It's The Sloppy Star. It's Val Duncan from Telford. You know the drill.
A nationwide vote will be held if there is another European treaty, ministers have vowed.
Interesting. Well, thanks for that Val. Have a lovely Christmas, won't you?
Do they think we fell off a Christmas tree?
I very much doubt it, Val. Mainly because I can't think of one single occasion - real or fictional - where someone has fallen off a Christmas tree. Generally, it doesn't really tend to happen. Don't get me wrong- judging by the shit you write into the letters pages with every so often, there's a good chance you have suffered some kind of injury to the brain. Nevertheless, did it occur after falling off a Christmas tree? Not likely, know what I'm saying?
That would make a good episode of Corrie, though. Fuck tram crashes.
Do they think we don't know the Lisbon Treaty is self-amending?
Yes, did you not hear about this? An interesting new concept, where a written treaty amends itself. Yeah, it's clever like that. Think they borrowed the idea from Harry Potter, and then a team of nerds spent a year devising it. Pretty much like how my laptop automatically updates itself.
Are we not aware that the EU will take bits of power time after time until they get all they want?
Val's next paragraph may just be one of my favourite things ever written. Honestly. It is magnificent.
Then they can split our country into regions with a number already registered. England will probably become part of France under French rule.
Wow - and I mean that.
I've just sat here for 5 minutes pondering how to tackle this. I'm still not too sure, however what I will do is make an open appeal to the person who edits The Slop's letters page, right now:
Sir,
I honestly think Val Duncan is mentally ill. For proof, please see the paragraph above. May I request that you seriously re-consider publishing her letters in the future? It is only embarrassing her family.
Kind regards,
Ewar
For pity's sake stop thinking you are all so clever and everyone believes you...because they don't.
End of letter. Another classic, Val.
HOWEVER.
I have a problem here, Val. Because in a previous letter you wrote into The Slop, you said, AND I QUOTE, this:
"By this time next year there will probably not be a Westminster Parliament or any need for one."
How do I know you said this Val? Because I wrote a blog post, just like this one, about your letter from which that paragraph came from. Said blog post can be found here:
http://theriseandriseoftimlovejoy.blogspot.com/2009/08/sorry-mr-anonymous.html
When did I write that blog entry? Why, it appears to be Sunday, 23rd August 2009. Which, by my basic maths, means your statement of:
"By this time next year there will probably not be a Westminster Parliament or any need for one."
is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Which is why, Val, as soon as I finish this blog entry, I will be e-mailing in a letter of my own to The Shropshire Star. Will they print it? I don't know. Probably not. But just in case they don't, here's the gist of my letter:
Now that I've proved that you are WRONG, I want a public apology, particularly for anyone who was naive enough to be misled by your outlandish statement. Also, now that everyone can see you are WRONG, I ask that you stop embarrassing yourself. Stop writing in with these ridiculous letters which the majority of people point at and laugh, and do something else instead. That is all.
Hear that sound, Val? That's the sound of a gauntlet being thrown down, love.
Wednesday, 8 December 2010
Saturday, 4 December 2010
Bad News Bears
Oh dear. I know I shouldn't, I really do. But I have. It's an inexcusable crime for someone as world-weary and cynical as me, but as I'm tired I've left my guard slip a little, and they've got to me.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1335406/The-Saturdays-make-glum-departure-Heathrow.html
Yes, The Daily Mail has annoyed me. I know, I know. Oh Lord, I KNOW! I also know that ranting about that organ on the internet is not very original and you've seen it all before. But, fuck it. Let's analyse this shit!
A little sour. You read that girls? You bunch of utter bitches. Sour. I don't know about you, but when I clicked on that link, and saw Rochelle, the glass of milk beside me literally curdled.
Eagle-eyed readers will have noticed the conclusion of that sentence there. "The freezing pre-dawn chill." Now, I'm not being funny, but this all happened this morning (Friday 3rd December 2010). This morning, I wasn't too chuffed at getting up at 7:30am to take my brother to school. In the car at 8am it said that the temperature outside was -5c, so you can imagine what the temperature was like a few hours earlier. At an airport, places I've always found to be notoriously cold. The girls look a little glum? It's not really ridiculously shocking that, is it?
I wouldn't say that was "complaining" as such. What I would say to Rochelle is to try and get some sleep. Four hours sounds nothing but sleep works in patterns of four hour cycles, so having a little kip is a bajillion times more beneficial for you than not sleeping. Oh, wait, this is in the past. Still, remember that for next time kids! And you Rochelle! Now, onto the boring fashion stuff.
The 21-year-old was well prepared for the cold weather in a striped knitted jumper, leather and shearling vest, and carrying an extra overcoat on her arm. She managed to dress for both warmth and style though, adding high heel boots and a leopard print scarf to the ensemble.
Rising before dawn to deal with queues, security checks and custom officers at the airport is not many people's cup of tea.
It isn't, no. Correct. Well done. So therefore you've just undermined your whole article. The Saturdays are humans, just like the rest of us. I think you've just realised yourself how cretinous it is to blame a group of people for looking ever so slightly glum about a flight at 5am when it's about fucking -10c outside.
But it is hard to feel sorry for the celebrities, who would have skipped the uncomfortable waiting areas and lengthy lines.
Sorry, I forgot. They control the weather. They control the clock. How could I be so fucking stupid? I'll talk about The Sats a bit more in a minute, because I notice you've plumped for the old "they earn shitloads don't feel sorry for them" line. Oh, don't worry. I'll get to that.
Young woman in shopping shocker! And whilst I'm here, I find this new trick from journalists - throwing in tweets from the celeb in question or "ordinary folk" about the celebrity - is just really, really shit. I understand they have word limits to hit and it's a fantastic filler, but in respect to proper journalism it's proper shit. Yes, I know, I know, it's a stupid piece for a stupid paper, but could they not at least pretend to be at least trying?
Yes, you see, what is this? This is nothing. If I wrote this in an essay, I'd be fucking crucified. Voley would probably quite literally castrate me.
Of course they were.
