The Rise and Rise of Tim Lovejoy

Education Education Education

2012-01-25T12:51:00.000Z

This blog post is on education, something which I feel quite passionately about, and it is on something I saw over on the blog of that there Plashing Vole. I'll be analysing the initial article in a second but here it is in full: http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2012/jan/23/chief-inspector-schools-michael-wilshaw and here is Vole's reply: http://plashingvole.blogspot.com/2012/01/leave-those-kids-alone.html

Let's meet the new head of Ofsted, Sir Michael Wilshaw!

(PS As I'm about to copy and paste, and due to the fact that Blogger is shit, my font is about to go mad. Apologies for that, can't see how to change it)

Walking through Mossbourne academy's long, high, glass atrium you have to speak in whispers, for every classroom door is left open to reveal rows of neatly uniformed children, heads-down in concentration. You could literally hear a pen drop. Sir Michael Wilshaw, the Hackney-based academy's first principal and now England's new chief inspector of schools, believes every school could be like this.

Straight off the bat we have a pretty clear implication - this is the way it should be! This is the dream! As it is, I think it's junk. Nobody wants a raucous, disruptive classroom, but a classroom dominated by fear and utterly silent ain't brilliant either. The best and most productive lessons I had at school came when I was working with my friends - we communicated, we worked in teams, we could have a laugh with the teacher. School didn't seem quite so terrible when it was like that.

I don't want to over-egg this pudding because we've a lot to get through, but now that I'm sitting back and reminiscing - I remember the teacher who did quizzes for us, I remember the maths teacher who warmed our brains up every lesson with a 10-minute mathematics game, I remember the teacher who picked a student at the end of every lesson to count down whilst reciting an animal ("1,497 giraffes, 1,496 giraffes, 1,495... etc) and I remember how much fun that all was, and what good teachers all three were. On the flipside, I remember the teacher who everybody feared, who seemed to suck the joy out of everything. We sat in silence, we got out our books and we read, and woe betide anyone who spoke. That wasn't much fun, nor was it particularly productive.

Just one final point on this paragraph - the glee expressed over the rows of neatly uniformed, silent children remind me a little of Ritzer's "McDonaldization" term. Control! Efficiency! Standardization! Yay!

"There's a 'no excuses culture' here," he says. "We tell the youngsters and we tell the parents we don't care really what background you're from; it's where you're going that's the most important issue."

I'm not sure this article tells us the age of these pupils, but as it later mentions GCSE results I'm going to assume it's a secondary school. I don't know about anyone else, but I found secondary school hard at times because it was a real period of upheaval. Things happen in people's lives, and it is foolish to just dismiss them. "No excuses culture"? "We don't care what background you're from"? We're suddenly running into another worrying theme here - you don't fail. Failing is for losers, so forget about where you're from or what's going on, you pass, yeah? You fail, we don't want to know you.

But that's also bollocks. I've failed - too many times to remember. Lots of people fail things. Ever seen that Nike advert with Michael Jordan in, when he talks about how often he's failed in life? Nobody is perfect, and perhaps this is the right time to once again enquire how many times it took Michael Gove to pass his driving test. "No excuses culture"? So the kid who can't concentrate because he has ADHD - what happens to him? Rejected? The kid who comes from the broken home - because his father walked out on him and his mother- who lives on an estate where the police are round every night? Gonna despise him because his mother who works two part-time jobs to make ends meet can't afford to send him on an educational trip abroad? How about the kid whose mother has just died from cancer? He fails a Geography exam four days after her funeral - oops, sorry! No excuses here!

I promised myself I wouldn't get angry over this but I am, because two of those three examples are based on real people - people I went to school with, and it sickens me to think that they'd be branded as hopeless failures because that small thing called "life" got in their way sometimes.

The article is really long so I'm not going to analyse it in full. Let's fast-forward a bit...

The new chief inspector of schools, who took up his post this month, certainly inspires strong emotions. The education secretary, Michael Gove, has described him as a "hero"

Yay!

Wilshaw has not set out to endear himself to teachers. Even before officially taking up his Ofsted post, he made a speech in which he said that in future a "satisfactory" rating by inspectors should be viewed as unsatisfactory, and that Ofsted should look at whether heads were being too generous to failing teachers when allocating performance-related pay.

'Well done Mr Jones, that's a rating of "satisfactory"....except that means "unsatisfactory". Yes, sorry Mr Jones, we can't find anything wrong with your teaching in particular, everything seems fine, yet that now means you aren't good enough and you totally suck, your pay is being docked and you are the weakest link goodbye!'

Here's the best bit folks.

A good head would never be loved by his or her staff, he added: "If anyone says to you that 'staff morale is at an all-time low' you know you are doing something right."

How many times have I looked at that quote today? Possibly about fifteen times, and it still baffles and fascinates me in equal measures. Unless I'm reading it horribly wrong, Mr Wilshaw is suggesting that an "all-time low" level of staff morale is a good thing - "you are doing something right."

Hmm. Well, let's follow this one through.

The teachers in a school aren't happy. They don't like the new headmaster because he's introduced a climate of fear, hostility and unnecessary competition. Remember, under this guy's Ofsted, "satisfactory" is now BAD so teachers must strive to be the best, goddamnit we want results! I've been told by a former teacher that a staff room is a funny place as it is - where bitchiness, mutual dislike and jealously prevail - but now it's going to get worse. These people are no longer colleagues, they are now competitors. Lots of experienced, reliable and GOOD teachers can't be bothered with the hassle, so they leave after being tapped up by a private school twenty miles down the road, and are replaced by wide eyed yuppies straight out of teaching school. Some are good - let's not presume otherwise - but some aren't. Parents and students aren't happy - where did all the good teachers who knew the place inside out go? Some teachers can't cope with the increasingly hostile environment, so go off work because of stress - quick, we need some supply teachers who are notoriously bad brought in to help us out! The school gets the worst Ofsted rating they've received since 1974, parents aren't happy, board of governors aren't happy, local education authorities aren't happy = more stress and a heavier burden on teachers = the rolling stone of decline starts on its journey = staff morale at "an all-time low". Still, sounds great!

If all that sounds a tad melodramatic, you are probably right. So how about this real life example for you. My secondary school was excellent. Well respected and liked headmaster, very good teachers, healthy Ofsted reports. Headteacher left and was replaced by a man that most of the staff (I'm going on word of mouth here) didn't like. The good teachers all left, within five years the school was branded a "failing school" and the last I heard is that it's going to be knocked down and the students will be shipped off somewhere else as the school gets incorporated into another to make a "faith academy". Good stuff! Still, I imagine staff morale is pretty low right now so that's okay.

The reaction from teachers has been predictable: one internet poster compared Wilshaw to a South American dictator. "The lunatics have taken over the asylum," remarked another.

It's almost as if teachers understand teaching.

"Little things like insistence on uniform, pupils standing up when the teacher walks into the room are all important in giving structure to children's lives," he says. "We have a very long teaching day for some children – if they are falling behind we keep them back at the end of the day so that they can improve their qualifications."

Wrong again Wilshaw!

My brother is eight years old. His literacy, comprehension and reading abilities are extraordinarily good for a child his age, apparently, and an educational pyschologist told us that she's never encountered a child like him before. However, his maths isn't very good. He may have dyscalculia, and he really needs help with his maths because he struggles. At the moment, his school have provided him with a qualified person trained in all of this stuff to come in once/twice a week and help him, and his headmistress works with him in an isolated environment as well. That's all appreciated, and it is helping. But what if they decided to do those individual sessions after school?

He's tired, he's seeing his friends leave and off to kick a football around somewhere, he's hungry because lunch was three hours ago, he's not sure why he's been asked to stay behind because for the past god knows how many years he's been told that staying after school was a punishment, called "detention". But my brother hasn't been bad, he just struggles at a particular subject. So whilst he's thinking that this is unfair, and the teacher is thinking "I've got marking to do, plan tomorrow's lessons and get ready for parents evening on Thursday, why is this kid still here now?" he just gives up. He can't be bothered, and he wants to go home. Productive?

One final thing on that bit - I'm all for the first half of that sentence. No problem with uniforms and being respectful towards teachers and headmasters. We had that at my school and it didn't do us any harm. Just the way these things are addressed in this article seems scarily sinister - as Vole alludes to, very "Demon Headmaster"-esque.

There's no disputing that the strategy has paid off in terms of exam results. Eight out of 10 gained five or more A*-C grades at GCSE including English and maths last year –well above average. This year, 10 have been offered places at Cambridge.

Yet suspicions abound – could Mossbourne be attracting brighter pupils than other local schools? Certainly the academy has a wide catchment area, so it is likely to gain applicants from motivated families – currently 60% of its pupils come from within a kilometre of the school and 40% from further away.

Living where I do, this is very familiar. The school near me, Thomas Telford, takes in all the academically bright students in the area - usually white from affluent families - gives them all a laptop and incredible facilities and then boasts that its exam pass rate is excellent. Funny that.

While Mossbourne may look like a school with a tough pupil population, five minutes in George Green's says it isn't. A small batallion of helpers in red jumpers nurtures and cajoles the pupils here.

"I feel very intimidated by this government, and I'm not a woman who's easily intimidated," she says. "I don't think they understand what we're up against, and I don't think they want to.

I find it difficult to believe that a Government made up of multi-millionaires are either out of touch or don't give a shit.

Conversations with leaders in the world of education about the new chief inspector of schools are revealing. A real sense of anger is mounting, yet most aren't quite ready to express it publicly yet.

Chris Keates, general secretary of the National Association of Schoolmasters Union of Women Teachers, couches her remarks in broad political terms – she's due to have her first official meeting with Wilshaw later this week. After all, she says, chief inspectors never have easy relations with the teaching profession, nor should they. But she adds that last week's announcement of an immediate inspection of Downhills, a Haringey primary school the government wants to force into academy status, leads to suspicion that Ofsted is now a political weapon.

I think I've read enough. I thought that idiot boy Gove was bad enough, but this article has made me fearful about the future of Ofsted, their motivations and their accountability. I'll be out of (higher) education soon, fingers crossed, but my brother has a long way to go yet, and I worry for him.

The Great Big New Year Blog Entry (NWS)

2011-12-31T10:33:00.000Z

You want a really shoddy, pathetic, basic and ill-thought out review of the year? Of course you do! And who better to give it to you than me, Mr Ewar Woowar!

(I criticised someone yesterday for starting a sentence with the word "And" and then I go and write that. Ha.)

Anyway, Letsby Avenue!

Man of the Year - Jeremy Clarkson

We have a lot to thank Maggie T for, you know, particularly when it came to the bully boy trade unions. Oh yes, they didn't like it when she crushed them under her stiletto, did they? Poor old Ricky Tomlinson and the like soon realised that whacking people with baseball bats wasn't going to change a thing with The Iron Lady in charge!

Ahem. Sadly Maggie is no longer with us - she isn't dead (yet) just conveniently out of the way - and the trade unions have slithered their way back into prominence. Have they changed? One look at Bob Crow - genuinely one of the worst people of all time - should give you your answer. But fear not! Because finally there is resistance, and it comes in the form of my god. My deity. The saviour of the BBC. CLARKSON.

It takes a real man to announce, live on TV, that people on strike should be shot in front of their families. It takes a real man to attach a toilet to his vehicle whilst driving around India, in preparation of the dreaded "Delhi Belly". It takes a real man to say words like "torque", "revs" and "grrrrrrrr".

O Clarkson! My Clarkson!

Woman of the Year - Liz Jones

A horrible woman, a mentally ill woman, or a fantastic comedy creation that has us all fooled? The Daily Mail's Liz Jones could be any of those things, and in 2011 she ramped up her game to an impressive level. Every week there seemed to be yet another astonishing and bewildering column from Liz, but two in particular really stand out. Firstly, her piece on Joanna Yeates's murder will live long in the memory, especially the section where she takes time to break away from the horror of the crime committed and complain that the veggie burger (FFS) she ordered in the bar Joanna was in the night of her death came "without the burger - and without the bun!"

