Writers Gonna Write!

Dear readers,

Something truly staggering has happened. Over the past few weeks, my local paper The Sloppy Star has been inundated with bafflingly barmy letters - and I mean inundated. I don't use the "I" word lightly, don't you worry about that. Now, if you're a long term reader you'll know all about the letters page and the bonkers correspondents, but in the past few weeks the volume of said scribblings has increased dramatically. It's actually quite awe-inspiring, but also rather fucking scary. In one particular edition, there were eight stupid letters to marvel at. 8! EIGHT! IN ONE PAPER! That's....I mean....wow.

I like to be a good and responsible blogger, so every letter of the magical variety I saw, I saved the paper. Thus my room now looks like the awkward bit in your local library where they stockpile old newspapers, but it's these sacrifices I make which enables this blog, TRAROTL, to once again retain it's crown as Britain's Most Beloved Blog, as voted for by Blogger Insider magazine readers*.

I've lost count of how many letters I have to analyse for your reading pleasure, but I suspect it's getting close to 20 now. Naturally I shan't be covering them all in this blog entry - I'll spread them out over the next...say...3 years or so, but before I drown in print, let us make a start.

*May or may not be real.

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Calm down dear it's only a Coalition which is falling apart.


Not really. Not yet.

"How can I stay in power?" said Cameron. "I know, we'll have a vote."


Hmmm?

AV, first past the post or name out of a hat. "Name out of the hat", that's the one said Cameron, "My name on every vote," said Cameron. A wonderful idea, dear.


John R Brown
Shrewsbury


A promising start, I think we can agree?

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At the time of writing this letter, there is much confusion as to whether Osama Bin Laden is dead or not. 


This letter is taken from The Shropshire Star of May 9th, 2011, exactly one week after Bin Laden was shot and killed by US military. There wasn't any confusion about Bin Laden's status then, nor is there now. Dead, isn't he? As dead as a Dido.

Dodo.

There is much finger pointing at other countries involved, including Pakistan and it can soon escalate into another war. I am not aware of the procedure in other countries, but it may be a useful exercise to ascertain if there have been any children registered with a bin Laden as the father in recent years since 2002.

This is unintentional genius.

Nurse: "Do we have a name for the father, to put on the birth certificate?"
Mother: "Bin Laden. Osama."
Nurse: "How lovely. And what does Mr Bin Laden do?"
Mother: "International terrorist, warlord and overseer of a violent and fundamentalist group consisting of a multinational, stateless Sunni army which strives for global Jihad."
Nurse: "I'll just put 'Political Campaigner' on the document itself, so I will!"

That conversation took place in Ireland, judging by the last sentence.

I am saying this because there have been reports of his death since then.


Which were false.

Speaking of which, there should be a death certificate issued. However, like Barack Obama's birth certificate, it could take up to three years to find.


Trevor Mytton
Shrewsbury


Sigh. http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/birthcertificate.asp

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In the first-past-the-post contest of female hats at the royal wedding, Mrs Cameron was the clear winner.


Letter taken from Tuesday May 10th, so you can see that, much like the first letter, these unfunny idiots are taking every opportunity they can take to crowbar in references to the AV vote of a few days previous.

Her choice was original and outstanding. The PM has real class for a wife.


I should hope so, considering her background which is, shall we say, "privileged".

Fred Phipps
Minsterley


That's it? Seriously?

Look, I'm no expert on writing letters, but I can't help thinking that a letter into The Shropshire Star, lest we forget, should at least try and cover a minimum of one of these areas:

1) Something about Shropshire
2) Something of national interest
3) Something which contributes to an ongoing debate/issue, either locally or nationally
4) Something amusing
5) Something interesting

With that in mind, I'd mark Fred's letter as 0/50. Quite some achievement.

Let's have one more for now. I think I can cope with one more as long as it isn't from my long-term arch nemesis, Val Duncan.

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The Greek bailout...get a life.


Oh Val. This relationship is only going to end one way, I fear - a duel to the death at Reichenbach Falls. A nice literary reference there for my highly sophisticated readership.

Do you really believe "we are reluctant, but we will do it anyway" will cut any ice?


Sorry....me? Me personally? Well, Val, errm...well I suppose that's just the way it is, isn't it? They use the Euro, so I suppose it's financially sensible for the other Euro using nations to buck them up a bit. But thanks for asking, appreciate it.

You are on a slippery slope to nowhere.


Fucking hell, that was just an opinion off the top of my head. Lay off a bit eh?

Think about it.


Right.

Major is an irrelevant force.


Major? Wait....JOHN Major? John Major, Prime Minister between 1990-1997? Are you....what?

Blair is toxic.


Tony Bliar - he lies about EVERYTHING - is "toxic". WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

Brown is toxic.


You've done that one.

Clegg is toxic.


Everybody is "toxic". We get it. This is like a karaoke rendition of Britney's song "Toxic", only sung by a xenophobic lunatic.

Miliband is a national joke.


I think this is a tad harsh. Nevertheless, WHAT in the name of bejesus are you talking about? What is your point Val?

Now the country has its sights set on Cameron.


?????????????????

All of them are leaders who sold their country out - they trashed our laws and imported foreign laws illegally.


After a slow and bizarre start, Val has settled down and has resorted to her safe ground - the EU is shit, we should tell Europe to fuck off, foreign laws blah blah blah. She'll carry on this theme for a little while longer.

They wrecked the economy and sold everything off to Europe. They got us involved in unwanted (and expensive) wars. They sold off our gold reserves. They gave money we didn't have to countries with more reserves than we have and fed the insatiable EU. They bailed out a currency we didn't use. They gave money to educate foreign children while putting our students in debt. All of them are traitors to the British people.


Vintage Val! But here comes an odd change of tack.