Their trip North will be fleeting, as they are due back in London in time for the London Jingle Bell Ball, thrown by Capital FM, on Sunday night.
And this is where I want to talk a little bit about The Saturdays. You see there was a show on ITV2 a month or two back entitled 'The Saturdays 24:7". It did what it says on the tin - it followed the band members around all day every day for about a month or so and filmed the "interesting" bits. It wasn't very good, but the one thing that struck me was just how hard those girls work. Early morning wake up calls are the norm, as are hotel rooms. They spend so much time travelling - performing at a concert before driving a few hours to the next one is common. When they have a single/album out, it's non-stop promotion. A meet and greet with fans, then off to a shopping centre to sign about 500 CDs, then off to a nightclub to perform their new single. Next day, about 10 radio interviews - where you answer the same questions over and over and over - and then some more performances. During the week, TV - where you answer the same questions over and over and over- and other media obligations. Not feeling well? Tough shit. Get out there and dance your heart out - record company want this single to be in the Top 5 in the charts this week, otherwise you're done. And so on and so forth.
Don't get me wrong. They are/will be very rich girls, their "job" is something which billions of girls dream about doing and they seem to be having the time of their lives. Deep down they probably know it won't last much longer, so they're enjoying it whilst they can. Let it be made loud and clear that my heart hardly bleeds for them, and I certainly don't feel "sorry" for them, but it annoys me when the tabloids go down this road.
For me, there's a bigger issue here. When my Dad was young (a long time ago, admittedly) newspapers were vitally important as they were the main source of news. There were good papers and shit papers back then as well, but they gave you the news nevertheless. Nowadays, they don't. Where do you get your news from? Your computer. Your iPhone app. Ceefax. 24 hour rolling news channels. Pretty much from anywhere except from newspapers published the next day. So the newspapers had to adapt, in order to survive. Nowadays in your newspaper it largely isn't news. It's political bias, it's opinion, it's scandal, it's speculation and rumour, and it's largely crap like "Some girls aren't jumping for joy at getting on a plane at 5am when it's about -10c, but we paid people to take their photos at their time so here's a fucking stupid article to make them pretend that their jobs are worthwhile."
The sad fact though is that people seem to lap this shit up. We've become Americanised in regards to "celebrity". We've become a nation where the paps have to take a photograph of an actress as she does her weekly shop, or a footballer fills up his car at the petrol station. A nation where celebrities have to play the media game. To become friendly with slimes like Piers Moron and Richard Desmond, so that they'll get positive press and their wrongdoings won't be published before they can take out a super-injunction. A nation where one man influences so many others in regards to who they should vote for, and the really hilarious thing is that he's Australian.
Do you have a story about a celebrity? Call the Daily Mail showbusiness desk on 0207 938 6364 or 0207 938 6683.
I've been trying to think of a way to wrap up this blog entry, but I've realised that Neil Hannon says it better than I ever could. We've entered Generation Sex, and we can never get out:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1335406/The-Saturdays-make-glum-departure-Heathrow.html
Yes, The Daily Mail has annoyed me. I know, I know. Oh Lord, I KNOW! I also know that ranting about that organ on the internet is not very original and you've seen it all before. But, fuck it. Let's analyse this shit!
The short days and bitter cold weather has had a lot of people down in the dumps.
So it is not surprising that girl band The Saturdays looked a little sour this morning as they arrived at Heathrow this morning in the early hours.
A little sour. You read that girls? You bunch of utter bitches. Sour. I don't know about you, but when I clicked on that link, and saw Rochelle, the glass of milk beside me literally curdled.
The singers were far from their usual bubbly selves as they made their way through the airport to catch their morning flight to Glasgow.
All five of them appeared decidedly glum as they arrived at the terminal wrapped up warm against the freezing pre-dawn chill.
Eagle-eyed readers will have noticed the conclusion of that sentence there. "The freezing pre-dawn chill." Now, I'm not being funny, but this all happened this morning (Friday 3rd December 2010). This morning, I wasn't too chuffed at getting up at 7:30am to take my brother to school. In the car at 8am it said that the temperature outside was -5c, so you can imagine what the temperature was like a few hours earlier. At an airport, places I've always found to be notoriously cold. The girls look a little glum? It's not really ridiculously shocking that, is it?
Rochelle Wiseman complained about her early morning wake-up call to followers on Twitter the night before.
'My alarm is set for 4.15am *unimpressed face* do I go to sleep or stay up?!' she wrote.
I wouldn't say that was "complaining" as such. What I would say to Rochelle is to try and get some sleep. Four hours sounds nothing but sleep works in patterns of four hour cycles, so having a little kip is a bajillion times more beneficial for you than not sleeping. Oh, wait, this is in the past. Still, remember that for next time kids! And you Rochelle! Now, onto the boring fashion stuff.
The 21-year-old was well prepared for the cold weather in a striped knitted jumper, leather and shearling vest, and carrying an extra overcoat on her arm. She managed to dress for both warmth and style though, adding high heel boots and a leopard print scarf to the ensemble.
Mollie King, 23, wore a knee-length military coat over stockings and a Russian-style fur hat for the flight. She added extra warm shearling-lined gloves and a pair of on-trend heeled Nitkowski boots from Aldo. Una Healy hid her tired eyes behind large sunglasses, and also managed to combine comfort and fashion with a pair of bedazzled Ugg boots. The 29-year-old redhead wore a butterfly-print T-shirt over leggings and a leather jacket. Baby of the group Vanessa White looked to be the most put-out by the early start. The singer, who recently turned 21, looked miserable as she arrived for the flight north. Wearing a belted tan coat with black trousers, platforms and a knit scarf, Vanessa hauled a large polka dot overnight bag.
Rising before dawn to deal with queues, security checks and custom officers at the airport is not many people's cup of tea.
It isn't, no. Correct. Well done. So therefore you've just undermined your whole article. The Saturdays are humans, just like the rest of us. I think you've just realised yourself how cretinous it is to blame a group of people for looking ever so slightly glum about a flight at 5am when it's about fucking -10c outside.
But it is hard to feel sorry for the celebrities, who would have skipped the uncomfortable waiting areas and lengthy lines.