Secondly, who can forget her vivid description of going into her bathroom and "sperm-stealing" from her partner? Wonderfully candid and honest, you have to admire Liz for her forthright views, her sincerity and her magnificence. Why aren't more journalists like her, you wonder?

Band of the Year - Westlife

For having the guts to call it quits. We'll miss you boys.

Record of the Year - "Good Feeling" by Massa Chussetts

I genuinely think that's the only record I've heard this year. When is Elvis coming back, FFS? I'm bored of all this shit modern stuff.

Quote of the Year - Mohamed Al Fayed

"Football fans love it. If some stupid fans don't understand and appreciate such a gift, they can go to hell."

Yer man Al Fayed on erecting a Michael Jackson statue at a football ground. Seriously.

Sportsperson of the Year - Novak Djokovic

Finally, the Serb ditched the japes and the impressions, realising instead that whilst the comedy can wait, the tennis couldn't. Before he got hurt, Novak dominated, winning three out of the four grand slam events and losing a handful of games all year long. Outstanding.

TV Moment of the Year - Adrian Lewis's 9-darter in the World Championship Final

Immense, immense dartistry.

Worst TV Show of the Year - Big Brother

Kill it now, please.

Sorry To See You Leave Us In 2011

Gary Speed
John Barry
Gerry Rafferty
Dean Richards
Eric Parsons
Elizabeth Taylor
John Sullivan
Elisabeth Sladen
Terry Jenner
Christopher Hitchens
Dan Wheldon
Amy Winehouse
Sir Jimmy Savile
Steve Jobs
Nick Clegg's political career

Best Advert of 2011 - John Lewis

Love it? Hate it? Doesn't matter. You know what it is, so it's a huge success.

Chump of the Year - Nick Clegg

Byeeee!

Most Pointless Letter Writer of the Year - Val Duncan

More EU-bashing to come in 2012, you fear.

Best Photo of the Year - Jawad Laouira

Congratulations to Jawad for this very impressive photograph. The perspective, the shades of light and dark, the calming background - everything about it is simply splendid:

http://lockerz.com/s/162604138

Blog of the Year - Cynical Ben

For the second time, Cynical Ben wins the accolade for my favourite blog of the year. "Who the fudge is Benjamin Judge" is a triumph, even if it is WordPress. I feel 2012 could be an exciting year for The Cynical One.

Twat of the Year - Nick Clegg

Yes.

Football Moment of the Year - #19

Goal of the Year - Wayne Rooney

Hottie of the Year - Kate Upton

UK News Story of the Year - Murdoch/Millie Dowler/Phone Hacking etc

The Leveson Enquiry is strangely addictive viewing.

Man Most Nervous About 2012 - Nicholas Sarzoky

Or is it David Cameron?!

Film of the Year - Moneyball

Not seen it, but it's a film about the second best sports book of all time, and apparently it's great, so that's amazing and cool.

2012 Resolution - Kick start "Project Renford", get my own personal website up and running

Farewell, then, 2011. It's been emotional.

Das Boots

2011-12-23T13:20:00.002Z

It's hard to believe, typing this today as the rain absolutely shnozzes it down outside, but the past few days I've taken advantage of the mild weather and gone out walking. As I've got nothing else to blog about, here's a few pics of my adventures. I've cheated - one or two of these pics were taken a few months back and I'll tell you which ones they are - but the rest were taken on two really nice days in late December, a statement I never thought I'd write.

(Clicking on the pictures will make them a bit bigger and easier to make out, hopefully)

The stone that greets you as you enter the quarry between The Ercall and The Wrekin. There is a poem engraved onto it, but it doesn't rhyme so naturally it's shit.

A plague about 2/3 of the way up the quarry. You wouldn't know it if you've never heard of caching, but this plaque is an "Earth cache". You can find out more about those at www.geocaching.com

This is the view from the plaque. In the distance you can see The Wrekin which I would be trekking up the next day.

The top of The Wrekin, looking towards the south and Ironbridge.

What I love most about the views at the summit are how they represent the different ages. Look one way on a clear day and you can see some of the Cambrian mountains, a stark reminder of just how old Earth is and how beautiful it can be. Look another way, and there's Shrewsbury - a market town with windy lanes and wooden houses, an important place for commercialism in the Middle Ages. To the south, there's the furnaces of Ironbridge, the birthplace of the Industrial Revolution. One final turn of the head and you see Telford town centre - a new town which boasts tall glass buildings hiving with people wearing suits and working for private businesses.

There's something really powerful about slowly making a 360 turn and taking in those different views. When I do I wonder what a person 500 years in the future will be looking at when standing in the same place.

Two pictures of the terrain at the top of The Wrekin. There's a conventional path to follow, but if caching sometimes a little "off roading" is needed. There is a cache buried down a hole near the rocks in the first picture.

The Toposcope at the summit of The Wrekin. These two pictures were taken a few months ago.

Hunting another cache I thought I would take a quick picture of the summit from a bit further away. The dark thing in the middle is the toposcope, the thing in the air just to its right is a crow which was flying around all the time I was up there generally making a nuisance of itself.

Final picture, and I've deliberately left this one till last. This is a bush about 2/3 of the way up The Wrekin in which someone has placed a bouquet of flowers. Why? There's no note, no plaque, nothing to suggest any motive whatsoever for doing so. The writer in me finds that fascinating - you can get 10 short stories out of that picture, I think.

I know nothing about flowers so maybe what type they are signifies something - anyone know? The obvious guess is a remembrance of someone who passed away in that location but I guess we'll never know.

It's still pouring with rain here. The shopping and the gift buying is done, all I have to do now is wrap and then eagerly await all the food/celebrations/sport we enjoy over these next few days. I'll be back just before 2012 with a round-up of the year or something but for now I'll leave you with this:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Ken Dodd's Dad's Dog

2011-12-04T22:36:00.000Z

Getting a dog proved to be a bit of a rigmarole, truth be told. It was 1998, and though we already had a cat, my parents decided that what the household really needed was a puppy. So, one day when I was at school, off they trundled to the nearby Dogs Trust (called the NCDL back then) re-homing centre and picked the one they wanted. They couldn't take her home, mind. What followed was a lengthy process that involved people checking out our garden, our house, our family and our sanity before we were finally able to bring her home and add one to the family. Even then, she wasn't allowed to walk out on pavements for the first week or so, for reasons I'm still not entirely sure of.

She's not able to give us her life story - she's a dog - so all we know about her past is what the NCDL people told us, and that might be one tall tale. Nevertheless, they told us that she belonged to a farmer based somewhere in North Wales, until he realised that she wouldn't be suitable for a farmers dog, so he promptly dumped her on some mountains somewhere and left her to die. Fortunately she was found by someone before she froze to death and was taken to the re-homing people. That's the line I've always been given anyway - quite how she went from North Wales to the NCDL place in West Sussex is anyone's guess, to be honest.

But whatever her past, she ended up with us, and the past 13 years round our gaff have been accompanied by barking, whining, begging for food and loose bowels - those last two attributed to me, admittedly. Sadly though, very soon that's all about to change, because the dog is old. The dog is on her last legs. The dog, alas, is almost out of time. The first notable sign of decline came about a year ago, when we noticed that one of her eyes had gone a bit cloudy. Since then, they've both deteriorated - she has cataracts, and the vet told us she's pretty much blind now. The second sign came at the end of a walk one day, when her back legs suddenly gave way beneath her and she struggled to scramble back upright. The third sign was the tumour.

It's awfully difficult to know what to do. The tumour is the main issue - it's the size of a tennis ball, and with it hanging down under her her mobility is severely restricted - not to mention that she has arthritis and her back legs are now very weak. She's fallen down the stairs a few times, and most nights one of us has to pick her up and carry her as she can't climb them any more. As mentioned earlier, her eyes are going/gone, and she spends most of the day sleeping. All of which leads us to one conclusion, except...

She walked three miles the other day. I don't know how - at one point I didn't think she was going to make it - but she did, even if she just plodded several paces behind us. She still barks like crazy at anyone at the door, still begs for food - though she can't jump up any more - and can still chase after next door's cat at an impressive rate. She still eats very well, and whilst her bowels have never been the greatest she's not incontinent. She certainly hasn't given up on life, of that we're sure, and we're pretty confident that she's not in any pain. There's no evidence to say she is. The last time we took her to the vets, he told us that the tumour is probably cancerous, but finding out would mean anaesthetic, and she certainly wouldn't survive that.

So what do you do? The first sign that she's in pain, the decision is made, but right now that's not a factor. From a purely selfish point of view, we don't want to make that trip to the vets over the Christmas period - although we will if we have to - and there's no reason to say goodbye just yet. But deep down, we know it's coming. It's 50/50 whether she'll see this Christmas, 0/100 that she'll see the next. I'm prepared for it, although the sadness will be inescapable, as will the puzzlement when the doorbell rings and there's no sound or no running to the door. I'm just hoping that she goes in her sleep, peacefully and at home.

I've never taken a photo of the dog, so the other day I went into the lounge with my phone and looked at her. She was sleeping, her tumour sticking out a mile, and I realised I couldn't do it - I couldn't take a photo of her like that. I've always thought that when I "grow up" I would like a dog - a big, cuddly, immensely loyal thing - but now I'm not so sure. They break your heart, pets.

We Need To Talk About Stan

2011-11-28T01:17:00.000Z

If there's one thing I like, it's a routine. I don't mean a dance routine - although I like it when 'Diversity' chuck the little kid with the mad hair around, I can't lie - I mean a routine which makes my life have a bit of a structure to it. My main routine comes in the morning. Upon waking, I stretch my arm up to my bookcase and grab my phone. With bleary eyes, I first check my emails, then I load up my Twitter app and scroll through the tweets that I've missed whilst slumbering. After I've caught up on the news, it's downstairs for a cup of tea (milk, no sugar - I'm sweet enough) and some toast (usually only with butter on but if I'm feeling daring then Bovril) before I head to the bathroom. I can't shower in silence, so it's either talkSPORT if I'm in a "talky" mood or Classic Gold if I'm in a music mood. After that, I....

Sorry. Not interesting, is it? I don't find it fascinating either, but I'm telling you about my morning routine for two reasons - firstly, the Twitter catchup alerted me to Stan Collymore's fascinating and emotive tweet this morning, and secondly because a counsellor once stressed to me the importance of a strong and basic morning routine. I saw a counsellor - and last year attended group therapy - because since 2008 I've had an on/off battle with mental illness. I did write about this subject once on here, only to delete the post a short time later. In an unlikely turn of events, Stan Collymore has inspired me to tackle it again.

He's a funny fellow is our Stanley Victor. I don't agree with everything he says, and some of his actions in the past have been inexcusable (even if I might cheekily add that if any woman needed a slap, it was Ulrika) but his frank honesty in documenting his depression scored many points with me. "Attention seeking" some people have claimed, but they're wrong - they're wrong because being in a similar position (albeit nowhere near as extreme) I know how hard it is to talk about these things truthfully and directly. I also believe that exposure of and awareness about mental health is a very important thing. The stigma is still there, and it's still large.

(At this moment, I need to break off the blog to tell you that everything you just read, I wrote on Saturday evening. It is now Sunday evening, and the tragic, awful death of Gary Speed is very much on my mind. What caused Speed to do what he did? At this moment, we don't know, so whilst the depression aspect is rumoured, it is only that - a rumour. I'm going to focus this blog on Stan Collymore, but whilst I don't mention him, Gary Speed is not far from my mind)

I don't know why I began to feel anxious, but I know when it started. 2008 was a tough, life changing year for me, and one I haven't forgotten easily. Since then, I've been battling Anxiety. It isn't much fun. At times - the worst times - its been crippling. You over-analyse everything, to the extent that a walk down to the local shop is an ordeal, a long car journey is dreaded. Right now, I'm coping okay. I've educated myself about Anxiety, a tactic Lance Armstrong felt was helpful when he had cancer and one I was determined to employ. Owning books, using websites and talking to professionals has really helped. It's given me insight, an understanding about the illness, and also defence mechanisms which I can use. It's still a battle, and I wonder whether it can fully be beaten, but I'm in a lot better shape than I was about 18 months ago.

There might be some people who know me quite well who feel shocked reading this. They didn't know. I haven't told them. Partly that's because I don't want to make a fuss, partly it's because I don't want friends or family to treat me like I'm mad or somehow a different person, but mainly because talking about mental health is fucking difficult. Many times I've stood outside the office door of a lecturer at university. I can see they're in, and I'm going to go in and talk to them, but I never open the door. Maybe one day.

How does it feel? Perhaps it's best if I tell you how it doesn't feel. How it doesn't feel is what Stan Collymore and many others are going through right at this moment. I will link Stan's tweet for those who haven't read it at the bottom of this blog entry. It is sobering stuff, and thankfully an experience which - touch wood - I'm a million miles away from. Sleeping for 18 hours? Not seeing sunlight for a week? Going to the bathroom a difficult experience? I can't even begin to imagine any of that. Anxiety is closely linked with Depression - both mental health issues, medication for Anxiety comes in the form of anti-depressants, and I notice Stan mentions how initially he felt anxious - but I find it as difficult to see the world through the eyes of a manic depressive as you do.

I mention the word "stigma" a few times, and there is still an ignorance over mental illness, but how do you change that? What is it going to take? Who will it take to stand up in the public eye and make perceptions change? I'm currently looking at a list of people who suffered with Depression. It's a "Who's Who" of famous people - a long list of fabulously talented, clever, funny, smart and good people. Buzz Aldrin, Woody Allen, William Blake, Frank Bruno, Winston Churchill, Charles Dickens, John Kirwan, Hugh Laurie, David Foster Wallace and SO MANY more. These people aren't weak and they aren't failures. Fancy telling Neil Lennon to "man up"?

Yet I don't have the answers. I don't know how the mental health stigma will ever be eradicated. I wish I did. What I do know however is this - awareness helps. Exposure helps. Whilst my experiences are nothing compared to Stan Collymore's and others, his honesty made me write this blog post. And whilst it's sprawling and not the most polished piece of writing I've ever slammed down, it might just be the one I'm most proud of.

http://www.twitlonger.com/show/ecoqm1

The (Un)Official 2011 Children in Need Live-Blog

2011-11-18T13:45:00.083Z

13:30 Hello! I'm Ewar, and from 19:30 my good self and a few others will be live-blogging this year's "Children in Need" for you - that annual shitfest that the Beeb forces upon us every November.

Before we start though, here's the important stuff:

Official site http://www.bbc.co.uk/pudsey/

To donate http://www.bbc.co.uk/pudsey/donate/

Official Children in Need online auction http://stores.ebay.co.uk/bbc-children-in-need/_i.html?rt=nc&LH_Auction=1

Information about Children in Need http://www.bbc.co.uk/pudsey/aboutus/

Song recorded by Duncan Buchanan & Leeann Davis http://duncanbuchanan.bandcamp.com/album/street-scene (Minimum 50p download, 100% of money raised goes to Children in Need)

13:47 Truthfully? I'm not very well, friends. I have succumbed to manflu, which is rather inconvenient and annoying. Thankfully, earlier on in the week I wisely recruited a few pals to help me out tonight. So, if I've got this right - and obviously that's a big "if" - tonight's line-up should look something like this:

19:30-20:00 Me (@Bruno_Di_Gradi)
20:00-21:00 James/Jim/Scruff (@Scruff365)
21:00-22:00 Stephen Fry (@stephenfry)

No, wait...Stephen Fry didn't reply, did he? Bastard.

21:00-22:00 Me again (@Bruno_Di_Gradi)
22:00-23:00 Paul and perhaps his very lovely better half (@PaulMooreEsq)
23:00-Until I get bored Me once again

14:02 How to read a live-blog? It's easy! Keep this blog entry open, give it a refresh (F5) every 10-20 minutes and scroll down for up-to-date thoughts, musings, opinions, bile etc.

Got something funny to say? Either leave a comment (at the bottom) or tweet me at @Bruno_Di_Gradi and if I'm around I'll get your tweet put up on here.

16:21 I think that's everything for now. Time to wait patiently for 19:30 to come around and the show to start....

19:27 Still not feeling very well, but I've got a feeling that some videos shown tonight will make my moaning seem a tad silly. So, man up, Ewar. With clear eyes and full hearts, here we go...

19:30 Sir Terrence of Wogan as I live and breathe!

19:31 It's Tess Daly, Alesha Dixon and Fearne Cotton! Calm down Terry! Reminds me though, who else misses Gaby Roslin?

Just me? Cool.

19:33 First performance of the night and it's five little scrotes, I didn't catch their name. Think it was something like "Wand Erection". Is that Rory McIlroy?

19:37 "Every penny gets spent here in the United Kingdom". Thanks Alesha! I can happily donate now, knowing that some dirty foreigner won't be getting his grubby hands on our charity!

19:42 I've never seen 'The Wizard of Oz' yet seem to know all of the songs from it. Odd.

19:47 Ooh that was a very "eggy" moment as Paul Hawksbee likes to say. I like those - moments when the conversation suddenly gets a bit stilted and awkward. Normally seems to involve Sir Tezza as well.

19:55 Twenty five minutes in and we've gone regional for the first time tonight. What are you seeing right now? I'm seeing the lovely Joanne Malin and Pudsey the Bear. Ooh, Joanne just mispronounced 'Lyreco' as 'Lie-reco'. Schoolgirl error tbf.

19:56 Anyway, I'm off for a cup of tea, a paracetamol and the darts on Sky Sports One. No way I'm watching this shit all night!

Jim/James/Scruff? Over to you....hopefully...

===================================================

19:58 Hello! Jim here. Not James. Only my Mum calls me James. And 'the reason I didn't live my life the way I wanted to'. I'm here for an hour of this shouty lunacy.

20:02 Jesus. Carlos Tevez has earned more than that while this has been on.

20:04 It's seriously a matter of time until the newsreaders have to do a live sex show. This gets worse every year. It's amazing to see where gravitas goes when it dies.

20:08 The male nipple count for this evening is now at one. Repeat. One male nipple. Whereabouts of the other unconfirmed.

20:10 RIPPON! WE HAVE RIPPON!

20:16 Is the competitive element of Strictly really necessary at a charity event? They - oh that's bullshit! This is a fix!

20:20 That was a very sad, but very uplifting film. However, all things considered, I can't be the only one who's glad Zoe Ball is still so very, very attractive. In that jumper she was like a sexy wasp.

20:24 I do not want to see this man's sonic screwdriver. I do not want this to happen.

20:30 This is like a painfully middle class Sister Act. With a white, male Whoopi Goldberg. In double denim.

20:35 The Yard is basically how southerners viewed Byker Grove.

20:37 OH GOD. DEACTIVATE THE CHILDREN. THIS ENDEAVOUR HAS NOT SUCCEEDED.

20:42 Wogan was here before you, Dixon, and he will be here long after you are gone.

20:44 "What would fund raising be without a bit of hair removal?" Ah yes, the age old question.

20:49 Little known fact: Tess Daly is the Princess of Derbyshire.

20:52 Ben Dover is the father of one of those children. The things I have seen his Dad do in kitchens.

20:56 Nick Knowles' face is getting less craggy. Is he having botox or many, many pies?

20:59 I leave this lunacy now to go to the pub. I escape moments before JessieJ and Matt Cardle arrive OH NO THEY'RE TALKING I HAVE TO GO BYE. JIM.X

===================================================

21:01 Great work Jim, thank you! It's back to me again I'm afraid folks. Y'alright?

21:04 It seems I missed Susanna Reid a bit earlier on. Oh Susanna....Susanna Susanna. Words cannot express what I'd give up for you, my sweet.

21:05 I miss Susanna and instead get Gok Wan. Oh, life. Stop it.

21:07 Does anyone know if Gok is straight or not? Can't quite tell based on this.

21:15 Ah, it's the obligatory EastEnders cast prancing about to the obligatory Queen record. I HATE Queen. Despise them. I'm missing Phil Taylor vs Wes Newton for this FFS.

21:17 What next? I'll have a wild guess - "I Want to Break Free", men in drag, probably Ian Beale.....yes, there we are. Wonderful.

21:27 Hoorah! It's THE MUPPETS! Remember that awful tune they had on the 'BN' adverts? They're doing that, complete with celebrities making dicks out of themselves. It's strangely endearing.

21:39 After a rather sobering film, we're back live with SuBo! She's covering Depeche Mode's "Enjoy the Silence" I think, and it's not very good. Having said that, I'd bang at least one of the backing singers, so, there's that.

What?

21:41 SuBo finishes, and the crowd goes mild!

21:42 Obligatory 'Dragons Den' bit. Oh it's all so predictable.

21:44 Sir Alan Sugar in the Den. It's not very good, though I did enjoy the line where he confused that new weird woman with James Caan. Was alright.

21:46 "Everyone in this room is someone that I hate. Pop Cowell in there and lock them away forever" - @PBC13

21:53 Here we go with the official Children in Need song! They've taken the classic 'Teardrop' and added some yo yo brizzle innit yoof speak bruv. Tulisa from N Dubz is there! But we can't hear her. Microphone fail!

21:55 I don't know who these people are.

21:59 Bemused. That was a load of shit. Anyway, here's Paul!

===================================================

22:00 Evening all, I apologise for the next hour. I've decided that Children In Need has to be viewed through alcohol.

22:01 You've got to hand it to Debra Stevenson & Jon Culshaw, their impressions are amazing. This sketch is a bit short on gags mind you.

22:04 Ahh, #cin now on BBC2.

22:06 Seems a bit off talking about kids who are hungry because of poverty when theres tumbling Smarties behind Terrys shoulder.

22:08 Probably a bit flippant before, watching this is heart breaking. Can't believe that there are kids who are going without food. However, I notice the kid has the latest Chelsea shirt and Dads playing on the PS3. Something wrong here.

22:12 It's Fearne Cotton time. Seems a little uncomfortable between the two of them. Perhaps Tezza thinks like the rest of us?

22:15 Clare from Steps in a medium phase at the moment... It could go either way. My money is on comfort eating though.

22:18 This is quite painful isn't it? I don't know why they do Children In Need specials of panel shows. They're always absolutely awful.

22:19 Anyone want a top up of whisky? Trust me, it dulls the pain.

22:23 Noel Fielding delivers the first laugh out loud gag of the night. Pudsey is a benefit cheat. I'm sure if you ring up Children In Need they'll give you a refund.

22:28 In Havant they've been selling some of Pudsey's Special Sauce. Is that like the "special sauce" you get on a dodgy takeaway?

22:29 Serious bit. Concentrate.

22:32 KPC? More like KFC looking at the size of her!

22:34 Are all the female presenters tonight sponsored by Bacofoil?

22:35 Ed Sheeran isn't uber-talented Terry, he's uber-dull. And ginger. Pop stars are not ginger. Ever.

22:35 In light of the Blatter thing this week, can I offer a handshake to all gingers reading this?

22:35 We good carrot tops?

22:39 JLS .... oh yes! (Mrs Buxton very happy)

22:50 'Forget You'......that's not a difficult task with the Hollyjokes cast.

22:51 Those spots behind Sir Tel are mesmerising ... it's like watching a huge lava lamp.

22:57 As a parent this scares me to death. I know its easy to laugh at Children In Need, but stories like this are heart breaking. You never expect to bury your own child. Where do you go from there in your life? Even if its a quid, try and give something to CiN. Support services like this need to be supplied by our governments but they're not.

23:00 Right! Thats me done. Hope you've enjoyed the last hour as much as me. Back to the boss!

===================================================

23:08 Great stuff Paul! Splendid work.

23:09 Feeling insanely tired as well as rough so whilst this nonsense goes on till 02:00, this blog will be finishing soon. Think I'll stick around for The Saturdays so I can have a good old perve over Mollie and then finish up.

Wait, what?

23:16 On a serious note, over 400 readers on this here blog today (at the time of writing). Normally takes me a fortnight to get that many! Thanks I love you all x

23:20 Olly Murs has a very strange head. I think it's that his forehead isn't quite in proportion.

23:34 Disaster! On two different counts! Firstly, my computer just took a funny turn and froze over, and secondly my head has got worse. You know that twat down at Portsmouth FC who constantly rings a bell during their matches? It's like that in my head right now, and it hurts.

23:38 Annoyingly, when my computer was on the blink there was an AMAZING performance by Steps, who have somehow managed to be as annoying second time around as they were in their pomp. Aside from Claire's discovery of pies, they haven't changed much.

23:40 THE SATS OMFG!!

23:51 Russell Howard and his mad eyes signals that perhaps it is time for me to go and get some rest.

It's been an emotional night my friends. Thanks to Jim and Paul for helping out so ably, and thank you to all of you who have read this nonsense - either all of it or just bits and pieces.

Goodnight, good luck, and may your God go with you.

NaNoWriMo? NoNoNoNo!

2011-11-02T12:57:00.000Z

NaNoWriMo has been around for a few years now, but I'll wager that at least one person reading this is unaware of it and wondering what the hell that assortment of letters has got to do with anything. Its basic concept is a very simple one however - in the thirty days of November, you write a 50,000 word novel. Once you're done, you submit it, and then everyone cheers and gives you a certificate you print out or god knows what. Sorry, haven't got that far with it, so I may be underselling it a tad, but it's the sense of achievement that makes it, I guess.

I've always resisted it, normally because by the time I've heard about it it's the 12th of November so too much time has passed, or it's March and November feels a lifetime away. But this year, for the first time, it was on my mind as we hurtled through the days and arrived at November 1st, so with a full heart and clear eyes I sat down and scribbled 2,100 words. Hurrah! "Only 48,000 to go!" the website told me. "Keep up your average of 1,500 a day and you'll do it!" it screamed. "Want to look at your overall completion percentage?!" it asked me, at which point I clicked "Help" and looked up how to delete my account.

(Deleting your account on there, by the way, is a right bastard. You have to e-mail them and give them info and all sorts. I gave up and simply logged out, never to return)

It's the 2nd of November now and I've had time overnight to think about this. I have several problems with NaNoWriMo, but it needed me to sign up and give it a go for me to fully realise them. First of all, it's not a bad idea. I think it's aimed at people who don't normally write - to give them confidence to just give it a go and to hell with the quality of it. That's fine, and I wouldn't necessarily stop anyone from attempting it. But, for me, I wasn't comfortable with that.

"Good writing is re-writing" is something I must have heard about fifty times in the past few years. And it's true, even for a non-pro like me. I ain't Ian McEwan, but no piece of fiction I've ever penned has stayed the same from the initial idea to the finished piece. With NaNoWriMo, you're asked to write - to write and not look back. I didn't feel there was any time for editing, for pondering over a sentence, for writing and re-writing and re-writing and re-writing a passage until it was just right. "Oh but you can edit later, you can go back and fiddle about with it after November!" you might think, but in which case why bother with NaNoWriMo at all? In that case, just write a novel! Write a novel without having to fret over the fact that you need to go shopping and drop a prescription in at the chemist but you've still got 436 words to write for the day. That's the thing that defeated me, I think - it's so restrictive. "How many words to go!" and "Let's look at your overall completion percentage so far!" just scared me. It made me feel like I was writing an essay, a thesis, an assignment, and that time was critical and it was all one big challenge. In short, NaNoWriMo, for me, sucked the fun out of writing. And when that happens, it becomes the most pointless thing on the planet.

The funny thing is, the words I did write weren't terrible. They weren't brilliant, either, and that bugged me - I've been taught to re-write until you submit your best work possible, and NaNoWriMo is the antithesis of that - but there's an idea there. I love the location I have, the main character needs a bit of tweaking but is usable, the story isn't a bad one. But it wasn't a novel, and 2,000 words in I was already padding bits out and inventing stuff on the fly just to bump up the word count. I won't delete what I wrote - I'll just shape it into something else. The shorter form of fiction is still my favourite, both for writing and reading. Jeffery Deaver once said about short stories that "all bets are off" and I knew exactly what he meant by that. They're a lot of fun to write.

So then. NaNoWriMo. Nice idea, but not for me.

Irritations

2011-10-27T11:13:00.001+01:00

The cliché is true, I guess. The older I get, the grumpier I get. So many little things that people do have, in recent years, began to needle away at me. And that's exactly what they are - little things - but I just can't help it. Oh, how I long for the days of the carefree and innocent Ewar! Alas, it is not to be - I'm too old, too cynical. So as I've got nothing else to blog about, here's a list of things - little things, of course - that are seriously irritating.

Once you've read my list, feel free to vent your spleen in the comments box below. Remember I get to choose which comments get published, mind, so any 'hilarious' "This blog irritates me lol" stuff will be swiftly discarded. You don't go attacking my baby! Talking of which...

BABY IN THE OFFICE - I worked for over two years in an office where I was the only man, a lonely child surrounded by (perfectly nice) middle aged women. As we employed about fifty people - the vast majority of which were also female - who traipsed their way into the office most days, I soon realised that the dreaded "Baby in the office" situation was always round the corner. Cooing, gurgling, farting, screaming, crying - and that was just me. Is there anything more annoying than having a stranger's baby waved in your face?

Maybe it's because I'm a man, so I'm not maternal and all of that guff, but it drove me insane. The mere thought of it happening in the future makes me reach for my stress ball. You can breed, well done, but I've got some timesheets to check so kindly sod off.

"SUBTLE" ADVERTISING - This is one where it's easier to show you, rather than tell you:

The song is passable, but it's the video which irritates me greatly - namely the bit between 1:20 and 1:30. Is there any need for such shameless advertising in a music video? No sir there is not!

THE APPRENTICE - Right now really isn't the time to teach young twattish upstarts that the way to succeed in business is to be jumped up selfish twerps obsessed with greed and deceit who will be quick to point the blame at anyone or anything as soon as things go "wrong". One massive wet dream for right-wingers presided over by a hairy cornflake who's technology is, as they say in the trade, "fucking shit".

THE YOUNG APPRENTICE - No. Just, no.

TARDINESS IN SHOPS - This is usually a female thing I'm afraid. You've gone into a shop and you've selected the goods you desire to purchase. You walk to the check-out where you join a queue. You queue for 3 minutes, and then when you get to the front of the queue...you start digging around in your handbag for your purse. WOMEN! Come on, you are better than this! If you are going to do this, perhaps try doing it when I'm not standing one place behind you in the line? Thanks.

BAD MANNERS - When I'm Supreme Leader - and I will be - anyone who is found spitting will be the first to be taken into camps. The same if you litter, if you eat with your mouth open, if you talk with your mouth full, if you have a loud conversation on your phone when sitting in a train carriage.

PEOPLE TRYING TO SELL ME THINGS - I know you're doing your job, and that's good, but if I've said "no" I mean it. Don't persist.

Ewar's handy tip! I've found lately that saying "I already have it" works really well with these guys. e.g. Man with tie: "Five minutes to talk to you about the new Sky+ HD service sir?" Me: "I already have it!" (continue walking)

PETROL STATION ETIQUETTE - Filled up your car? Good for you. Paid for the petrol? Good for you. Now, please, leave. Get out. Don't arse about with your glove compartment. Don't put your seatbelt on until you've reached a safe place on the foyer away from me. Consideration, people.

HAVING NOTHING TO BLOG ABOUT - As I've found these past few weeks. Irritating.

THE NATIONAL OBSESSION WITH PIPPA MIDDLETON - She is related to someone. She has a bottom. Good for her.

SALLY MORGAN - "Psychic"? I can think of other words, none of which I can type here as she seems the sort who'd like a good court case.

ITVs FOOTBALL COVERAGE - Clive Tyldesley, Gordon Strachan, Jim Beglin, Roy Keane. Can you imagine a bigger bunch of pricks? And that's not even taking into consideration the worst human being on the planet, my mortal enemy, Mr Peter "A GOAL FOR ALL OF AFRICA!" Drury. Monumental bell-end.

PEOPLE WHO DON'T WALK - Painfully common at university. What's that? You'd rather take the lift than walk one flight of stairs? Really?

DRAW/DRAWER - Please stop putting things in a "draw".

BOOTS ADVERTS - Perhaps we can have a Christmas without having to hear "Here Come the Girls" seventeen times a day every day?

QUESTION TIME'S OBSESSION WITH BARONESS WARSI - Awful, awful woman.

GOLF CLUB SNOBS - Goddamn phonies with their club jumpers and ties, shouting off about women in the clubhouse whilst reading The Daily Mail and leering at the barmaid. These people are invariably shit at the game despite professing to play twice a week every week.

(I should stop but I'm too angry to do so, so here's a few more)

PEOPLE WHO LEAVE THEIR BAGS ON THE SEAT NEXT TO THEM ON THE TRAIN - Scum. Sub-human scum.

ACCUMULATORS THAT FALL AT THE FIRST HURDLE - Dear betting gods. I know I'm not going to win. Just at least let me enjoy the tension of it going down to the final game or two? This is magnified a million times when it's the early 12:45 kick-off on a Saturday that screws it up.

PEOPLE WHO WRITE SHIT POETRY - Bet it doesn't even rhyme.

ALANIS MORISSETTE NOT UNDERSTANDING IRONY

HAVING TO GOOGLE THE CORRECT SPELLING OF ALANIS MORISSETTE'S SURNAME

WALKING TO THE TRAIN STATION ON A WET, COLD, DAMP AND DEPRESSING OCTOBER DAY - The worst on the list, by a mile.

Well, that was cathartic. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to walk to the train station on a wet, cold...

Meredith

2011-10-04T12:34:00.000+01:00

Morning. I'm filled up with Manflu today, so my writing won't be as sharp and spectacular as it usually is(?) so I apologise greatly for that.

Today's news is dominated by Amanda Knox and her former partner, Raffaele Sollecito, who have been released from prison and acquitted over the murder of student Meredith Kercher. As far as criminal cases go, this one is an absolute cracker. No matter how much I read about that night, I'm still completely undecided as to what actually happened. We're pretty certain that Rudy Guede murdered and sexually assaulted Meredith, but did he act alone? Were Knox and Sollecito involved, somehow? I get the feeling we'll never know, which drives me mad with frustration, but such is life.

Whether Knox/Sollecito are guilty or not guilty however, what has horrified me during this case is the realisation that if they ever got out - and of course we now know that they have - they would become celebrities. Famous. As I've mentioned before, I really loathe the word "famous", and Amanda Knox provides a decent example of why. Perhaps they deserve their freedom, but the thought of them raking in the dollars and living the high life greatly depresses me, even if they are innocent. Of course, Knox's rise to fame has been, and will be, aided and abetted by the media. I note with an awful lot of regret that Meredith Kercher's body wasn't even cold by the time the phrase "Foxy Knoxy" had entered our lexicon.

So we'll have the "EXCLUSIVE!" first interview - probably with that morally bankrupt slimeball Piers Moron - and then she'll release her book, which will naturally be a best-seller. A few more TV appearances, then once those cheques have been cashed it'll be some form of photo-shoot, possibly involving the nice people at Playboy Mansion. After that, the reality TV appearances must surely follow. I reckon she'd be a hit on 'Dancing With The Stars'! Cynical? Maybe I am, but I'd be surprised if Amanda Knox ended up working at her local Starbucks, or indeed anywhere else. I hope she proves me wrong.