The country has sussed out what is going on, just look how the last party leaders were got in.


This is a very odd statement, but luckily Val doesn't just ditch it and move on, she proceeds to dig herself a big hole in trying to explain it. We're going in, folks!

Clegg was pushed onto the dumb Lib Dems. It took the Communist unions to push Miliband into place. And it took AV to put Cameron in over David Davis.


Right.

a) Nick Clegg wasn't exactly "pushed onto" the Liberal Democrats. He stood against Chris Huhne in an election determined by party members.

b) I dislike trade unions - a debate for another day - but to describe them as 'Communist' is facile. Mind you, it is a shame they interfered in that election. If they hadn't voted in Miliband, just think! The leader would have been....Miliband.

c) The Conservatives do not use AV in their leader elections. You are an idiot and I hate you.

Let's move on!

All of them were placed to weaken and destroy their parties and the country for an EU takeover.


Long term readers will understand that this isn't satire - that Val isn't a comic creation dreamt up by a mate of mine, or myself. It COULD be a wind-up - if it is, it's sensational. I fear it isn't though.

Only the party faithful are too dumb to see it. The rest of the country are far more intelligent.


At this point I, and I suspect you, are thinking "Let's wrap it up now eh Val love?". Not yet my friends, she's got more!

But the country will redress the balance and when it is ready it will pull down the coalition and vote an anti-EU party into power. Look around, it's already starting to happen across Europe and it will happen here. The EU is a busted flush and the country will make sure all of you fall along with it unless we get a vote to come out of the EU. You can't win this one...


Back to me again, are we?

600 against 60 million is very poor odds.


600? I'm going to assume Val is meaning MPs here, of which there are 649 currently sitting in the House of Commons. But thinking about it, trying to assume anything Val Duncan means is an exercise in futility - her mind is a strange ol' place after all.

The country has a long memory and a sharp sense of justice. It will take its revenge, be sure of it.


Val fucking Duncan
Telford


Until next time, you deranged nut.

Insanity

Apologies for two blog posts in a row about letters in my local paper - next blog post might be about Justin Bieber!!!! - but I just cannot ignore these two letters. Quite simply, friends, I think it's fair to say we've hit the jackpot. These two letters contain a level of sheer unbelievableness not seen since my old friend J Wendy Slark, (whatever happened to Slarkie? She disappeared altogether. I'm worried - it has been a particularly cold winter) and I know you'll love them.

I'll start with the slightly less offensive one.

With reference to letters claiming there is no evidence that bringing back the death penalty stops murders.


Those letters would be correct. The other day I found this site: http://www.tdcj.state.tx.us/stat/executedoffenders.htm

which makes for sobering reading. It's a list of people executed in Texas, and along with their information it lists their Last Statement. Have a quick look at that site - it's absolutely incredible, if that's the right word.

The thing that really jumps out at me however on that site is the length of the list - over 450 names, the first being in 1982, the last a few months ago. The last being a murderer, by the way. Death penalty stops murders happening? Hell, not in Texas.

It is a sure fact that when the murderer is sentenced to the death penalty they cannot come out and commit another crime. This is not revenge, it's justice.


Oh, aren't you funny. And witty. For anyone wanting to be a humourist, let be break this sentence down for you:

"Death penalty means they're dead, innit? Can't murder anyone then can they, because they've been murdered themselves LMAO."

I abhor the death penalty. If it did come back - and it might under this Government, y'know - I'll be on the first flight out of here. Not because I'd be particularly worried about my welfare (I'm not scheduled to murder anyone for a while, bar Val Duncan) but because I think it's appalling, hypocritical, misguided, barbaric and has the potential to cause all manner of problems. I present my case a bit more eloquently here: http://theriseandriseoftimlovejoy.blogspot.com/2010/08/green-mile.html

In that blog post I admit how terrified I am at the prospect of there being a referendum on the Death Penalty. Thick cunts like you, GM Phillips from Ironbridge, fuel my fear.

Staggeringly, out of the two letters I'm putting up here for you to read, that one is the least offensive. This next one is....well, it's the motherload.

The writer of the letter "Victory for Gay Rights" should hang his/her head in shame. Just because the law now says homosexuality is accepted, the reality is that it is man's law. But when compared to God's law (which never changes) it is still wrong.


I think I've read that paragraph six times now. I still can't quite believe it.

It is clear man is exchanging truth for a lie. If this were not so, then why would the following verses be included in the Bible?


The Bible is a bucketload of shit, okay?

According to the Bible it is a sin to:

Get a divorce
Have sex before marriage
Accuse someone
Be angry
Feel anxious
Have an argument
Show arrogance
Complain
Drink
Be disobedient
And, of course, to be homosexual.

If we're taking the Bible verbatim, we're ALL fucked.

"Because of this, God gave them over to sinful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnat...


Actually, you know what?

I'm not even going to type out the rest of the quote. I do not care. If you desperately want to read it, apparently it's Romans 1:26-27, although in the index you'll find it under "more shit".

Name and address supplied says if there is a God, he would love everyone.


I find discussions and opinions about God so futile and unnecessary. Is there a God? I don't know, neither do you. There is no evidence to suggest there is, there's no evidence to prove there isn't. Whatever you think about God, whatever your religion, I wish people would just shut up and go about their lives in a nice, positive manner regardless. And if you really need a 'holy' old book to tell you what's right or wrong, then sort yourself out.

I just wonder how mankind could fulfil God's command to procreate if it were not through man and woman?


This is all just too little. It is too clumsy, too futile, too unintelligent, too insane to even comment on. It is also the end of the letter.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_animals_displaying_homosexual_behavior apologies for the wiki link, but that page is interesting reading. Some people are gay. Some animals are gay. Get the fuck over it.

Congratulations Trevor Mytton from Shrewsbury. You've made the list.