory of relativity.

Rubbish. Crap. Bollocks. Fucking shit Albert!

And what was that about bees?

Apocryphal, that's what it was: http://www.snopes.com/quotes/einstein/bees.asp

They are dying out all over the world, but is not the human race?

Sentence. No. Sense. Makes.

Do not forget the world is an orb, not flat like a dinner plate.

No idea, but then neither do you, so hey-ho.

End of letter! End of letter! End of the letter!


Outstanding. In recognition of Alwyn's wind-up nature, I've decided to add him to my list of deserving people who will receive an award on my birthday. The list now stands at:

  1. Jeremy Clarkson (services to common sense)
  2. Kriss Akabusi (services to the word "Awooga")
  3. Jeremy Spake (services to air travel)
  4. Maureen Rees (services to the car industry)
  5. Alwyn Cox from Oswestry (services to WUMmery)
Keep on writing in Alwyn. We all need a laugh under this government.

Sunday, 30 May 2010

The Unofficial World Cup Sweepstake 2010

Once university slacks off for the summer, my friend Dan and I search for a "project" to undertake to a) last us through the barren months and b) give us an excuse not to get a job. Sometimes these silly little projects worked - asking a load of celebrities on Twitter whether they preferred Bovril or Marmite is a memorable high. Sometimes however they didn't work - Wilmington's Cow and Tarquin de Quincey spring to mind (yes, Vole, that was us - so sorry. It seemed funny at the time.)

A few days ago we (well, me, let's be honest) came up with another little project, and the good one about this effort is that it'll last for a wee while.

The Concept

Simple enough really - a World Cup sweepstake. 32 places for 32 teams (I did consider it making it 33 in a terrible Ireland based joke but decided against it) No cost to take part, and a prize for the winner (more on that later)

The Draw

The draw will be taking place tomorrow - Monday 31st May 2010. Sometime between 12:00-15:00 I fancy, if Dan has woken up by then.

The draw will be conducted by myself, however I appreciate that in these things honesty is very important. Therefore, I am pleased to reveal there will be an independent adjudicator present, and I am absolutely DELIGHTED to say we approached the legendary Jim Rosenthal to fulfil this role.

He said no, however, so we've brought in his twin brother instead. Please give a warm welcome to Jim Hosenthal!


Naturally, some people are going to be pleased with the draw, others won't. I'm afraid someone will get North Korea, and we all have a 1/32 chance of that unfortunate event happening to us.

Well, not me, as I've rigged it so I get Brazil, to be fair.

The 32 Competitors

UNI PEOPLE
-Ewar
-Dan
-Cash
-Shaun
-Chinny
-Rob
-Arun
-Bob
-Ben
-Vole

FRIENDS
-Rich B
-Alex
-G
-Timmy
-Ivan

TWITTER FOLK
-Vicky1978
-engageyourbrain
-ManUtd24
-NickOGS20
-benjaminjudge
-Sidekick28

F365 TWITTER FOLK
-BigWelsh
-sodpenguin
-rm4rml
-daddytee2k
-PBC13
-pholk
-KnowTheLedge
-danroye

SPECIAL GUESTS
-Mark Bright
-Helen Chamberlain
-Nick Dixon

Yes, you read correctly - thanks to the sterling work of the lovely Vicky, we're very pleased to announce that we have 3 very special guests taking part.

Mark Bright is a former Premier League footballer who was one half of the famous Palace strike force of Wright and Bright. According to wikipedia, the bastion of truth, Mark scored 167 league goals in English football. You can now catch Mark on Football Focus and as a co-commentator on BBC football.

Helen Chamberlain has been presenting Soccer AM on Sky since...well...as far back as I can remember, and I can remember Gary "Stumpy" Stevens on the show. Wiki tells me this:

She also modelled in underwear for Euro 2004 in Trafalgar Square, and during the photoshoot caused the driver of a double decker bus to run into the back of another bus because he was staring at her.

I can't verify whether that is true or not, but I certainly hope so. What I can verify however is that she's a genuinely nice person, having had the pleasure of meeting her once.

Nick Dixon is a reporter on GMTV.


The Prize(s)

The lucky person who has the winning team in the sweepstake will receive a gift box, which will comprise of a box, funnily enough, filled with gifts, funnily enough. Please note however that the "gifts" will be random items that Dan and I don't really want anymore, so don't get your hopes up - hey, you're not paying anything to enter this, shut up.

Dan and I have been talking however, and we've come to the conclusion that if one of our three special guests (Mark, Helen, Nick) win, a gift box full of random crap won't really cut it. Besides, it would be a bit weird to ask any of them to supply an address to us - two random losers.

So we've come to the conclusion that in the case of a special guest winning, we'll make a donation to the charity of the winners choice, and the gift box will go to the runner up instead.

Is that it? Can we go now?

I think so. Immediately after the draw tomorrow we'll be tweeting/emailing/Facebooking/texting you with your country. Obviously we'll be keeping a record of it ourselves, but please do make a note yourselves so you can cheer on your team once the extravaganza of football starts. Excited?

MANY THANKS AND GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE TAKING PART!



UPDATE! UPDATE! UPDATE!

We have now completed the draw, and as a few people have asked for the complete list of "who got who", here it is in the order it was drawn:

1) Ben - New Zealand
2) Dan - Japan
3) PBC13 - Algeria
4) benjaminjudge - Serbia
5) Rob - Chile
6) rm4rml - Brazil
7) Vole - Spain
8) Helen C - Slovakia
9) Vicky1978 - Argentina
10) Sidekick28 - Switzerland
11) sodpenguin - North Korea
12) Shaun - South Africa
13) Alex - Slovenia
14) daddytee2k - Honduras
15) danroye - Portugal
16) NickOGS20 - Nigeria
17) G - Ghana
18) Mark Bright - Australia
19) ManUtd24 - USA
20) Bob - Denmark
21) Ewar - Germany
22) Cash - Mexico
23) Rich B - Uruguay
24) Pholk - France
25) Timmy - Ivory Coast
26) Arun - South Korea
27) Know_The_Ledge - Paraguay
28) Ivan - Greece
29) engageyourbrain - Netherlands
30) Chinny - England
31) BigWelsh - Cameroon
32) Nick Dixon - Italy

Once again, good luck to all!