Sorry, I forgot. They control the weather. They control the clock. How could I be so fucking stupid? I'll talk about The Sats a bit more in a minute, because I notice you've plumped for the old "they earn shitloads don't feel sorry for them" line. Oh, don't worry. I'll get to that.
In fact, Rochelle soon seemed to cheer up once she had checked in, and found time for a bit of shopping with band mate Vanessa.
The singer tweeted: 'Airport shopping is DANGEROUS!!!!!'
'Thanks to everyone at REISS for looking after @vanessawhite and I this morning xx'
Mollie King appeared to be on hand for some retail advise, adding: 'I've been with two deliberating Sats this morning and they both went for it in the end woohooooo!'
Young woman in shopping shocker! And whilst I'm here, I find this new trick from journalists - throwing in tweets from the celeb in question or "ordinary folk" about the celebrity - is just really, really shit. I understand they have word limits to hit and it's a fantastic filler, but in respect to proper journalism it's proper shit. Yes, I know, I know, it's a stupid piece for a stupid paper, but could they not at least pretend to be at least trying?
The girls were back on the social networking site upon landing in Scotland, with Rochelle writing on her page: 'I thought I saw snow...and then I landed in Glasgow.. Lordy.' Frankie Sandford added: 'Landed in the north pole! Brrrrr.'
Yes, you see, what is this? This is nothing. If I wrote this in an essay, I'd be fucking crucified. Voley would probably quite literally castrate me.
Despite the girls thinking they had arrived in colder temperatures, Glasgow actually had a warmer forecast today than London.
The Scottish city was expecting temperatures of 1c, while London got down to -4c.
The girls were far more upbeat when the performed onstage at the Key103 Jingle Bell Ball in Manchester on Wednesday night in little sequined dresses.
Of course they were.
Their trip North will be fleeting, as they are due back in London in time for the London Jingle Bell Ball, thrown by Capital FM, on Sunday night.
And this is where I want to talk a little bit about The Saturdays. You see there was a show on ITV2 a month or two back entitled 'The Saturdays 24:7". It did what it says on the tin - it followed the band members around all day every day for about a month or so and filmed the "interesting" bits. It wasn't very good, but the one thing that struck me was just how hard those girls work. Early morning wake up calls are the norm, as are hotel rooms. They spend so much time travelling - performing at a concert before driving a few hours to the next one is common. When they have a single/album out, it's non-stop promotion. A meet and greet with fans, then off to a shopping centre to sign about 500 CDs, then off to a nightclub to perform their new single. Next day, about 10 radio interviews - where you answer the same questions over and over and over - and then some more performances. During the week, TV - where you answer the same questions over and over and over- and other media obligations. Not feeling well? Tough shit. Get out there and dance your heart out - record company want this single to be in the Top 5 in the charts this week, otherwise you're done. And so on and so forth.
Don't get me wrong. They are/will be very rich girls, their "job" is something which billions of girls dream about doing and they seem to be having the time of their lives. Deep down they probably know it won't last much longer, so they're enjoying it whilst they can. Let it be made loud and clear that my heart hardly bleeds for them, and I certainly don't feel "sorry" for them, but it annoys me when the tabloids go down this road.
For me, there's a bigger issue here. When my Dad was young (a long time ago, admittedly) newspapers were vitally important as they were the main source of news. There were good papers and shit papers back then as well, but they gave you the news nevertheless. Nowadays, they don't. Where do you get your news from? Your computer. Your iPhone app. Ceefax. 24 hour rolling news channels. Pretty much from anywhere except from newspapers published the next day. So the newspapers had to adapt, in order to survive. Nowadays in your newspaper it largely isn't news. It's political bias, it's opinion, it's scandal, it's speculation and rumour, and it's largely crap like "Some girls aren't jumping for joy at getting on a plane at 5am when it's about -10c, but we paid people to take their photos at their time so here's a fucking stupid article to make them pretend that their jobs are worthwhile."
The sad fact though is that people seem to lap this shit up. We've become Americanised in regards to "celebrity". We've become a nation where the paps have to take a photograph of an actress as she does her weekly shop, or a footballer fills up his car at the petrol station. A nation where celebrities have to play the media game. To become friendly with slimes like Piers Moron and Richard Desmond, so that they'll get positive press and their wrongdoings won't be published before they can take out a super-injunction. A nation where one man influences so many others in regards to who they should vote for, and the really hilarious thing is that he's Australian.
Do you have a story about a celebrity? Call the Daily Mail showbusiness desk on 0207 938 6364 or 0207 938 6683.
I've been trying to think of a way to wrap up this blog entry, but I've realised that Neil Hannon says it better than I ever could. We've entered Generation Sex, and we can never get out:
"Lovers watch their backs
As hacks
In macs
Take snaps
Through telephoto lenses
Chase Mercedes
Benzes through the
night
A mourning nation weeps
And wails
But keeps
The sales
Of evil tabloids healthy
The poor protect
the wealthy in
this world
Generation sex
Injects
The sperm
Of worms
Into the eggs of field mice
So you can look
real nice for the
boys
And generation sex
Is me
And you
And we
Should really all
know better"
Wednesday, 24 November 2010
Three Cheers for Pixar
Hallo again all.
To be perfectly honest, I was going to blog about that arse Gillian McKeith today, but just as I was loading up Blogger something on Twitter caught my eye.
I'm not gay, unsurprisingly for someone who thinks about women 99% of the day, but I think we're all aware - whatever sexuality we are - that "coming out" must be an unbelievably hard thing to do, and an incredibly brave thing to do as well. Sadly there's still a culture of homophobia and un-acceptance that surrounds homosexual people. Just look at professional football in this country, where (to my knowledge) there is precisely zero openly gay footballers playing at the moment. The only one I can think of from the past, Justin Fashanu, hanged himself after being wrongly accused of sexual assault and disowned by his brother for the crime of being homosexual.
The good people at Pixar have made a short video, in an attempt to change attitudes around the world. It's not much, but at just 8 minutes long it's worth a watch:
To be perfectly honest, I was going to blog about that arse Gillian McKeith today, but just as I was loading up Blogger something on Twitter caught my eye.
