Student Special!

I've seen some things in my time, folks. I've seen John Barrowman performing 'Firelifes'. I've seen the legendary 'That's Why We Chose Yale' video. I've seen Jenna Jameson in a policemans uniform take a truncheon and...

Forget that one. Nevertheless, all those pale into insignificance, compared to this. I hate to indulge in hyperbole (great word) but this is THE GREATEST THING EVER AND OH MY GOD YOU MUST WATCH ALL OF THIS RIGHT NOW.

As a student, I naturally love Countdown - it's an institution, of course. But it's only watching this pilot episode of the show that I realise what an unbelievably brave/stupid decision it was to commission it for national television in the first place. There's three parts, and it will take 30 minutes out of your day, but I URGE you to watch it.

ALL of it is brilliant, but some parts to particularly look out:

• 2:55 (video 1)
• The most brilliantly urbane Scotsman since Sean Connery as James Bond
• 3:00 (video 2)
• 4:50 (video 2)
• Ted Moult being so painfully out of his depth
• 8:10 (video 2)
• 1:00 (video 3)
• 3:28 (video 3) (WHERE'S HE GONE? WHAT'S HAPPENED TO HIM?!)
• 7:10 (video 3)
• The splendid shade of pink used at the end.

And so to Turnberry!

I know what you're thinking. No, really, I do. Right now, you are thinking this:

"Wowzers, how hot did Rachel Riley look on Countdown today?!"

You can't fool me, I'm afraid. And you are right, she is gorgeous. But I'm actually thinking about The Open which is starting on Thursday, from the magnificent and challenging Turnberry. Regular readers will know just how awesome my sporting predictions are, so no doubt you are all waiting with baited breath to see who I'm tipping. Well, wait no longer!

I'm going to tip a few people, because I'm cheeky like that. Ian Poulter must surely win his first Major soon, and 28/1 is a nice price for him. Lee Westwood is in a decent run of form, and William Hill has him 3rd favourite at 25/1. And I must back young Rory McIlroy, because I love the wee bastard so much, although he's also 25/1, pretty poor odds to be honest. That price seems ridiculously short for an inexperienced young lad, bearing in mind that the Tiger is in the field also.

Finally, if you want an outsider, the South African Richard Sterne is 250/1, which is a crazy price considering what a solid player he is and how well he played at the weekend. Might have a sneaky quid on that one myself. May the best man win, providing it's not Adam Scott!

Live-Blogging the Countdown Grand Final

15:23 I was looking for something to blog about, and whilst contemplating what I could ramble on about, a nice man on Channel 4 has just announced it's the Countdown Grand Final! SO HERE WE GO! Live-Blogging at short notice, this should be fun.

15:24 C'mon Queenie, make Jeff Stelling a Sir.

15:25 Rachel Riley looking fabulous. Not as nice as Susie Dent, the ultimate MILF, but there we go. And you thought I watched this programme for educational reasons?

15:26 It's Kirk Bevans vs Jimmy Gough!

15:27 Dr Phil Hammond! What a genius.

15:29 PEDANTS for 7. I win.

15:30 Dr Phil does a joke, and NO-ONE laughs. Marvellous.

15:31 Is POLLER a word? If so, for 6. I win.

15:32 Rachel is wearing a massive yellow belt buckle. Looks a bit garish contrasted to her white dress.

15:33 Susie is embarrassed she didn't get "Nounal". I didn't even think the word existed.

15:34 Bored of letters now, let's have some numbers, c'mon.

15:35 EMAILERS is not a proper word, for fucks sake.

15:35 75 x 3 = 225. Add on the 6, the 4, and the 5. 240! I WIN!

15:36 Dr Phil Hammond has a dummy, business is about to pick up.

15:37 Dr Phil just made a joke about Susie grabbing a man "down below". I'm not going to lie, I'm now aroused.

15:40 1st break "teaser" is SOAPSUDS. I win. Going to pop downstairs and get some food, the tension is killing me.

15:44 Back to it. It's Bevans 45-32 Gough, in case you care. Which you probably don't.

15:47 I've got to be honest, this isn't the best thing to Live-blog, particularly if no-one else is watching it. I'm sure some pensioners are watching somewhere, sucking on some Werthers Originals.

15:48 Christ, these guys are good. Probably why they're in the final. I love the way they sigh and say "Only 6" when I've struggled to a 5.

15:50 WAPITI? What the shit is that? Geez.

15:51 I love Susie Dent so much. She would be the best person to open up a dictionary and look up rude words with. That first bit is not a deliberate euphemism.

15:53 My god, Bevans is a fucking machine. 74-45, all over. He is amazing.

15:54 Second break "teaser" is TATTOOED. God, I amaze myself.

15:59 My brother has just come home from school, and as a treat my mother has bought some cream cakes. Please excuse the pause in live-blogging that will now take place. SCHOLAR for 7! I win!

16:04 That was brilliant, neither of the two got the numbers round, and then Jeff got it! The man is an all-round genius.

16:05 Conundrum...and no-one got it. GRANIVORE. I'm as bemused as you are.

16:06 Well done to Kirk "The Kirkulator" Bevans!

16:08 It's all over, the next series starts on............Monday. Right.

16:09 Well, that was fun. Back to Royal Ascot, and pondering what sensible thing I can blog about.

Roland Garros Update #2

Another victory for 'Everybody's favourite Serbian female tennis player' today! In the 2nd Round, 'Everybody's favourite Serbian female tennis player' won convincingly 6-1, 6-2 against world Number 52 Tamarine Tanasugarn from Thailand!

I wasn't able to watch the game, as BBCi was showing Maria Sharapova's match instead. People only watch her because she's pretty, what a disgraceful attitude. More info about 'Everybody's favourite Serbian female tennis player' and her match today here.

In other news, quickly - I just got the Countdown conundrum and the two players in the studio did not! Such a massive achievement for me, I couldn't help sharing it with you. "Workplace" ftw! Stay tuned for Champions League Final Preview!

You're crazy in the coconut!

I've had a really mad day so far. It all started, dear reader, last night.

Sunday nights around my house are roast dinner nights, without fail. About 6pm I wandered downstairs to ask father if he wanted to have a sneaky glass of sherry before dinner (shut your mouth, Merciless), something of a ritual for us on a Sunday night. I walked into the computer room...not there. Lounge...not there. Dining room...not there. Turns out father wasn't feeling very well, so he was asleep in bed, and mum was making pasta for dinner instead. Fair enough.

I thought nothing more of it, and after spending an interesting and productive night on the internet (no, not pornography, you sod) I collapsed into bed at 3am, looking forward to a long and marvellous sleep. Which promptly didn't materialise, as I was woken up at 7:30am. Dad still wasn't feeling brilliant, and now Mum was feeling sick, meaning it was up to little old me to take The Ginger Prince to school. I did that, came home, felt a bit tired (not long to go in this story, don't worry) so decided to go back to bed for a few more hours kip. Next thing I knew, I was being woken up by The Ginger One, at 3:30pm. I'm not joking, either. I have no idea how he got home, but I like the thought of him being like an animal, and having a homing instinct and getting home himself. More likely father picked him up, but there you go.

Anyway, I've just watched Countdown, and typed this. It's 16:13, and I feel like the day is just starting. There's absolutely no way I'm getting to sleep tonight. 

If you're still reading this, a) congratulations and b) you're mad. Have a video for your troubles - my favourite video at the moment: