The Hegemon

Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear.

It's elections time at The Hegemon - a period of voting to see which upstanding and deserving person will be voted in to whichever Student Union position they are running for. Last night my lover, Dan, and I had a browse at the SU website to read/watch the manifestos of these fools we can vote for if we so desire. It was a very galling experience. Here are some brief lowlights:

Search for a venue to be seen as a Union for Students to go to during the day that isn’t too far from all campuses including City, Walsall and Compton.

ALL campuses? Well then you have to include Telford campus as well. So you're looking to find a venue that students can realistically get to, which isn't too far from Wolverhampton, Telford and Walsall. Good luck with that.

To lobby the University to change from a 3 strike Academic Misconduct system to a system of 2 strikes and you’re out.

As many of you know, I watch a bit of baseball. Of course, we're all familiar with the classic baseball parlance - 2 strikes and you're out.

Inspiration..it’s a big word and a word that excites me almost as much as the prospect of helping YOU to IMPROVE your experience at University. It’s YOU that matters most as the Activities Officer because without your INTERESTS and INTERACTION it’s a hollow role.

Stop shouting at me, for God's sake.

Here, I am running for the Academic Vice President post. I have been advised and told by other that this is a very hard, boring job.

Well, at least this guy is honest.

Hello person reading this! I’m ELLEN MARSHALL a 3rd year Drama and Performance student running for the position of WELFARE VICE PRESIDENT.

A Drama student - I would never have guessed.

I must make you aware of the fact before you vote that I am running for the position because I believe in making a difference, not purely because I want a job.

So it's purely because you want a job, then.

Bio: Current SU President, Business Marketing Student, Music Lover and General Party Animal.

Mission: YOUR WELFARE.

There are no words.

I will campaign for all lights to be turned off in rooms not in use and for all computers to be turned off when not in use, as leaving them on standby uses electricity and adds to climate change.

Yeah, good luck with that.

I have lived in Compton for three years and in my time here I feel that Compton has been the forgotten campus. It was not until I was an RA that Compton got recognised but even this was not a big enough improvement. When the Best Mate scheme was created I was the only Best Mate based in Compton. I worked hard to make sure people knew what was going during freshers' week. I want to be the voice of Compton as I feel that as a campus we do not have a voice or a say. If I become the Compton Officer I promise to make sure Compton is heard at the highest level within the Students' Union and University. I will try and hold events at the Compton site so people know about Compton.

That's like one of my essays, where the question will have a key-phrase like "significant impact" and so I'll try my damn hardest to write that phrase about 6 times in the introduction alone.

"I am only one; but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something. I will not refuse to do the something I can do."

Hellen Killer.

That will be Helen Keller then, yes? She was many things, but a Killer certainly wasn't one of them.

With a believe in mind and faith in my heart I Jasmeet S. Dhir compete for the post of International officer, assuring to perform my duties whole-heartedly.

Alright son, calm down. You're gunning for a part-time, unpaid job, not leading men into Iraq.

VOTE FOR YOURSELF

(JASPAL SINGH)

I will do mate, cheers.

Hey! My name is Aurora Backhouse

Taking the piss, surely?

I want to make sure that students get the most out of there union and that everybody has an enjoyable experience.

THEIR! THEIR! THEIR! (jumps up and down on chair, screaming) THEIR! THEIR UNION!

I am very passionate about everybody getting the best out of there university experience.

I give up.

Which leads me neatly onto this:

In a fucking Che fucking Guevara fucking t-shirt.

What's that? N.J.Howard is leaving The Hegemon and moving to Cornwall? Can't blame him. Don't blame him. Can I come too, Neil?

S-mash-ing

You may have noticed that I haven't ridiculed a stupid letter into The Sloppy Star for a wee while. I don't know whether they've got a new letters page editor or something, because all the barmy ones seem to have dried up. Perhaps they've found this blog, who knows. Anyway, there's a letter in last night's paper which isn't really that mad, and it's not along the usual political lines either, but it's a bit bizarre and just tickled me, so let's have it. Step forward, Mr Keith Gaut from Donnington!

I have read with interest your article on which are the best fish and chips we've ever had.

Unbelievably, I missed that piece. Can't think how.

DID YOU KNOW? Your author, Mr Ewar Woowar of Lovejoy Towers, has never, ever, ever had fish and chips from a chippy. Is a facht, honest. When I was a kid, my Dad always used to get me a Pukka Pie and chips. Maybe even with mushy peas, if he'd been paid that week.

Nowadays when we go to our local chippy, I have two battered sausages and chips, if only for the phallic images provided.

Well, I am fast approaching 60 now and I can say I have tasted every chippy, restaurant, kebab, Greek, Turk, Oriental and Asian takeaways in Telford and in my opinion no-one can cook English traditional fish and chips like the ones I had in my youth. They were cooked by Percy Dean of Wrockwardine Wood.

Congratulations Percy Dean!

He purchased only the best products and the freshest fish and never worried about the cost.

You know at Christmas time, when an elderly relative has been at the cooking sherry and begins to ramble on, telling you inane stories about his youth? This is like that - except in real life you can bring someone else over to listen to him and then quietly slope away. Here, we're stuck reading this.

And if I'm going to listen to the whole of this story, I'm taking you with me.

He changed the fat every week and you could tell they were 100% better than any you can buy locally today.

I knew a girl who's parents owned a chippy actually. She was a nice girl, but she did smell.

The queues outside the shop were longer than you could imagine.

Not too sure what the point of this letter is anymore, except for the old clichéd "When I were a lad, this country was proper! I woke up at 5am every morning to get ready to go down t'pit - and I had to cycle 12 miles to get there laddie!"

He even had weekly visits from people in the West Midlands who came over just for his fish and chips.

You worked for Percy Dean didn't you? Don't try and deny it.

Today's healthy eating freaks

Freaks.

won't know how delicious chips cooked in lard and dripping are compared to those done in vegetable oil.

No joke - one of my arteries just clogged up reading that.

There is no comparison, believe me I'm an expert.

Alright mate, calm down. You've been to a few chippys in the Telford and Wrekin area in your 60 years, it's not like you've got a degree in it.

Actually, Vole, put a word in at The Hegemon - a uni course based on fish and chips and other takeaway foods would be excellent. You could get Frank to lecture on it, as chips and Diet Coke together is a fine combination.

DID YOU KNOW? Your author, Mr Ewar Woowar of Lovejoy Towers, prefers mayonnaise on his chips rather than tomato ketchup. Is a facht.

Restaurants serve frozen oven chips and to me they are as tasty as a raw spud.

END OF THE LETTER! END...OF...THE...LETTER!

In conclusion - fish and chips. SRS BIZNIZ.

Extraordinary

Yes, I know I'm busy, but a) I can't ignore this and b) I'm determined to put this on my blog before the Vole does.

That picture, to me, is brilliant, brave, unsettling, true, clever and extremely thought-provoking.

Very well played, Steve Bell.

Busy as a Bee

Hullo.

I know I've been quiet lately, but as any Hegemon people reading this will know, it's a bit hectic here currently. At the moment I have 3 essays to write, 1 reading diary to make up and 1 interview assignment to do, all before Saturday. Hence I've not had much time to blog these past few days, nor will I be able to do so the rest of this week either.

But as I'm having some lunch and a quick breather right now, I thought I would just point out to you all that I'm still alive. How are you anyway? I love the shoes.

Anyway, that's my sandwich finished. Enjoy this video, and I'll blog again soon. Don't know where....don't know whennnnnnnnnnn.

Sean and Sarah Smith

The other day I was talking to someone about films when they uttered the words "To be honest, I've never seen any of the Star Wars movies". So I threw him to the ground and repeatedly stamped on his head, the stupid dick. I ain't having that.

But on my way home I began to reflect on something my good friend Dan (waves at Dan) has told me many times - that he doesn't like curry. Now, to me, that's completely mental, but I suppose it just goes to show how everyone is different. And that in turn led me to ponder about things that seem to be universally popular, but I just don't "get" for some reason. So, excuse the self-indulgence, but here's a list of things I don't "get" and you can tell me why I'm wrong or whether you agree...

The Beatles - I'll happily admit part of this is my prejudice against L****pool, but they've never done it for me. I love 'Hey Jude', and I could probably hum along to a few of their songs, but I just don't get the hero worship that seems to surround them. Give me the Stones or the Kinks over them any day.

Avatar - Congratulations, you've made a film with lots of excellent special effects. That's great. But what you also have is essentially a 3 hour film with a simple re-telling of the Pocahontas story. I'll pass, thanks. Talking about James Cameron...

Titanic - I've got better things to do with my time than sit and watch a boat sink for 3 hours, thanks. In fact, pretty much all disaster movies are shit.