I'm not gay, unsurprisingly for someone who thinks about women 99% of the day, but I think we're all aware - whatever sexuality we are - that "coming out" must be an unbelievably hard thing to do, and an incredibly brave thing to do as well. Sadly there's still a culture of homophobia and un-acceptance that surrounds homosexual people. Just look at professional football in this country, where (to my knowledge) there is precisely zero openly gay footballers playing at the moment. The only one I can think of from the past, Justin Fashanu, hanged himself after being wrongly accused of sexual assault and disowned by his brother for the crime of being homosexual.
The good people at Pixar have made a short video, in an attempt to change attitudes around the world. It's not much, but at just 8 minutes long it's worth a watch:
Friday, 19 November 2010
Children in Need 2010 Live-Blog Spectacular!
15:38 Hello, good evening, and welcome. Well, won't this be exciting?
15:40 It is of course Children in Need night, so whilst I'm here, and we're at the top of the page, here's the boring stuff:
Donate here - http://www.bbc.co.uk/pudsey/donate/
Follow Pudsey on Facebook here - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Pudsey-Bear/14043714875
Follow Pudsey on Twitter here - http://twitter.com/pudseybear
Online Pudsey ears or something I don't know here - http://www.pudseyears.co.uk/
Children in Need in your area here - http://www.bbc.co.uk/pudsey/news/map.shtml
That will do for now, eh?
15:46 Don't live in the UK? Incredibly young? An illegal immigrant? Don't own a TV? WELL you may not know who Pudsey is. But let me help you out! It's this twat:
And still nobody knows what happened to his eye. My money is on excessive masturbation over Gaby Roslin.
15:51 That's why I wear glasses, anyway.
15:53 But Ewar! Children in Need 2010 doesn't start till 7pm/19.00! Why are you starting this blog entry now?! Well, my irritating little friend, it's because at the start time it's incredibly likely that I'll be having my dinner, and it's stew and dumplings tonight - I'll not be missing that for Pudsey or any other fucking bear.
16:00 My brother has just come home from school and told me that Pudsey has a girlfriend called 'Lush'. Is this true?! WHAT IS THIS I DONT EVEN.
16:31 I've been trying to find out who/what is happening tonight, but everything is very vague. From the adverts, I'm presuming there will be JLS, The Saturdays, and anyone else who has a record to plug desperately. There will undoubtedly be a Strictly Come Dancing segment, and I believe some of the Dragons Den lot are doing a Come Dine with Me special.
Yes, I know. Look, I didn't tell you it was going to be good.
18:10 I have kicked my brother off the computer, so that's the reason for the pause in the live-blog. Truth be told however, there's not a great deal I can say right now, is there? We are 50 minutes away from kick-off. Dinner is about 20 minutes away, I believe. I'm STARVING.
18:52 Dinner over, and only 10 minutes to go until the big kick-off. Nothing more to report, except that tonight hopefully my good friend Dan will be chipping in with a few comments here and there. If he does, you'll know it's him as the comment will end with a (D).
18:59 Oh my god oh my god oh my god!
19:00 Sir Terry's "hair" looks interesting tonight. He's also just introduced Cheryl Cole as "the nation's sweetheart".
a) Excluded twice from school
b) Guilty of assault
c) Not called Kate Middleton
19:03 They're all crawling out of the woodwork now! Please welcome another good friend, Cash, who will also be joining in with this madness tonight. He'll end his comments with (C), won't you Cashie?
19:09 Thank you for the introduction Ewar! Watch out Andre! Big Heather will eat ya! (C)
19:11 With 3 of us all typing at once, comments may be deleted. You've just missed one where I was congratulating Tess Daly on her big boobs.
19:13 Re: Tess Daly, I'm now single! Tell Peter Kay to do one! (C)
19:16 I knew it wouldn't have been Manford. The dirty get. (C)
19:20 It's been a decent start. Only one mimed performance, and no eggy moments as of yet. Rest assured, this will change. So far we've had Chris Evans cleaning windows, and now we have Lewis Hamilton, Jenson Button and some kids driving go-karts.
19:23 What Wogan? Did you say more Helen Skelton? Yes please! Oh wait, you've just showed Miley Cyrus, I feel deflated. (C)
19:24 It's my boy Reggie Yates! Ah, but now it's Westlife. I'll go and get a glass of water. PS I think Dan is cooking his tea.
19:29 It's Colin Farrell with an earring in both ears! Reminds me to "purchase" London Boulevard, which looks a bit "oi oi, propa nawty". Nice to see Ray Winstone branching out into wider roles as well. In this one, he plays a Cockney gangster!
19:34 We've had our first nightmare of the evening, and no surprise it's come from Tezza! Having got rattled over mixing up website/Westlife, he then chucked a load of money on the floor out of the collection bucket. Time to retire Sir Tezza!
19:36 Tess Daly telling Tezza to frisk the audience for change? Well she can frisk me for change any time she wants! But Christ, Victor Meldrew's hair has grew! (C)
19:38 We've switched over to the regional output now for a few minutes. Where I am we have Joanne Malin at an ice-rink in Coventry. I can imagine it's the same kind of stuff elsewhere. That is all for now.
19:41 We're getting lots of visitors - thanks for reading! Particular you, all the way in Panama. PANAMA! Wowzers. Hope you're enjoying our nonsense.
19:48 That was an excellent moment! JLS (screams like a girl) walked out with a big cheque courtesy of Radio 2 listeners. The conversation went like this:
Tess: "Marvin, tell us how Radio 2 listeners raised that fantastic amount!"
Marvin JLS: "Erm...yeah, it's Terry's station and..erm...yeah, they did stuff. Great total!"
19:51 Was that Tubby Alan Turner? Legend! (C)
19:54 So I take it that Kylie is helping Top Gear audition for the next Stig? (C)
20:00 As much as I like Karen Gillan, I don't like Dr. Who. I'm going to scour the cupboards for snacks. (C)
20:08 It's Strictly Come Dancing popstars special, and we have a Saturday vs a McFly. I'm trying to get excited by this but I'm completely failing. Is it wrong of me to watch the darts instead for a bit?