Let me make it clear - I'm not blaming Knox for that, per se. If I was innocent - and for all we know she might be - I'd go along with it as well, because the temptation to set myself up for life would be too hard to turn down. Instead I blame the "celebrity culture" we've been dragged into, a world where someone accused of murder can write a best-selling book which says "I didn't do it" for 300 pages, a world where Katie Price is a multi-millionaire, a world where the likes of Chantelle Houghton are famous. Nothing would make me happier than shite like "Heat" magazine or "OK!" going out of business because people stopped caring that Cameron Diaz has a spot on her chin, Cheryl Cole is getting married and Ryan Giggs is having sex with a Russian waitress called Olga. Deep down though, we all know that's not going to happen any time soon, and that's a shame. In the case of Knox, it's the sheer shamelessness of it all that bugs me. She's a good looking white girl, but that shouldn't excuse the media frenzy that spins and whirls its way around her wherever she now goes. If she is innocent, she deserves her freedom and allowed to return back home to the US. But what if she isn't? And there's still very strong doubts about her actions that night. One to remember when you're queuing to buy her book.

Ranting about the media aside, there's a bigger issue here and one that saddens me. For all the talk of "Foxy Knoxy" et al, Meredith Kercher has been left behind, a bloodied corpse resigned to being an afterthought when Knox is on TV, sobbing over the hardship of an unjust jail sentence. Whether Amanda Knox has - literally - gotten away with murder, or whether she's as innocent as you or I am over this one, let us not forget the true victim of this horrific crime. We may not know who did it, or why, but we know what the result was. RIP Meredith. I hope and pray that you are never forgotten.

Gallimaufry

2011-09-13T16:45:00.000+01:00

Well, isn't this exciting? I haven't done one of these for a while...as the actress said to the bishop! Ooh pardon!

Ahem. Yes, gallimaufry time now, where I round up a few things I need to tell you and shepherd them all into one nice blog post so that we all know where we stand. Let us begin...

1) Are you interested in basketball? Probably not, but if you are, or perhaps you WANT to take an interest in the sport (particularly in terms of the European game) I recommend http://mp06.wordpress.com/ which is a well-written and informative site created by a Twitter friend. My only criticism of the site would be that it needs more pro-Kobe Bryant pieces, but you can't have everything. Please do check it out.

2) I have started to write film reviews for a website. This is hilarious, seeing as I hate every film ever made, but after sending one off they asked me to write some more so what the hell. It's something to put on the writing CV and it gets me writing so I'm happy enough. The site is http://moviemarker.co.uk/wp/ and the three pieces I have done so far will just be underneath this paragraph. If you decide to have a look, it takes about 0.5 seconds to click on the appropriate star and rate the film out of 5 (note - you rate the film, not my review, thankfully). I'd really appreciate it if you did that. Even though it doesn't change anything at my end, loads of votes makes me look good, and we all want that.

http://moviemarker.co.uk/wp/index.php/zombieland/
http://moviemarker.co.uk/wp/index.php/road-to-perdition/
http://moviemarker.co.uk/wp/index.php/raging-bull/

3) Look away now, Cynical Ben! Yes, it's a quick note about one of my favourite TV programmes - Come Dine With Me - which this past week focused on The Dark Place itself, Wolverhampton. One of the five contestants was Student Union legend Bally Singh, who claimed a well-deserved third place despite making beans on toast as his starter. The five episodes will be on 4OD and your catch-up boxes for a limited time if you wish to have a gander.

4) My "other" blog, Patrick's Myopic Musings, will not be long for the blogging world. I have set in motion its demise.

This is not because I am bored with it, or a lack of stuff to put on it, or that nobody was looking at it. The truth is, I've been thinking for a while now about creating my own personal website which would house my writings (fiction and non fiction) and various other stuff. I would really like to split up my internet use into two clear camps - professional and real life, and then silly anonymous-ish stuff like this blog or Twitter. Which is why linking you to movie reviews containing my real name from this blog immediately contravenes that idea, but I've always been a fucking idiot.

Regardless. If I create a website and put up my writing/bits and bobs on there, the fiction writing blog becomes irrelevant and redundant, sadly, so it is going. I really liked putting up other people's writing on there though, so I'll probably still carry on doing that on t'other place.

5) On the subject of writing, there's a short story competition running over at http://www.ruberybookaward.com/ which is being judged by the incomparable Paul McDonald. I'm currently writing an entry, which certainly won't win, but I'm aiming for 3rd place. Deadline is on the 30th, so if you want to enter, hurry up, yeah?

6) I'd like to take a moment to congratulate all the people reading this who have just graduated from The Dark Place University, an august institution if ever I encountered one. Life is tough for graduates right now, but good people will always muddle their way through. To all of you I simply say "Hat!" and wish you well for the future.

Until next time kids!

Letters Move On

2011-09-08T11:22:00.000+01:00

Enough claptrap about my life in the "real world". Let's go back to what the people want! Crazy letters!

=============================================================

I would like to join the rest of the population in expressing my disgust at teachers striking.

This letter is from July 12th, so apologies for glancing back to past events, but it's so distasteful, arrogant and wrong-headed that I can't bring myself to ignore it and bin it.

Anyway, yes. The WHOLE population was against the teachers who went on strike. Nice to see they concluded that without asking me for my opinion on the matter, but hey ho.

Teachers obviously think that they should be immune from the situation that a government they supported brought the nation to.

If you can't be bothered to read this letter, here it is so far, summarised for you:

1) Everyone in the country opposed the teachers strikes (including the teachers themselves!)
2) Every teacher in the country supports the same political party.

They obviously feel the children are a useful tool to blackmail parents into supporting their demands that the rest of the nation should fund their

"Gold-plated"?

overly generous

Rotter.

pensions. I resent the fact that I work seven days a week to pay for their pensions while being unable to afford a pension of any kind myself due to high taxes.

I want to interrupt this letter for a moment, if I may. Because if there's one thing that pisses me off, it's Piers Morgan. No, wait, aside from him - it's people thinking that teachers somehow have it easy. We've just had the summer holidays, and my seven year old brother got to stay at home for six weeks. By day three, I was just about ready to strangle him. The thought of having to put up with him, as well as about 25 others, 9-3 every weekday, without resorting to frying pans around the head, is absolutely mental. No way could I do it.

Secondary school kids aren't any better, when you take into account their rowdiness, their sullenness and their chewing gum which always gets stuck on the underside of a table. Of course, it's not just 9-3 either. There's homework to set/mark, parent evenings, staying behind to supervise a child in detention, even coping with the politics of the staff room. They do all of this whilst under huge pressure to get kids through their exams and set them on the right path, an Ofsted inspection always just days away. Be a teacher? Not on your nelly would I.

They deserve their holidays. They deserve their pensions. They deserve praise. They deserve respect.

Which is why this letter is fucking me off quite a considerable amount. But let us indulge it for a few moments longer...

Teachers and all other so-called public servants

3) Teachers do not serve the public.

need to join the real world. If you want a generous pension then purchase one and pay for it like the rest of us. You can strike until the cows come home as far as I am concerned and I hope the Government stands firm because if it does not then they will suffer at the ballot box.

Mike Montane
Wellington

You've made it onto my list. Well done.

============================================================

Close down Wootton Bassett, it has become too English and traditional - can't have anything English and traditional can we?

If you read my blog often, you'll know who this letter writer is. If you don't, the unsurprising answer will be at the bottom.

By the way, I really like the idea of something being "too English".

"Breaking news coming into us here on Sky Sports News....the FA have released a statement saying that the contract of England U-21 manager Stuart Pearce has been terminated. "The FA would like to thank Stuart for all of his hard work", they say in this statement, "but it became clear that Stuart's services were no longer suitable after he became just too English".

Is CamEUron scared

I give up. I literally do. This is just...I genuinely don't know what to say.

of letting the world see the dead bodies of our troops that leave blood on his and Clegg's hands? Try and hide it away in Worcestershire or anywhere

"Worcestershire or anywhere" is an amazing, amazing bit of writing.

and hope there is no place anyone can come and pay respects.

It's only just re-reading this letter now that I see Val - yes, it's Val Duncan, who else - says "close down Wooton Bassett". Val Duncan thinks a town has been closed down. I'd cry if I didn't laugh.

Send the dead down motorways or back roads then the world won't see our grief? Destroy our military and force us into the EU Military Force? This 'fake' Prime Minister

David Cameron is a fake. The real Prime Minister is locked in a cupboard somewhere. It's in such a secretive location that not even Gideon Osbourne knows where it is. But he knows WHO it is, and isn't it interesting how you don't hear much from Michael Heseltine any more, eh?

is adding grievances to a list of things the people (remember us?) are keeping count of and one day Major (Maastricht Treaty), Blair and Brown (Lisbon Treaty) and Cameron and Clegg (Destroyers of our defences) will all stand in court to answer for their treason. The list grows longer and longer and the people (remember us?)

You've done that one.

are feeling more and more angry with the social engineering of our population, the wrecking of our economy and the insidious intrusion of the EU. Something will give and woe betide Westminster and those politicians and civil servants who are complicit in the destruction of our country. We will have revenge without mercy unless we are taken out of the insidious

You've done that one.

EU and given our own laws and liberties again.

This is vintage Val Duncan. Take it in, and enjoy. You'll miss this when she's gone.

We are a peaceful and just people, but we will not be sold to a foreign dictatorship while this Prime Minister pontificates over democracy for the likes of Libya and kills our own country for his own political ends and gold-plated pension

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! *punches the air*

via a wasteful and corrupt union.

Val Duncan
Wellington

Is there any way we can start an on-line campaign to make someone be considered as an MEP? Because I can't help thinking that Val would make an excellent candidate for that role.

Valerie Duncan MEP. You heard it here first, kids!

Canary Row

2011-09-03T21:26:00.000+01:00

Telling people about a wedding you've been to is like your Football Manager game or your holiday. Very interesting for you, but thoroughly dull and pointless for the person forced to listen to the whole sorry saga, desperately trying to finish their champagne so they can go off and get another glass and find someone far more interesting in the room. I understand that, and I sympathise, but a) It's my blog and b) I have pictures - albeit only about two - so that makes this blog post perfectly acceptable.

The drive from The Shire across the country to East Anglia took just over three hours. Our destination was Carrow Road, which you might know as a road in Norwich, but which you'll more likely know as the name of the football stadium located there. A rather plush Holiday Inn is located next door to the stadium, but alas my room faced the road and not the pitch. Here is a picture I took of the Carrow Road sign using the camera on my phone: http://twitpic.com/6dkaq0 You can't read that sign, can you? You'll just have to trust me on that one.

The wedding was on Sunday, and it was Saturday, so after checking in - where we stood behind the one and only Jimmy Tarbuck at reception - and unpacking we trundled over to a bar inside the football stadium entitled "Yellows" to meet up with the wedding party. We were greeted by my step-sister who was getting married for the second time - this time to an ardent Norwich City fan, hence the location. After a few hours of socialising, we all decided to go our separate ways for the evening (even though we were all in the same hotel), have dinner in different places and then an early night. On the way back to the rooms, we were once again reminded of what was going to happen the next day, and where: http://twitpic.com/6dkksm

Sunday arrived, and with it came a truckload of nerves, which were nice considering I wasn't actually doing anything in particular that day. As all around me tucked into their fried breakfasts, I cautiously had a few croissants with jam and a cup of tea. Strawberry, by the way, thanks for asking. The suits were put on and off we walked to the football ground, where, after the initial photos, we were ushered up three flights of stairs and into the room where the ceremony was taking place. Sitting on the second row, next to my big bro (that rhymes Marge!) we patiently waited. Ten to fifteen minutes later, a version of "Run" by Snow Patrol - sans lyrics - began to play, and we stood for the bride. I'm not going to lie - when my sister walked down the aisle with my dad beside her, I began to feel the tear ducts wobble a little, but one look at the picture of Darren Huckerby on the wall stopped that (I'm not joking either. He's a bit of a cult hero there, for some reason).