Gavin and Stacey - Comedy for chavs, by chavs.

Friends - This is a bit harsh, as I don't mind Friends. But again it's the hero worship that seems to go with it that baffles me. It certainly doesn't come close to the innovation of Cheers, or the smartness of Frasier, yet there must be a reason why C4 have been repeating it non-stop for about 10 years. Just don't "get" that.

Eastenders/Coronation Street/Hollyoaks/any other UK soap - I know people who watch these religiously, and plan their whole evenings around them. I mean, really. Eastenders is depressing, and consists of Cockneys shouting at each other and saying "Leave it aaat!" Coronation Street is just a silly Northern stereotype, and Hollyoaks is just a bunch of chavs. Life is difficult/tough enough without taking on the burden of watching other people's problems.

Dr Who -Absolute nonsense watched solely by nerds, who sit in their bedrooms and jump up and down shouting "Oh my god! That enemy hasn't been encountered by the Doctor since 1974!" before ejaculating. And David Tennant is not attractive, as every woman seemingly thinks - he's a very strange looking man who only has one expression to convey any emotion.

Lesbian Porn - Not nearly as enjoyable as it should be, to be frankly honest.

Johnny Depp - Don't think I've ever watched a film of his that I liked. Overrated.

Sin City - Dan's going to be cross at me for ranting about this again, but I can't help it, it is quite literally the worst film of all time.

Twilight/Robert Pattinson - Just.......no.

Snickers - In fact, ANYTHING with peanuts in. Disgusting.

Oasis vs Blur - Why couldn't I like both?

Realitv TV - For brain-dead people.

High School Musical films - I don't normally want to wish death on people, but, really.

Jordan/Alex Reid/Peter Andre - See above.

Cheryl Cole - Fortunate that she has a very good stylist nowadays. Let's not forget about that nightclub incident either (I'll not mention it, but google it if you don't know)

Princess Diana - I don't wish to speak ill of the deceased, and this is more the nation's infatuation with her than anything else. In a 2002 poll, she was voted in the Top 10 Britons of all time, ahead of Darwin, Turing, Shakespeare, Newton, Lennon, Nelson. I mean, seriously?

That's all I can think of for now. Perhaps I'm just a very angry young man, incapable of liking anything. I'm off to eat some more bile, toodles!

Ladies and Gentleman, Mr Jimmy Bullard!

Film - Ewar Style!

Good day everyone, and welcome to "Film" with me, Ewarwoowar!

A few months back, I was fortunate enough to stumble upon a website that allowed me to watch a wide array of movies on it for free. I have absolutely no doubt that this site is a bit dodgy, so unfortunately I've completely forgotten the name of it, and I'm sure it doesn't really exist. However, if you wish to look for it, send me an e-mail, and I might dredge the address back from the depths of my memory. (Or just ask Dan)

Anyway, so recently I've been watching a few movies, and thought it would be nice to do a little round-up of reviews about them. None of these films are new releases, so chances are some of you will have seen them already. Please bear with me, as I'm always about 10 years behind everyone else.

"Ewar, that's all well and good, but shouldn't you have been doing university work instead?"

Shut up. Right, here we go!

Valkyrie (2008) When I looked at the cast for this beforehand, I thought this couldn't work.

The Hollywood A Lister - Tom Cruise.

The "thesp" - Kenneth Branagh.

The English maverick - Bill Nighy.

The comedian - Eddie Izzard.

Them all together? Crazy. Yet, it works quite well.

Cruise plays Claus von Stauffenberg, a central figure in the German Resistance movement of WWII and the main conspirator of the failed 20/7/44 plot to blow up Hitler, remove the Nazi bastards from power and end the war. The film is a good re-telling of that plot, and whilst it's unfortunate that you know the unsuccessful ending beforehand, the film is still gripping and absorbing.

I'll be honest, I like Tom Cruise as an actor. Yes, he is mental, but he's done so many good films, most notably for me the wonderful 'Jerry Maguire'. He also does a very decent job as von Stauffenberg in this, alas with one slight problem that irritated me throughout - the lack of a German accent. He's not the only one, but for a film based on German military men, I expected the actors to at least try the accent, instead of speaking Hollywood-stylie. That annoyed me about this film, but that is the only negative I can come up with here. If you haven't done so already, it is well worth seeing this movie.