20:29 We're back and it's the Hairy Bikers! I LOVE these guys! They seem to be singing along to Meatloaf in a greasy spoon cafe. Of course.
20:36 I'm still watching Children in Need, although Chinese Takeout will be arriving soon. But my God, its a load of rubbish so far. (C)
20:37 Chinese Takeout - what a band they are.
20:43 You're not missing anything, just a video of The Saturdays performing their latest. For me, it's all about Mollie (I like Rochelle as well) but Dan's favourite is Una. I don't know if Cash has a favourite Saturday. I imagine right now he's more interested in scoffing a chow mein.
20:50 Interesting.
20:56 A grown woman in the audience is crying over JLS. Unbelievable, really.
21:09 Ongoing currently is a hilarious mash-up of Eastenders and Coronation Street. As I don't watch either, the genius and hilarity of the situation is lost on me, to be honest. Meanwhile, Dan is watching ITV instead. The traitor.
20:56 A grown woman in the audience is crying over JLS. Unbelievable, really.
21:09 Ongoing currently is a hilarious mash-up of Eastenders and Coronation Street. As I don't watch either, the genius and hilarity of the situation is lost on me, to be honest. Meanwhile, Dan is watching ITV instead. The traitor.
21:20 That chow mien was lovely Ewar. I'm impartial to the Saturdays, but Una is a bit of a treat. The East Street mash-up was actually best thing so far. Now we have the fat Lorraine Kelly. That's great. (C)
21:26 Just want to state I don't like Cheryl Cole. Anyway these kids, don't worry kiddies, I had the same problem. No fecker wanted to sit next to me either. Where was my help? Where was my cooker? Where was my washing machine? That's right, still in bleeding Dixon's. I believe the men in white coats will be arriving shortly. (C)
21:32 Thankyou Cash, for doing an update at the exact same time as me two times in a row, thus deleting my musings. Blogger is shit like that. Anyway, yes, so what was I saying? Oh, I can't remember. Something about Susan Boyle being mentally ill. Anyway, here's BARROWMAN! (shakes fist)
21:37 John Barrowman's suit is really something else. White with coloured spots. It looks....well, interesting.
21:32 Thankyou Cash, for doing an update at the exact same time as me two times in a row, thus deleting my musings. Blogger is shit like that. Anyway, yes, so what was I saying? Oh, I can't remember. Something about Susan Boyle being mentally ill. Anyway, here's BARROWMAN! (shakes fist)
21:37 John Barrowman's suit is really something else. White with coloured spots. It looks....well, interesting.
21:40 This Alexandra Burke song is shite, but there aren't many things I wouldn't do to put my face between those legs (D)
21:41 To be honest Dan, I can't stand her. Needs a good hit with a shovel. However, I think she slipped out an "Awooga!" somewhere. (C)
21:43 I see Dan has announced himself with a bang there. Apparently (I wasn't listening) Barrowman just called Alexandra "Andrea". Easy mistake to make.
21:46 OH MY GOD IT'S EAST 17!!
(not really, it's Take That. I don't get it.)
21:43 I see Dan has announced himself with a bang there. Apparently (I wasn't listening) Barrowman just called Alexandra "Andrea". Easy mistake to make.
21:46 OH MY GOD IT'S EAST 17!!
(not really, it's Take That. I don't get it.)
21: 48 There's one person who is fucking peeved to the max that Take That have reformed proper. This bloke http://www.chriskingpromotions.com/Gary%20Barlow.html Check him out. (D)
22:00 It's 10pm, which signals a wee break as we have the national news and regional news. If you fancy, it's Celeb Mastermind on BBC 2. I'm off for a lie down and a chocolate bar.
22:38 And we're back! Sadly, Tess Daly and her lovely boobs have been replaced by that skinny, mouthy chav, Fearne Cotton.
22:47 Since the break we've had Tom Jones. And Tom Jones. And some more Tom Jones. There's not a lot to say, really.
22:55 Oooooooh it's newsreaders time! Fiona Bruce! Sophie Raworth! Susanna Reid! Oh yes. Oh yes indeed.
23:03 Well, that was enjoyable until Louie Spence turned up. But no time to rest on our laurels! Oh no sir! It's Dragons Den Come Dine with Me special! Complete with Dave Lamb voiceover!
23:07 No idea why this has been shunted off till 11pm - it's the best thing of the night, to be honest. In other news, I have no idea where Dan and Cash are. Probably given up. Don't blame them. This is good though.
23:10 Peter Jones is a legend, let's be honest. And this hasn't changed my opinion, in any way whatsoever, that Duncan Bannatyne is a massive twat.
23:19 Interview with two of the Dragons, and amusingly the winner, Theo Paphitis, appears to be completely and truly rat-arsed. Splendid.
22:00 It's 10pm, which signals a wee break as we have the national news and regional news. If you fancy, it's Celeb Mastermind on BBC 2. I'm off for a lie down and a chocolate bar.
22:38 And we're back! Sadly, Tess Daly and her lovely boobs have been replaced by that skinny, mouthy chav, Fearne Cotton.
22:47 Since the break we've had Tom Jones. And Tom Jones. And some more Tom Jones. There's not a lot to say, really.
22:55 Oooooooh it's newsreaders time! Fiona Bruce! Sophie Raworth! Susanna Reid! Oh yes. Oh yes indeed.
23:03 Well, that was enjoyable until Louie Spence turned up. But no time to rest on our laurels! Oh no sir! It's Dragons Den Come Dine with Me special! Complete with Dave Lamb voiceover!
23:07 No idea why this has been shunted off till 11pm - it's the best thing of the night, to be honest. In other news, I have no idea where Dan and Cash are. Probably given up. Don't blame them. This is good though.
23:10 Peter Jones is a legend, let's be honest. And this hasn't changed my opinion, in any way whatsoever, that Duncan Bannatyne is a massive twat.