You know what a wedding ceremony is like, so let's skip that bit. A glass of Pimms, some canapes, more photos, a walk around the main stand and then back in for the meal. You may know that the Blessed Saint Delia Smith - best know in this country for her rousing and intoxicated "Let's be 'aving you" speech - is head honcho at Norwich City and the restaurant in the main stand comes with her seal of approval. To be fair to her, the meal was amazing: http://twitpic.com/6fjtdp

I could have done without the sorbet, which was rather unnecessary and just a palette cleanser, but I wasn't complaining. After the main course there were speeches which were touching and well handled, particularly the one from the best man who, as well as speaking, had taken the trouble to create a slideshow of pictures which were shown on the two TV screens on the wall. Pictures of the bride and groom, obviously. Not just any old pictures - that would have been odd. After the meal there was a tour of the ground hosted by a former player, but my younger brother was tired so I took him back to our room for a sleep via the bar where the United-Arsenal game was blaring out.

In the evening there was a disco, which took place in the same room as the main meal. After the gloriousness of the food a few hours earlier, the buffet that was laid on was a huge disappointment. Everything was either stale or thoroughly dull, and it was fortunate that we were all full up from the lunchtime meal and didn't have to eat a great deal. The disco was your standard fare - shit pop "classics", an over-enthusiastic DJ and middle-aged people doing the "walking to the dance floor walk" - but a really nice touch was a photo-booth set up at the end of the room which allowed you to put on some fancy dress/a stupid hat and have some pics taken. On that note, the author would like to point out he has no knowledge of who these two idiots are: http://twitpic.com/6fk9ag About 11pm we left, armed with a small box of chocolate footballs and a cupcake (http://twitpic.com/6fk9n3) each and that was pretty much that.

Highlight of the weekend? I'm ashamed to say it came on the Bank Holiday Monday. Before driving back home, we decided to have a walk round Norwich, which was perfectly lovely and splendid and just happens to contain a splendid Disney store. As a kid I was obsessed with Winnie the Pooh, particularly as I only lived about 20 miles away from Ashdown Forest, the setting for the stories. So when I saw this, I just couldn't resist: http://twitpic.com/6diwxq Drink not included.

The weekend as a whole got me thinking about marriage. I have always wanted to get married, but I honestly don't think I could go through with all of the rigmarole (at this late stage of the blog entry, what a word to pull out!) that goes with a lavish wedding. All of that planning and preparation...maybe it's fun, and exciting, and the day is certainly unforgettable, but I'm starting to think that maybe my Uncle was right. He and his lady flew off to New York, got married, had the honeymoon there, then came home. "Booked it, packed it, fucked off!" as Peter Kay would say, and neither of them have regretted it for a second.

So, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to buy two tickets to Boston. I believe the Yanks allow civil partnerships now, so the second ticket is for my friend Dan. Toodles for now!

The One Where I Ponder Life

2011-08-23T11:58:00.000+01:00

In four months time, it will be December. December 2011, to be precise, and I will be twenty five years old.

25. Twenty five. XXV. A quarter of a century.

For the first time ever, my age is beginning to freak me out. Because in December I'll be 25, and that feels an eternity away from 20, yet ominously close to 30. Before I know it, I'll be wearing cardigans, and sandals. I'll have a drawer set aside for handkerchiefs. 11pm will be considered a "late night", and I'll find myself agreeing with Ken Clarke.

The funny thing however is that I've always been a bit like that anyway. I had my childhood stage, the awful puberty stage, and then I seemed to skip the stage where everyone tried drugs, went to raves and music festivals and instead ploughed straight on to adulthood. I did a personality test the other day which told me that I was a 50 year old man stuck in a 24 year old body. Not literally - that would be odd - but you and I both know what it meant. For Gods sake, I fucking love sherry. And Pimms! So not only am I middle-aged, but I'm middle-class as well. How strange it is then that growing old terrifies me ever so slightly.

I've never, ever been physically fit, but this past year or so, I can feel the change. I've lost half a step, and I know it. I can feel the pain in the back of my legs whilst walking up The Wrekin. I can feel my stomach muscles aching a day after I've done gardening. Gardening, by the way! You see! Most of all, I can feel how sensitive my ankles are, after "going over" on them (particularly my left) once or twice a month. I was watching my football club play tonight. Our goalkeeper is 20, and the average age of the side was 23. Lewis Hamilton had won a F1 World Championship by the age of 25, Rory McIlroy a US Open. I appreciate none of that is exclusive to me, but, Christ, it makes me feel old.

I'm currently re-reading one of my favourite novels - 'Le Grand Meaulnes', written by Alain-Fournier. Two things strike me whilst reading it - a) How it's a precursor to 'Catcher in the Rye' (another novel that I love) and b) How both novels aren't about "coming of age" as many people think, but instead the exact opposite. They're "refusal to age" novels. For all the world-weariness and maturity shown by Augustine Meaulnes and Holden Caulfield in places, both of them are young adults who just can't force themselves to let go of their childlike tendencies. The reason why I love these books is because I can relate to them. I read Holden Caulfield and thought "fucking hell - that's me" and it's true.

Every one of you reading this will know this question: "What's the meaning of life?"

I hate to brag, but I reckon I solved that one a long time ago. The meaning of life, in my opinion, is to reproduce. Because if you don't do that, than your species dies, so your whole purpose is to keep the chain trundling along so that it's still going strong 100 years after you've pegged it. Here's where I become Augustine though. On one hand, all I want in life - realistically - is to fulfil that, to have a wife and a child. On the other, I want to watch baseball, eat crisps and try and get a degree without giving a solitary fuck.

What words scare you, if any? For me, it's words like "mortgage", "marriage" and most importantly of all "responsibility". The hilarious thing however is that I want all of those things, in the sense that I'll need a mortgage to have my own house, I'll need to take responsibility if I ever raise a child. Every time I dare to stick my neck above the parapet however I instantly think "fuck that" and go back to watching The Jerry Springer Show and tweeting some bollocks. How odd it is that the things I want the most are the things that terrify me the most.

I'm rambling and this is all pointless bollocks so time to wrap it up. In conclusion, I'm a man who's 24 going on 50 who also needs to grow up a bit. Nice to meet you. Now, who the hell are you?

Letters Pray

2011-08-16T16:10:00.000+01:00

It's been well over a month since I've looked at some letters into The Shropshire Star, and the papers I've saved especially for this reason have begun to fester a little bit and really need binning. So, let's cut the small talk here and go go go. I'm treating you by lining up a Val Duncan DOUBLE-BILL first!

==================================================================

Cameron says: "If I was running a Conservative-only Government I think we would be making further steps on things like immigration control or making sure that our welfare reforms were absolutely making sure that if you're not prepared to work you can't go on welfare. I think we'd be tougher than that."

Right.

A very bad statement to make because Cameron is already known as Mr U-turn and this confirms we have a very weak Prime Minister who will give ground for an easy ride. Time to change the leader and put someone in place who has a backbone.

Who? I don't agree with Val's opinion here, but let's run with this last sentence. You get rid of D-Cam, and you replace him with....who exactly? Gideon? Michael Gove?

*little devil on Ewar's shoulder* "Don't you like David Davis and think he'd be a good leader?"

SHUT UP, YOU!

Also, Val seems to be criticising the fact that a leader operating in a coalition Government is making it very clear that he's the leader of a coalition Government. Boo! Send him to the stocks!

The Prime Minister made a speech a few months ago enthusiastically welcoming Turkey's 78 million into the EU, which of course means unfettered access to England which is already chronically overcrowded. That's how serious he is about mass immigration.

Of course it does. That is, OF COURSE, what it means. All of these Turkish people are now able to come over here now that they've joined the EU. I'm looking forward to meeting a Turkish person! We've never had one in this country before, of course.

Now please just excuse me whilst I go and get a kebab. Lovely guys down at my local kebab house. No idea where they come from!

We could virtually stop immigration in its tracks if we stopped the benefit system (but I suppose this isn't allowed by the EU!)

Lol!

David Cameron is the biggest disaster ever. Need I add more?

"The Biggest Disasters Ever - A List by Val Duncan"

5 Hindenburg
4 Munich Air Disaster
3 Titanic
2 Pompeii
1 David Cameron

Val Duncan
Wellington

================================================================

Europe wants to raise the percentage of reduction of carbon footprints from 20% to 30%?

That is a brilliant idea.

What a brilliant idea.

I know! Good, isn't it?

Let us send all manufacturing and wealth creating to China or even India...we can all sit back and let China and India send us financial aid.

Hmm?

Can I ask just when our Prime Minister is going to start thinking about Britain? Please Mr Cameron will you stop looking in the mirror and practising looking important on the world stage and start looking at the state of our country instead.

This is really annoying, as Val wrote this BEFORE Cameron decided to stay on his holidays rather than come back to the UK once the looting started, so reading this now it appears that she has a point. Damn you D-Cam! Nevertheless, I like this paragraph a lot more when you take it literally, and imagine our Prime Minister taking a few moments every day to look in the mirror and "practice looking important".

Whilst I'm here - "Europe wants to..." suddenly becomes all about Cameron and Britain. Far be it for me to try and wade through Val Duncan's thoughts and make some sort of sense out of them, but I'm not sure this really makes any sense whatsoever. As we've seen in the past, she HATES a federal Europe, but now she wants Europe to keep all of it's profitable manufacturing going whilst banning David Cameron from looking in mirrors.

I think?

We are under-educated and under-defended;

Speak for yourself.

unemployment is abysmal; we are cutting everything and paying more for essentials. Either get a grip or stand down. You are not up to the job.

I for one welcome our new David Davis led overlords!

Val Duncan
Bratton

Seriously, you were from Wellington a few minutes ago. What's going on?

===============================================================
There's only so much Val Duncan a man can take, so let's move on.

Is Nato finished?

No.

One good reason it will not survive - it is costing America too much.

Wrong.

Allan Tucker
Oswestry

Thanks Allan!

To be honest, I secretly like Allan Tucker. If you're going to be wrong - and he ALWAYS is - it's better to be wrong in about 12 words then 1,200.

================================================================

I have just been in a local shop and asked where was the fat (very helpful and efficient) girl -

This is going to be a boring letter. Does anyone want a cup of tea? I'm just on my way to the kitchen, so if you want anything shout now or forever hol...hang on, what? Can you repeat that?

I have just been in a local shop and asked where was the fat (very helpful and efficient) girl -

Wow. And I mean that.

a perfectly innocent comment! Not a slur!

When I get to about 70, can someone just put me down, please? I don't want to end up like this person, or like my Gran, who goes to church several times a week yet is the biggest racist I know.

The thing is, she doesn't do it deliberately - it's just the attitude that she's grown up with, and now times have changed she can't adapt. But that's a race thing. Surely there's never been an acceptable time to flippantly describe someone, in a social context, as "the fat girl"?

It reminds me a little of Father Ted, the way that Matthews and Linehan named their characters - "The Dancing Priest", "The Boring Priest" and so on.

I was told by the obviously educated lady serving that I should not say such things etc.

If there's one thing I fucking hate - and which we need less of - it's educated people. Fuck off, learned people! Take a hike, socially aware, diplomatic, courteous and kind folk!

What a narrow-minded nasty little world the politically correct brigade have brought about!

And......I'm bailing.

J H Price
Madeley

I read the letters page every day, yet I've never seen this name before. That, combined with the last sentence, makes me think that I'm being had here.

Because this is a wind-up, isn't it? It has to be. I don't want to exaggerate my power and influence(!) but I do get readers landing on these blog entries often having Googled a letter writers name. There's a danger that combing through the letters pages, I've set myself up for a right merking - someone has seen this blog and tried to reel me in with a letter like this.

JH Price from Madeley. My eye is very much trained on you. Fat boy.

==================================================================

One more.

I cannot believe the content of Val Duncan's letter (July 4th). While I am concerned about the way some immigrants seem to get benefits, it's obvious that most of that letter is untrue, very inflammatory and intended to stir up racial hatred.

Ron Jones
St Martins

Ooof! It's Ron Jones 1-0 Val Duncan!

Can Val equalise?! Join us next time to find out, kids!

OMFG Football!!

2011-08-10T15:53:00.000+01:00

Alright?

It was the Community Shield on Sunday, and what a game it was. Regardless of the result however, the match signalled one very important thing - that the new Premier League season is just days away. Exciting, huh?

So allow me to now subdue all that excitement by giving you my Premier League Guide - a quick look at every team before a predicted table which will be thought up off the top of my head. I started writing this on August 8th, finished it on August 10th. The transfer deadline closes at the end of the month. Bear that in mind when I ponder why Chelsea/Arsenal etc haven't signed a midfielder/defender etc yet.

ARSENAL - How long can this continue? For the Gunners last season, it was the same old story - good football, big attendances, stylish players, mental fragility, lack of leaders, a player pining for La Rambla, poor goalkeeper, poor centre halves, stressed manager.

You'd cry if you didn't laugh. Has one game EVER summed up a team as much as Newcastle 4-4 Arsenal did? The really funny thing is that EVERYONE outside of The Emirates know what they need - A goalkeeper. A hard as nails centre half. A spiteful bastard in the middle of the pitch. A miracle to keep Robin van Persie fit.

They'll be Top 4. They'll play, at times, sensational football. They'll blow away teams lower down the league. They'll not win a sausage. Again. How much longer?

ASTON VILLA - When a manager is appointed whom the home crowd instantly dislike, it's very VERY difficult for the man in charge to get them on board and win them round. Alex McLeish has a real job on his hands at Villa, you feel. The Villa fanbase just don't do "solid, steady, defensive" - the things that McLeish preached at their neighbours - and would it surprise anyone if he was sacked 3/4 into the season with the team languishing in about 14th? They won't go down, and N'Zogbia is a nice replacement for Ashley Young, but Villa fans shouldn't get their hopes up.

BLACKBURN ROVERS - As I said to my father the other day: "Blackburn. Now there's a team who are going down." Because they are, aren't they? There's no argument I can make for them staying up, to be honest. Who's going to score their goals? Their forward options:

Nick Blackman. Who? Mauro Formica. Who? David Goodwillie. Who? David Hoilett. Promising, but still raw. Nikola Kalinic. Really? Jason Roberts. Meh. Ruben Rochina. WHO?

When you combine their weak squad with their inexperienced and no-name manager, and then mix all that in with their laughable owners, I can't see anything else than the drop. And once they go, you fear they won't be back for a while.

BOLTON WANDERERS - This is a big season for Bolton. With an ambitious, confident and enthusiastic young manager at the helm, they could push on and improve on their 14th place of last season. OR they can go back to being over-reliant on the thuggery of Kevin Davies for their goals and continue being...well...decent, but not exactly scintillating. Their football now is a million miles away from the nonsense dreamt up by Gary Megson though, and that should be applauded. They'll be fine.

CHELSEA - 2nd, 2nd, 3rd, 1st, 2nd. That's Chelsea over the past five seasons, so you know what you get with them. They have the leaders and the toughness that Arsenal lack, and their first XI is still powerful, strong and on their day dominant. But the squad is ageing, and let's not even mention the Torres headache. Can they win the league? They can, but you feel the answer to that question boils down to the senior players and their relationship with the new manager, Andre Villas-Boas. Their home form however means they are still a lock for the Top 3.

EVERTON - How long can this continue? Everton are absolutely skint, a fact which can be used as evidence when extolling the virtues of their manager David Moyes. What more can he do at the club? Nothing - certainly nothing with the current ownership in charge. Bill Kenwright is a good man, and a good owner, but he can't cope with the money that's thrown around the league nowadays. Midtable is where they will be, probably after a slow start.

FULHAM - "What on Earth happened with Mark Hughes?" is the thing that springs to mind with Fulham. Before his strange exit, Fulham were being Fulham - strong at home, poor away from home, playing nice football and generally being everyone's second-favourite Premier League team. Martin Jol should carry that on, but you get the feeling an awful lot rests on Bobby Zamora's shoulders.

LIVERPOOL - I have to talk about them? I do. Hmmph. Well, they massively overpaid for Jordan Henderson, and Charlie Adam is SHITE. Luis Suarez is top quality, but how tired will he be after a lengthy Copa America? They'll score more than last season - look out for the Downing/Carroll combination - but their defence is susceptible. How much longer does Jamie Carragher have left? Top 4? Possible, but I'd bet on 5th being their final position.

MANCHESTER city - They're getting noisier, let's not pretend otherwise, but the key question is this - can
city win the league under Roberto Mancini? On the outside, he's the calm and elegant Italian, but you can tell that inside he's unsure where to turn. Great job, great squad, but the pressure and the nonsense that goes with it must be a nightmare for him. And that's just Mario Balotelli.

Going back to the question - they've got a great chance, and you can't help thinking that a league title will be theirs sooner rather than later. But this season? So much depends on Carlos Tevez - not just his goals, but his workrate up front. If he stays, they'll get close. Real close.

THE GREATEST FOOTBALL CLUB IN THE WORLD - Wesley Sneijder.

Good, that's his name out of the way. What a shame that an excellent pre-season for the 19-times champions has been eclipsed by the torturous, endless "will he, won't he" W.S. saga. It's got to the stage now where whatever the outcome, just get it over with already. It is exhausting, and thoroughly dull.

Whether he comes or not, the size of Sir Alex's squad does pose a few questions. Where does Danny Welbeck play? Who starts on the flanks? Tom Cleverley - what do you do with him? Kiko Macheda? Michael Owen? Where does Phil Jones play? What about Dimitar Berbatov, for Gods sake. He was top scorer last season! Who starts as #1 goalkeeper? Why the hell is Darron Gibson still here?

But there's one other issue on my mind. I have to whisper this very quietly, as he's hugely popular - but Patrice Evra had a really poor season last year, an issue that wasn't really helped by the nonsense in the French camp at the World Cup, and then Sir Alex's desire to play him as much as possible. I'd love to see Fabio get more games at left-back this year, if only to give Paddy some sodding rest.

Chances this season? United go in as favourites, and it'd take a brave man to bet against them all the time Sir Alex is at the helm. If they improve their away form, they will be celebrating title #20 next May.

NEWCASTLE UNITED - To be perfectly honest, I don't have a clue with this one. I really don't. Most of the time I'm pretty certain that Newcastle United themselves don't really know what's going on at Newcastle United. They finished 12th last season, which was a fabulous effort, but you do wonder if they can get close to repeating that this time around. Amongst all the silliness however, there's some decent players. Hatem Ben Arfa is highly skilful, Yohan Cabaye has done well in France, Jose Enrique is one of the league's underrated players. The problem is that regardless of the squad, madness is always just round the corner at St James Park. Will letting Kevin Nolan and Joey Barton go come back to haunt them?

NORWICH CITY - Back to back promotions see Norwich back in the Premier League, a rise masterminded by promising manager Paul Lambert. Can they survive? It's going to be very, very difficult - you can't help thinking that they're totally reliant on Grant Holt for their goals, and their squad doesn't read very impressively on paper. Urged on by a strong home support, they might....might....just do it.

QUEENS PARK RANGERS - Ah, and it's a welcome return to Neil "Colin" Warnock back to the Premier League. Haven't we missed him?

Would it be unfair to pin all their hopes on Adel Taarabt staying? Perhaps, but it's clear that he's the stand out talent in that squad. Last season QPR were strong defensively and they'll need to continue that in the top division, particularly as you can't see DJ Campbell and Jay Bothroyd scoring a bucketful of goals. Whatever you think about him, Warnock is a canny operator, and his rapport with his players goes a long way. It should be eventful.

STOKE CITY - Sigh. For the past three years I've hoped and prayed that the rugby team will get relegated, but alas, nothing has been doing. So, this season, I'm going to confidently predict they'll be mid-table in the hope of a jinx.

What can we expect this season then? Dare I suggest it will be a lot of oohing and ahhing over someone throwing a football a long way? An over-reliance on set pieces? The centre halves hoofing the ball upto Kenwyne Jones at every available second? Thuggery from Andy Wilkinson and Ryan Shawcross?

Maybe Stoke City will surprise me. Maybe they'll play like Brazil 1970, and if they do then I'll be the first to applaud them. I shan't be holding my breath though.

SUNDERLAND - Now here's a funny one. On paper, everything looks very rosy for the Mackems - they've improved their league position year on year for the past three seasons, they've just signed players with excellent experience such as John O'Shea and Wes Brown and have tempted promising young players such as Connor Wickham to join the club. But after the exit of Darren Bent, Sunderland went on a dangerously bad run, not winning a single league game in February and March and damaging fatally their quest for Europe which had looked good at Christmas.

Steve Bruce is a good manager, who's made good signings. They'll be fine, certainly, but how high can they go?

SWANSEA CITY - Is it lazy to call them "the new Blackpool"? It is, but you can't help doing it, as there's so many similarities between them. Looking through their squad, the stand out name is Danny Graham, the £3.5m signing who was so highly rated at Watford. It's a big ask for him to keep them in the division, however. Don't be surprised if Swansea are Top 6 after 10 games, top half at Christmas, bottom three in May.

TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR - Harry? Harry, are you there? What's going on? It's August 10th and you've signed three players, two of which were on free transfers. What's happened to the "fackin' wheeler dealer" you pretend you're not?

Tottenham still have a Top 6 squad, and without the distraction of the Champions League they look well placed to challenge once again for the Top 4. Can they do it, though? At the time of writing, you wonder if they have the firepower to do so. They may have to settle for 6th.

WEST BROMWICH ALBION - Well done Jeremy Peace. In possibly the boldest move of last season, the chairman of the Midlands club decided that although they weren't in the relegation zone, Roberto di Matteo's brand of football was too open and too risky for staying in the league which is so financially crucial. He gambled, and he got it right. The appointment of Roy Hodgson was a masterstroke, and Roy will keep things very stable there this season as well.

WIGAN ATHLETIC - On the field, the Premier League need more teams like Wigan - teams ran by bright young managers who demand good football and an emphasis on flair. Off the field, Wigan Athletic are the last team the Premier League wants. It's a rugby town - always has been, always will be - and you wonder just what exactly is needed to get more people attending games at the DW Stadium.

It's really difficult to know what to predict with Wigan. They've survived - just - the last two seasons, which suggests that they'll be in trouble again. But Roberto Martinez wants a Top 10 finish, and they're a side who can get on a hot streak and boast a dangerous striker in Hugo Rodallega. For Wigan, it could be going down to the last day of the season again.

WOLVERHAMPTON WANDERERS - You know what you get with a Mick McCarthy side. They'll battle, they'll compete, they'll be a tough opponent in their backyard, and they'll have a splash of quality, but not much. They beat Manchester United, Manchester city and Chelsea last season, so they're no mugs, and in Matt Jarvis, Kevin Doyle and Jamie O'Hara they do have some good players. Roger Johnson is a big signing for them, although you do wonder if they overpaid when splashing out £7m on the tall defender. I think they'll stay up, but you wonder how much further McCarthy can take them.

1 Manchester United
2 Manchester city
3 Chelsea
4 Arsenal
5 Liverpool
6 Tottenham
7 Sunderland
8 Everton
9 Fulham
10 Stoke
11 Aston Villa
12 Bolton
13 West Bromwich Albion
14 Newcastle United
15 Wolverhampton Wanderers
16 Wigan Athletic
17 Norwich
18 QPR
19 Blackburn
20 Swansea

How Very Interesting

2011-07-30T11:23:00.000+01:00

Over on the right hand side of the screen (if you scroll down a bit) you should be able to see a graph entitled ''My Political Views". Now I know you, reader - I understand that you can read - but just for the sake of reference, allow me to just write here what the graph said about me:

'I am a centrist social moderate. Left: 0.8 Libertarian: 0.63'

When I was messing about on here the other day, I noticed the graph and realised it had been a wee while since I had actually done that test. A quick rummage around my archives (steady) confirmed that - it had been late August 2009, almost two years ago, when I had given my opinions on two pages worth of statements. So, I did it again. The results surprised me slightly:

My Political Views
I am a left social moderate
Left: 4.04, Libertarian: 0.95

Political Spectrum Quiz

So I've gone from being a Centrist to a Lefty. Naturally this appals me, so here's my comprehensive plan to sort myself out:

1) Stop being corrupted by The Vole
2) Devour all the Clarkson books I haven't got round to yet
3) Look at more pictures of Nicola Blackwood
4) Play more golf
5) Hope that time does its thing and I get more right-wing as I get older, as most people do

How difficult can all that be?! Not difficult at all, so I'm now off to find a friend called Tarquin. I'll be having affairs with Jodie Kidd before you know it!