Ewar Rating 8/10

Madagascar 2 (2008) Yes, well, I watched this with my little brother, but thought I had better just quickly mention it. First off, it's a lot better than it's predecessor. Having been marooned on, yes, Madagascar, the animals attempt to fly back to NYC and their zoo. Sadly a problem with their plane leads them to crash-land in Africa, where Alex the Lion just happens to be re-united with his family. A big decision soon looms for the gang - to stay in the glorious surroundings of an African safari park, or to try and head back to New York?

If you want a kids film, you could do worse, however you could also do much better - 'Finding Nemo' is still the dogs bollocks for me.

Ewar Rating 6/10

Dirty Pretty Things (2002) Before this film, I had never seen an Audrey Tatou film. This is quite surprising, considering that my good friend "G" goes into a frenzy/starts masturbating whenever anyone mentions either her name or her signature film 'Amelie', and he recommended I try out this film. A splendid recommendation, because this film is bloody superb.

I'll deal with Tatou in a bit, but I want to focus on Chiwetel Ejiofor, who puts in a very good performance as an illegal immigrant from Nigeria called 'Okwe'. Working in a London hotel, he soon discovers the unpalatable and grim side of the city, and soon gets embroiled in a rather unsavoury situation involving peoples organs, passports, cash in hand, backstreet operations...

The film itself is a social commentary on the dark underbelly of urban life, which it handles magnificently. It also has humour, emotion, morality, romance, sadness and happiness, and a gripping and involving story that will keep you hooked throughout. I loved it.

If I had to have criticisms about this film, I could only really suggest two, and both are minor. Firstly, I found Tatou a bit annoying, and I would argue forever that Ejiofor deserves far more recognition and praise for his performance in this film. I felt that Tatou was a little OTT and just a little bit too excitable for me. Very pretty girl though.

Secondly, Okwe begins to stumble upon the seedy nature of his surroundings when he discovers something that is blocking a toilet in a hotel room (I shan't say what it is). However, this bit makes absolutely no sense, and even after browsing through the imdb forums I'm still left searching for an answer as to why this thing would be down the toilet. It is quite simply a bit of "popcorn logic" - it's not a big thing, but it just irritated me a bit, as I like my films to be perfectly cut and dried with everything nicely explained and tidied up neatly.

Never the less, don't pay too much attention to those criticisms. If you haven't seen it, I absolutely urge you to watch this film - I'm certain you won't regret it.

Ewar Rating 8.5/10

Rachel Getting Married (2008) I watched this last night, so I haven't had a great deal of time to ponder over it like I have done with the others.

As you can tell from the title, Rachel is getting married. However, despite it being her big day, Rachel is not the focus of the film - instead we're spending 2 hours with Rachel's sister Kym, a model who has been allowed out of rehab for her sister's big day.

What this leads to is an interesting little film about family dynamics, focusing on the strained relationships between Kym and those around her - her sister, her divorced parents, the maid of honour. Oh, and this isn't helped by what happened to Kym's little brother, Ethan, when he was left in her charges, unhappily at the exact time that she was completely stoned.

The film itself, in my opinion, is a bit of a letdown. There's a potential there for a really, really good film, but it's ruined by a number of strange decisions throughout. So many scenes either are irrelevant (including a very strange scene involving a race to load a dishwasher) or go on for far too long. There's about 15 minutes worth of "wedding speeches" which again is totally unnecessary - it's a wedding, we get it.

Than there's the use of a hand-held camera throughout, which again is meant to symbolise that it's a wedding, and there's someone filming it for prosperity...but the audience are not idiots. We understand this already. Above all else, this film desperately needed a good edit - it is 20 minutes too long, and after about 5 minutes of watching people dancing at a wedding, I found my attention wandering somewhat.

Despite all these criticisms however, one thing impressed me greatly in this film, and that is the leading lady, Anne Hathaway. I only really knew Hathaway from 'Get Smart', the slightly tired and contrived comedy she co-starred in with Steve Carell, and I presumed that's all she was.

I was hideously wrong. As the complex, outspoken wild-child Kym, she is absolutely brilliant, and it's no surprise to read that she was nominated for both an Oscar and a Golden Globe for this role.

Do I recommend this movie? As a film, probably not, but if you want a woman in a strong and convincing role than I certainly would point you to Hathaway in this.

Ewar Rating 6/10

Of course, films are all about opinions. If you agree/disagree or maybe want more info about anything, drop a comment below!