23:19 Interview with two of the Dragons, and amusingly the winner, Theo Paphitis, appears to be completely and truly rat-arsed. Splendid.
23:26 Peter Andre performs blasphemous bordering on illegal version of Michael Jackson classic Man in the Mirror. I'm no MJ fan, but I mean come on...would you ask the Woolpackers to do a Wurzels number? (D)
23:34 Pixie Lott. Ah, Pixie. Sweet, lovely, Pixie. If you're reading this love, I'd be more than happy to give you the most uncomfortable 7 seconds of your life.
Oh okay, sorry. But it's after the watershed.
23:49 The Hairy Bikers have just arrived at a greasy spoon cafe, and are now singing along to Meatloaf. Yes, correct. We've been here before. The fact that they're repeating stuff suggests I won't be around for too much longer I'm afraid folks. But it's been fun, eh?
23:53 Oh good. The slags from 'Loose Women'. This will end well.
00:05 It is now past midnight, and considering they've begun to repeat stuff, and there seems to be an awful lot of West End musical shite coming up, that's quite enough for me. Many thanks to Dan and Cash for their assistance. Many thanks to you for reading.
There's still time to donate, of course - no matter when you're reading this - over at http://www.bbc.co.uk/pudsey/donate/
But, for now, it's thankyou, and goodnight.
23:34 Pixie Lott. Ah, Pixie. Sweet, lovely, Pixie. If you're reading this love, I'd be more than happy to give you the most uncomfortable 7 seconds of your life.
Oh okay, sorry. But it's after the watershed.
23:49 The Hairy Bikers have just arrived at a greasy spoon cafe, and are now singing along to Meatloaf. Yes, correct. We've been here before. The fact that they're repeating stuff suggests I won't be around for too much longer I'm afraid folks. But it's been fun, eh?
23:53 Oh good. The slags from 'Loose Women'. This will end well.
00:05 It is now past midnight, and considering they've begun to repeat stuff, and there seems to be an awful lot of West End musical shite coming up, that's quite enough for me. Many thanks to Dan and Cash for their assistance. Many thanks to you for reading.
There's still time to donate, of course - no matter when you're reading this - over at http://www.bbc.co.uk/pudsey/donate/
But, for now, it's thankyou, and goodnight.
Tuesday, 16 November 2010
The Sloppiest of Stars
It feels like ages since we've had a look at some of the finest letters in my local rag, The Sloppy Star. So, let us now rectify this unfortunate oversight with a generous helping of nonsense. There's THREE letters for you to enjoy!
I was shown the Koran the other day. Flicking through the pages one chapter and verse caught my eye.
This doesn't seem like a big thing, I grant you. But once we've read the rest of the letter, we'll come back to it. Promise.
Before I go on, America is typically represented by an eagle.
Odd. But please, go on.
The verse goes: "For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome eagle. The wrath of the eagle would be felt through the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the eagle cleansed the lands of Allah."
Slightly odd.
Now the spooky bit about this was the verse and chapter number - Koran (9 : 11).
Name and address supplied
Wowzers! If you're a bit confused, let's just clarify this: In the Koran, verse 9 chapter 11 (9/11, you see?) there's a bit about the Eagle (America) bashing up the Arabians a bit after they had awoken it (9/11 again, you see?) That is, actually, really quite fucking scary. I'm certainly very glad the anonymous man brought this to my attention!
EXCEPT...
Re-reading the letter, something caught my eye. Let's go back to that sentence I highlighted at the beginning:
I was shown the Koran the other day. Flicking through the pages one chapter and verse caught my eye.
This just struck me as odd. You see, he starts off by saying he was "shown" the Koran. This implies that someone else has shown him the text, and taken him to certain sections. However in the very next sentence he contradicts that, by claiming he was flicking through the text and completely at random settled on Verse 9:11, which just happens to be a conspiracy theorists dream.
That didn't ring true with me, so I thought I would just take a quick look at Verse 9:11 for myself. A quick Google search and...
http://www.snopes.com/politics/war/quran911.asp
"The chapter and verse citation...isn't a legitimate quotation from the Quran...no such passage appears in that book, at Chapter 9, Verse 11 or anywhere else."
Ewar Woowar - mythbuster. Stop wasting mine and everyone else's time, Mr Anonymous. You arse.
Is it any wonder people are obese.
Some people are obese. Others aren't.
They are bombarded with TV shows about food: Masterchef - The Professionals, Ramsay's Best Restaurant, Street Market Chefs, Nigella's Food Show, Jimmy's Food Factory, Nigel Slater's Simple Supper, Hairy Bikers' Cook Off etc.
How VERY dare you criticise Nigella! And the Hairy Bikers! Stop shitting all over my lusts/heroes pal!
Talk about subliminal messages for couch potato viewers.
Not really. I believe my blogging friend Cynical Ben is a food afficionado, and in the pictures I've seen of him he's certainly not obese. In case you've never seen him, here's a photo I may or may not have saved on my computer:
I recall a few years ago when cigarettes were bad news,
Cigarettes - no longer bad news, apparently.
the government said no cigarette smoking on TV, no cigarette adverts, etc. Need I say more.
Yes, you really should. Don't get me wrong, there's far too many cookery shows on television, but a human being is responsible for what he/she puts in their mouth (steady on now). My mother complains all the time about how much football there is on TV. Somehow I don't see a letter from you reading:
"Look at all this football on TV! What a disgrace! Encouraging young people to run around outside and get lots of exercise! Far worse than those sticks that greatly increase your chances of getting lung cancer!!"
Pete Veloso
Shrewsbury
Go outside, walk around your beautiful, beautiful town and enjoy life. Quit yo jibber jabber, fool!
Recently in the media there was a good deal of self-righteous indignation about Nick Clegg choosing as his luxury on Desert Island Discs "a stash of cigarettes".
Not from me, there wasn't. As I said a minute ago, an adult is free to put into his mouth whatever he wants. I hate smoking, and right now I have issues with Nick Clegg, but to me it's a non-story.
But as far as I know, not a dicky bird was said about his dreadful choice of records, which was no better than David Cameron's in 2006.
I did not hear the programme. Hit me with it.
Between them they picked such giants of modern music as Radiohead, David Bowie, Johnny Cash, Bob Dylan, The Smiths, REM, The Killers and Pink Floyd.
Radiohead - very good
David Bowie - genius
Johnny Cash - excellent bordering on genius
Bob Dylan - genius
The Smiths - very good
REM - very good
The Killers - shit
Pink Floyd - not my thing but they're very popular
That's a pretty decent selection. And considering that both Cameron and Clegg are in their early 40s, the time frame pretty much fits as well - they would have grown up listening to the likes of Bowie, Cash, Dylan, and then later on as they got a bit older moved onto The Smiths and Radiohead and so on.
Oh yes, and (in Cameron's case) Benny Hill!
Right.
Both these guys were born into privilege (particularly Cameron),
Correct.
both were expensively and privately educated,
Correct, but, surely you're not...you're not going to say what I think you're going to say, are you? Surely?
both went to one of our top two universities and both regularly rub shoulders with other highly educated people, from whom they surely learn much. Yet the music they chose to listen to repeatedly, perhaps for years marooned on a desert island, was no better than what would be selected by an average 15 year old boy or girl.
You have. Wow.
I honestly think this is a wind-up that not even Voley, our resident Communist, would attempt. What you're saying is that because someone called Percy Chummington-Bowdler had a posh upbringing, went to a good university, and met intelligent people, he must spend all day every day listening to Mahler's 5th Symphony: Tumbleweed on a G-String. That HOW DARE HE listen to "popular" music.
This is just a really sad letter. As someone who likes Dido, The Saturdays and B*Witched, I know more than anyone else that you shouldn't judge someone on their music tastes. Regarding David Cameron - I'll make my own mind up about him, thankyou very much. Whether he listens to Beethoven or Mozart, Steps or 5ive, it matters not a jot. Criticising his taste in "popular" music because he's a bit posh is the most awful, lazy, ridiculous stereotyping ever.
Even allowing for the fact that politicians suck up to the electorate, they ought to be ashamed of themselves.
YOU HEAR THAT CLEGG?! ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.
Seriously, someone show this blog entry to Nick Clegg. I mean it. Get Nick Clegg reading this right now. Wait, he's here? Right now? Good.
Hi Nick! Thanks for reading. NOW FUCK OFF YOU ABSOLUTE DISGRACE. Love, Ewar.
As I said earlier, I won't be joining the Nick Clegg Fanclub anytime soon, but to say he's "sucking up the electorate" (on this, anyway) is just awful shite. Yes, because someone really voted for the Liberal Democrats because Nick Clegg likes an REM song.
I've read some shit letters in my time, but this one has actually made me cross.
Sidney Evans
Chirk
Welsh. I should have guessed.
I was shown the Koran the other day. Flicking through the pages one chapter and verse caught my eye.
This doesn't seem like a big thing, I grant you. But once we've read the rest of the letter, we'll come back to it. Promise.
Before I go on, America is typically represented by an eagle.
Odd. But please, go on.
The verse goes: "For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome eagle. The wrath of the eagle would be felt through the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the eagle cleansed the lands of Allah."
Slightly odd.
Now the spooky bit about this was the verse and chapter number - Koran (9 : 11).
Name and address supplied
Wowzers! If you're a bit confused, let's just clarify this: In the Koran, verse 9 chapter 11 (9/11, you see?) there's a bit about the Eagle (America) bashing up the Arabians a bit after they had awoken it (9/11 again, you see?) That is, actually, really quite fucking scary. I'm certainly very glad the anonymous man brought this to my attention!
EXCEPT...
Re-reading the letter, something caught my eye. Let's go back to that sentence I highlighted at the beginning:
I was shown the Koran the other day. Flicking through the pages one chapter and verse caught my eye.
This just struck me as odd. You see, he starts off by saying he was "shown" the Koran. This implies that someone else has shown him the text, and taken him to certain sections. However in the very next sentence he contradicts that, by claiming he was flicking through the text and completely at random settled on Verse 9:11, which just happens to be a conspiracy theorists dream.
That didn't ring true with me, so I thought I would just take a quick look at Verse 9:11 for myself. A quick Google search and...
http://www.snopes.com/politics/war/quran911.asp
"The chapter and verse citation...isn't a legitimate quotation from the Quran...no such passage appears in that book, at Chapter 9, Verse 11 or anywhere else."
Ewar Woowar - mythbuster. Stop wasting mine and everyone else's time, Mr Anonymous. You arse.
Is it any wonder people are obese.
Some people are obese. Others aren't.
They are bombarded with TV shows about food: Masterchef - The Professionals, Ramsay's Best Restaurant, Street Market Chefs, Nigella's Food Show, Jimmy's Food Factory, Nigel Slater's Simple Supper, Hairy Bikers' Cook Off etc.
How VERY dare you criticise Nigella! And the Hairy Bikers! Stop shitting all over my lusts/heroes pal!
Talk about subliminal messages for couch potato viewers.
Not really. I believe my blogging friend Cynical Ben is a food afficionado, and in the pictures I've seen of him he's certainly not obese. In case you've never seen him, here's a photo I may or may not have saved on my computer:
I recall a few years ago when cigarettes were bad news,
Cigarettes - no longer bad news, apparently.
the government said no cigarette smoking on TV, no cigarette adverts, etc. Need I say more.
Yes, you really should. Don't get me wrong, there's far too many cookery shows on television, but a human being is responsible for what he/she puts in their mouth (steady on now). My mother complains all the time about how much football there is on TV. Somehow I don't see a letter from you reading:
"Look at all this football on TV! What a disgrace! Encouraging young people to run around outside and get lots of exercise! Far worse than those sticks that greatly increase your chances of getting lung cancer!!"
Pete Veloso
Shrewsbury
Go outside, walk around your beautiful, beautiful town and enjoy life. Quit yo jibber jabber, fool!
Recently in the media there was a good deal of self-righteous indignation about Nick Clegg choosing as his luxury on Desert Island Discs "a stash of cigarettes".
