Are you ready to be...

...if you've just said the word "heartbroken" out loud after reading that title, congratulations! You win...nothing. Because in this instance, you're wrong. Are you ready to be bored, people? Of course you are, you're reading my blog. We all know this is what you do to pass some time once you've looked at the news, e-mail, all other blogs, pornography, the news from Norwegian elections. I know you, people. I know you.

Anyway, I want you to cast your mind back to a blog entry of mine a few weeks back, the link is handily here. If you can't be bothered to click on the link, a quick summary:

A man called Allan Tucker from Oswestry wrote a letter into The Sloppy Star saying, quite simply, that the Taliban are not "our lot" and that we should just leave them and exit from Afghanistan "pronto". I didn't agree, and I proceeded to make a few lame jokes and gently ridicule him. But I will give him credit though - his letter got across his point of view perfectly. He wants the troops to come home from Afghanistan, and his short, snappy letter left no doubt as to his feelings on this matter.

Congratulations Allan. What this means however is that the last thing you need to do is write another letter into the paper about Afghanistan. Seriously, why bother? There's no point. So you're not going to do that, are you? Are you? Oh, you are? Okay, cool.

What a fiasco the Afghan war is. We have been sucked into an imbroglio. Our part must end.

(end of letter)

You know that phone I have where I can phone anyone in history? I haven't used it for a while - I had to get it repaired after it melted whilst I was having phone sex with Fanny Hill. Anyway, I feel like phoning a Hollywood actor. Let's try.....Bill Murray!

(taps out unnecessarily long phone number)

"Hello?"

"Mr Bill Murray sir! It is I, Ewar!"

"Yes?"

"Are you okay, you sound a bit down?"

"No, I'm not okay. You see, I'm stuck in this weird world where every day seems to be exactly the same as the last. It's just the same old shit and I'm finding it difficult to cope!"

"Goodness Bill! I couldn't imagine anything like tha...(looks at paper) Actually...I hear you brother. Hang in there."

Guess who's back?

Back again? Slarkie's back! Tell your friends!

I said I would start to cut down on my tirades against the letters page of my local newspaper, but I just cannot resist showing you this one. Because it is NONSENSE.

I am sitting here with my blood boiling.

You okay Slarkie? Can I get you a drink? We have some chocolate digestives in the cupboard, how about I get you some with a nice cup of tea? I'll presume you have your tea with milk in it.

Whilst our troops are shot to pieces in Afghanistan our repulsive MPs are away on holiday.

Wow, okay. Let's take this slowly. First of all, massive respect to anyone in the Army, and they are a squillion times braver than I ever could be - let me make that crystal clear. HOWEVER if someone is in Afghanistan, and fighting, it is because they chose to sign up. They weren't forced to. I'm not going to get into a long discussion about the rights/wrongs of the war, but we do have to understand that people serving their country are acutely aware of the dangers of warfare, and what might happen to them. Again, kudos to them.

Secondly, not all MPs are repulsive. I've had many a lovely "twitter-convo" (I've just made that word up) with the lovely Jo Swinson (shame she's a Liberal) and I would happily share a bed with Caroline Flint. And if we move away from the shallow end of the pool - I'm sure we could name a few MPs who are vaguely okay. Vince Cable? William Hague? Hazel Ble...anyway, they're not ALL repulsive. And I think they do deserve a holiday, every now and again. What about the ones who were against the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq? You think they're repulsive as well?

Not, however, before some of them have set in motion a high court action to claw back the meagre compensation allotted to our wounded heroes.

I know what you're thinking - you're thinking that this is just going to develop into a typical letter attacking MPs and attacking the Afghanistan war. Right?

But I have an idea!

Without doubt, the most terrifying sentence ever since my head of 6th form said to me "I've got your A-Level results".

We have all seen pictures of David Beckham in his white knickers advertising Calvin Klein.

Have you ever watched The One Show? I watch it sometimes, as I like Adrian Chiles' constant misery, and I fancy the pants off Christine Bleakley. I also like what I call "The One Show change of tack" where they will be talking about something sombre ie. death, and then suddenly Chiles will clap his hands together and say "Right, eggs!"

But this, folks, is a proper "change of tack". From MPs and the Afghanistan war, to David Beckham and his bulge in some Calvin Klein pants. Don't know about you, but I'm excited! About the letter, not about the bulge. Hey, if Beckham went to war, would it be the Battle of the Bulge? (Oh, fuck off)

It's said he has signed a £20 million contract for a three-year campaign.

Slarkie, if this is a subtle little tribute to the way Clarkson introduces The Stig on Top Gear, I take back everything, and I want you to be my gran. However I doubt it is, sadly.

They call him a football hero.

I call him a silly twat who threw away legendary status at United by turning into "Brand Beckham" and pissing about in his last season for us.

There is also a fabulously evocative photograph of the really very handsome Corporal Anthony Duncan who is sitting on an ammunition box...thinking about what, one wonders?

I know this! Ask me, ask me, ask me! You're pointing at me? Cool! He was thinking about whether John Nettles is better in Bergerac or Midsomer Murders! What do I win?!

Wouldn't it be great if a perfume house patriotically decided to put under contract some of our boys to advertise their wares - a few million would help a lot to ease their injuries.

I have no idea what relevance this has with the first part of your letter. And no, it wouldn't be great. It would be a bit patronising, most people wouldn't be interested, most "perfume houses" are not British, nor would they be interested. Where would they do the photo shoots? If back here in the UK, that withdraws them for where they are needed. If done out there, not really too suitable is it? How about a "perfume house" gave a few million to fund more helicopters/ammunition/vehicles/various other stuff needed?

A quick summary - you've not really thought this through, have you?

Sitting in their dusty vehicles

Sexy!

they could be saying: "(Expletive!) When I get back home I'm looking forward to my Gucci shower," or something like that.

Not their families? Or home cooking? Or the simple fact that, at home, they might stand less chance of being "shot to pieces"? No, it's their "Gucci shower" (whatever the hell that is). Okay, cool. Still, at least the millions they make will be a consolation, when they're shot dead.

And what finer example for the military to set, than one of their guys standing around in his pants, swearing and advertising something that doesn't exist!

(End of letter)

J Wendy Slark

Oswestry

I strongly dislike you.