Not from me, there wasn't. As I said a minute ago, an adult is free to put into his mouth whatever he wants. I hate smoking, and right now I have issues with Nick Clegg, but to me it's a non-story.
But as far as I know, not a dicky bird was said about his dreadful choice of records, which was no better than David Cameron's in 2006.
I did not hear the programme. Hit me with it.
Between them they picked such giants of modern music as Radiohead, David Bowie, Johnny Cash, Bob Dylan, The Smiths, REM, The Killers and Pink Floyd.
Radiohead - very good
David Bowie - genius
Johnny Cash - excellent bordering on genius
Bob Dylan - genius
The Smiths - very good
REM - very good
The Killers - shit
Pink Floyd - not my thing but they're very popular
That's a pretty decent selection. And considering that both Cameron and Clegg are in their early 40s, the time frame pretty much fits as well - they would have grown up listening to the likes of Bowie, Cash, Dylan, and then later on as they got a bit older moved onto The Smiths and Radiohead and so on.
Oh yes, and (in Cameron's case) Benny Hill!
Right.
Both these guys were born into privilege (particularly Cameron),
Correct.
both were expensively and privately educated,
Correct, but, surely you're not...you're not going to say what I think you're going to say, are you? Surely?
both went to one of our top two universities and both regularly rub shoulders with other highly educated people, from whom they surely learn much. Yet the music they chose to listen to repeatedly, perhaps for years marooned on a desert island, was no better than what would be selected by an average 15 year old boy or girl.
You have. Wow.
I honestly think this is a wind-up that not even Voley, our resident Communist, would attempt. What you're saying is that because someone called Percy Chummington-Bowdler had a posh upbringing, went to a good university, and met intelligent people, he must spend all day every day listening to Mahler's 5th Symphony: Tumbleweed on a G-String. That HOW DARE HE listen to "popular" music.
This is just a really sad letter. As someone who likes Dido, The Saturdays and B*Witched, I know more than anyone else that you shouldn't judge someone on their music tastes. Regarding David Cameron - I'll make my own mind up about him, thankyou very much. Whether he listens to Beethoven or Mozart, Steps or 5ive, it matters not a jot. Criticising his taste in "popular" music because he's a bit posh is the most awful, lazy, ridiculous stereotyping ever.
Even allowing for the fact that politicians suck up to the electorate, they ought to be ashamed of themselves.
YOU HEAR THAT CLEGG?! ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.
Seriously, someone show this blog entry to Nick Clegg. I mean it. Get Nick Clegg reading this right now. Wait, he's here? Right now? Good.
Hi Nick! Thanks for reading. NOW FUCK OFF YOU ABSOLUTE DISGRACE. Love, Ewar.
As I said earlier, I won't be joining the Nick Clegg Fanclub anytime soon, but to say he's "sucking up the electorate" (on this, anyway) is just awful shite. Yes, because someone really voted for the Liberal Democrats because Nick Clegg likes an REM song.
I've read some shit letters in my time, but this one has actually made me cross.
Sidney Evans
Chirk
Welsh. I should have guessed.
Thursday, 11 November 2010
Manflu
Hullo.
I have manflu. I feel like death.
I feel like I should blog, as I haven't for a while, but it hurts to think.
SO
I've put up another piece of my writing over on my other blog. If you don't know already it's http://patricksmyopicmusings.blogspot.com/
Also, I've begun to write for a Manchester United fans website. As if I don't have enough on at the moment. If you're interested, I have a piece up on there already about Ji-Sung Park, and (at this time of writing) I've sent another piece off, about last night's game against Citeh. I don't know when it will be put up, but hopefully soon. The website in question is http://thebusbyway.com/
Bye for now.
I have manflu. I feel like death.
I feel like I should blog, as I haven't for a while, but it hurts to think.
SO
I've put up another piece of my writing over on my other blog. If you don't know already it's http://patricksmyopicmusings.blogspot.com/
Also, I've begun to write for a Manchester United fans website. As if I don't have enough on at the moment. If you're interested, I have a piece up on there already about Ji-Sung Park, and (at this time of writing) I've sent another piece off, about last night's game against Citeh. I don't know when it will be put up, but hopefully soon. The website in question is http://thebusbyway.com/
Bye for now.
Thursday, 4 November 2010
Student Special!
I've seen some things in my time, folks. I've seen John Barrowman performing 'Firelifes'. I've seen the legendary 'That's Why We Chose Yale' video. I've seen Jenna Jameson in a policemans uniform take a truncheon and...
Forget that one. Nevertheless, all those pale into insignificance, compared to this. I hate to indulge in hyperbole (great word) but this is THE GREATEST THING EVER AND OH MY GOD YOU MUST WATCH ALL OF THIS RIGHT NOW.
As a student, I naturally love Countdown - it's an institution, of course. But it's only watching this pilot episode of the show that I realise what an unbelievably brave/stupid decision it was to commission it for national television in the first place. There's three parts, and it will take 30 minutes out of your day, but I URGE you to watch it.
ALL of it is brilliant, but some parts to particularly look out:
Forget that one. Nevertheless, all those pale into insignificance, compared to this. I hate to indulge in hyperbole (great word) but this is THE GREATEST THING EVER AND OH MY GOD YOU MUST WATCH ALL OF THIS RIGHT NOW.
As a student, I naturally love Countdown - it's an institution, of course. But it's only watching this pilot episode of the show that I realise what an unbelievably brave/stupid decision it was to commission it for national television in the first place. There's three parts, and it will take 30 minutes out of your day, but I URGE you to watch it.
ALL of it is brilliant, but some parts to particularly look out:
- 2:55 (video 1)
- The most brilliantly urbane Scotsman since Sean Connery as James Bond
- 3:00 (video 2)
- 4:50 (video 2)
- Ted Moult being so painfully out of his depth
- 8:10 (video 2)
- 1:00 (video 3)
- 3:28 (video 3) (WHERE'S HE GONE? WHAT'S HAPPENED TO HIM?!)
- 7:10 (video 3)
- The splendid shade of pink used at the end.
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