Tally-ho what!

In Memoriam

2011-07-25T12:42:00.000+01:00

It is Monday morning, and I am spending the day chillaxing (sorry) after a weekend away which contained little sleep, lots of fun and an excellent lunchtime meal. When I'm at home I love to stay informed and up to date with the news via my laptop/TV/phone/radio, but that wasn't really an option for me these past few days. In the car we only listened to the cricket, I didn't bring my laptop with me, we didn't turn on the hotel TV and it's not really good etiquette to check your phone all the time.

So when I checked Twitter just before bed on Saturday evening, I was desperately sad to see the news about Amy Winehouse. Desperately sad not because I was a huge fan of hers (I'll get to that a little bit later) but because it was all so depressingly predictable. Was anyone really surprised by the news? There was another thing that made me sad, though. Whilst perusing my Twitter timeline, a theme quickly began to develop which I found very odd - the inclination for people to automatically connect Amy's death with the atrocities in Oslo. Please let me take a moment to just briefly talk about both:

What happened in Oslo demonstrates quite clearly the abhorrent and despicable depths to which a human can sink to, and has made me despise the human race just a little bit more. Nobody - except the scumbag himself - can say what has been going through Anders Behring Breivik's mind in recent times, but it seems he is close with Neo-Nazi far-right organisations and has spent time co-ordinating and planning these attacks based on some sort of political protest. At the time of writing, over 90 people are dead, roughly the same are injured. The date of these atrocities - Friday 22nd July 2011.

Amy Winehouse was a musician, but also a very troubled young lady. I'm not into music, hugely, so it is not up to me to say whether Amy was wonderfully talented or not. To be honest, I could only name two of her records - one being a cover and the other being 'Rehab' which I never really liked. However, I've seen enough tributes from music journalists over the past two days to recognise that she was hugely talented, and is a desperate loss for the British music industry. The date of her passing - Saturday 23rd July 2011.

I have referenced the dates for one reason and one reason only - they are the only things even remotely plausible to cite when comparing these two events. In ten years time, perhaps we can look back and say "Yes, these two events in history happened on consecutive days" - but let us be very, very clear on this one. The comparisons end there. Why then, on Saturday night, was Twitter (and later Facebook) riddled with tweets/status updates bringing the two events together?

From a dickhead on Twitter - "Alright, Amy Winehouse made a good song once, but how is her self inflicted death more sad than the terror attack in Norway? 92 people died."

From a dickhead on Facebook - "5 days ago a true British hero was killed fighting for our country. Did you know this? Do you know his name? Did you care? A singer addicted to drink and drugs dies and its all over the news, Facebook and Twitter in minutes!!! RIP Corporal Mark Anthony Palin from 1st Battalion The Rifles!"

One more - "okay I know its sad about Amy Winehouse dying but what about all of the 92 people who have been shot and killed in Norway? Oh yeah that's right, they are not famous!"

People. Seriously, what is this? What on Earth is compelling people to write stuff like this, or think this? Am I completely alone in being able to feel sad for different people in different countries? Can we all not just think like this:

I'm very sad that many people have died at the hands of a madman in Norway.
I'm very sad that a talented young woman has died.
I'm very sad that a soldier has died doing a very difficult job in Afghanistan.
I fully understand that these events are in no way connected - other than perhaps time frame - and shouldn't really be talked about in the same sentence, never mind compared and contrasted.

Or is that seemingly too difficult?

I'd like to finish this post on Amy. What some people don't know is that before the heavy drug use, before the silly hairstyle, before the horrible and odd tattoos, before the "out of it" stage appearances - she was actually a very beautiful young woman, and one who has gone far, far too soon. Don't do drugs, kids.

Uppal in Arms (Again)

2011-07-22T14:04:00.000+01:00

Alright? Alright at the back?

Followers and long-term readers of TRAROTL may remember that a few blog posts ago (scroll down, you'll find it) I expressed my displeasure at the Conservative MP for Wolverhampton South West, the Rt. Hon. (Arf!) Paul Uppal MP. If you want daily critical analysis of the Uppalster, obviously Voley is your man, but once again Uppal has infuriated me so much I just cannot let his ignorance and stupidity slide. He's not the only Tory MP who's caught my eye in the past few days, mind. In the case of Mark Pritchard MP, I'll get to him at the end of this post. But how about Nicola Blackwood, eh lads? Eh? Eh? Know what I mean?! I wouldn't mind showing her my Black Rod, geddit?!

I'm not black, just to clarify that one.

ANYWAY, yes. Paul Uppal. On Wednesday our leader, David William Donald Cuthbert Pontesbury Blythe Cameron made a statement on "Hackgate" before answering any questions (lol) that were fired in his direction. Let's see what question the great man asked our leader, eh?

'There are very few places in the world where the leader of the Executive would subject himself to two hours of questioning.'

Really, Paul? I heard someone say the other day that all of this furore is our equivalent of Watergate. Now, I don't know whether it's that big or not, but it's pretty damn big right now, isn't it? It's seen a 160 year old newspaper brought to its knees. It's seen the (pretty scary) revelation that very, very senior people in the Met are incompetent, and perhaps worse (please don't sue me). It's seen Rupert Murdoch turn up to a Select Committee/episode of Tiswas. It's seen Rebekah Wade-Brooks leave News International.

You know what I'm saying? Now when it comes to Cameron, the pressure is on a little bit, due to his (rather cosy, it seems) relationship with Andy Coulson and everything that's entailed. As the top man, it was absolutely right that Cameron faced the questions of his peers (even if he dodged most of them) and it's absolutely right that he rode it out for as long as it took. Two hours? That's hardly a ridiculously long period of time, Paul. 'Very few places'? We all know the naughty boys of the world's political stage - Gaddafi and Mugabe and President I'm A Dinner Jacket and those lads - but most countries have accountable leaders. I think 'very few places' is a tad OTT. Anyway, let's have a gander at Uppal's question:

'One thing that shames our democracy, though, is that there are elements in the House that seem to want to make political capital out of the hacking of Milly Dowler's phone.'

Now I don't want to criticise Voley, but in his post about this nonsense, I cannot believe he missed this. It's basically left an open goal for me, yet one that's made me very angry. Because what Paul Uppal is thinking when he says this - and remember that this man represents 60,000 people - can be simply boiled down to this:

"This is good. I now have an opportunity, live on TV, in front of my exalted leader, to make petty political capital out of petty political capital."

Because that's what that is, no? Just sheer, blatant hypocrisy. "They've shamed our democracy with their political pettiness!" he cries, whilst shaming our democracy with his political pettiness. Once again, I'm left astonished by this man, and not in a good way.

And as for the question? There simply isn't one. Now I know I'm stressed at the moment, and I know I haven't slept much recently, but I find this pretty fucking poor. Once again I'm left reading something from Paul Uppal and thinking "Dude? Really?" before getting pissed off with him. Happily, I'm not the only one, as Margaret Curran, the Labour MP for Glasgow East wasn't too impressed either:

'May I ask the Prime Minister, in all sincerity, to dissociate himself from the comment of Paul Uppal?

Naturally, Dave duly dodged that question.

One final thing - I was reading a VERY interesting webpage the other day which listed and detailed MPs remunerations and sponsorships. Did you know that Diane Abbott receives £800 for every 'This Week' appearance? Or that Ed Miliband was sponsored by Lord Sugar in the lead-up to the Labour leadership election? If you fancy a browse yourself, it's here: http://www.theyworkforyou.com/regmem/?d=2011-07-06

It was perusing that page that led me to this interesting little titbit about Mark Pritchard, the MP who stands in my constituency:

Payment of £500 for article for News of the World newspaper, 1 Virginia Street, London E1 9XR. Hours: 5 hrs.(Registered 24 January 2011)

Having not hassled the letters page of The Sloppy Star for a wee while, I thought firing off a quick, rather smug letter based upon this information was a good idea. Sadly, it seems the editorial people don't agree - letter was sent via e-mail on Monday, at the time of writing (Friday) it has not been published, and I suspect it won't be considering how Conservative leaning the rag is. But I shall not be silenced! Here is the letter in full. I'm tempted to write another version and send it to Mr Pritchard directly in the vain hope of a reply.

Sir,

The allegations against the 'News Of The World' have made for depressing reading over the past fortnight. From a murdered schoolgirl to victims of terrorism, there were, allegedly, no depths to which this deplorable rag wouldn't stoop to when hacking into phones. These revelations have been brought to light recently, but the allegations against the paper on this subject have been simmering for at least two years now. How interesting it is to read then that Mark Pritchard MP received a payment of £500 for an article in the paper registered on 24th January, 2011 (information taken from TheyWorkForYou.com http://www.theyworkforyou.com/regmem/?d=2011-07-06) - just two weeks after it had suspended associate editor Ian Edmondson over the hacking allegations! I trust Mr Pritchard will be giving this money to charity, if he has not already done so?

Editing Does Not Get Tougher Than This

2011-07-12T15:46:00.000+01:00

Hallo folks. I know I haven't blogged for a while, but right now nothing is really jumping out at me in terms of what I can write about. As you can probably understand, so much has already been written about the News International saga - and by more intelligent folk than myself - that adding my voice is a bit pointless. So, let's have a change of pace. I try to mix things up here at TRAROTL, so instead of lengthy blocks of text, how about we all sit back and enjoy a nice video?

I don't really watch 'Masterchef' - I'm more of a 'Come Dine With Me' man, to the chagrin (great word) of Cynical Ben. But I've seen enough of the programme to know that this is pure, pure genius - particularly the last 20 seconds or so. Now, good luck getting it out of your head...

Uppal in Arms

2011-06-28T18:16:00.000+01:00

If you're a long term reader of this fine blog, chances are you also read the tremendous blog by professional Stoke City fanatic The Plashing Vole. Ever since the General Election, you may have noticed that Voley has had it in for the newly elected MP for Wolverhampton South West - his constituency - Mr Paul Uppal MP, a Conservative.

As the tirades began, I mostly ignored them. Voley is a rabid leftie, and I took his rants to be exaggerations - portrayals of Mr Uppal which were unfair and inaccurate and at times callous. Nevertheless, I was curious about the Uppalster, so I went to the (excellent) 'They Work For You' website and signed up to e-mail notifications about the great man. This basically means that when Paul Uppal asks a question or makes a speech in the House of Commons, I get an email the next morning notifying me of the content. You can do it for any MP you like, and it's cool, providing you're a nerd like me.

Here's the kicker. On Thursday morning I received an email because yer man from Wolverhampton had asked a question at Prime Ministers Questions the day previously, the full transcript of which can be found (and laid out really well) here: http://www.theyworkforyou.com/debates/?id=2011-06-22b.313.5#g323.2

It's perhaps fair to say that this question did not please me greatly. Here it is:

Earlier this year, the Prime Minister demonstrated his strength of character in talking about multiculturalism. In view of the fact that I have a Christian first name and a Sikh surname, I try to combine the best of my traditional Indian values with my core British values. Does he agree that we can learn a lot from our Indian partners in this respect, many of whom define themselves by their nationality first and foremost, regardless of their ethnic or religious background?

With all due respect to Paul Uppal MP, what a bucketful of shit that is. A thorough fisking of it can be found here but the thing that angered me about it was that Uppal seemingly felt the need to ask this probing, thorough and intelligent "question" at PMQs. Seriously. For folk like myself, who are interested in politics but not overly so, PMQs is pretty much the one time we have to watch the Prime Minister answering questions on the big national issues of the day. Some MPs don't focus on the national side of things - they highlight an issue in their area, or a note-worthy constituent of theirs, and that's fine. Uppal does neither. What he does do is ask a question which doesn't actually make a great deal of sense. I'd love to know what "core British values" are.

So at this point I've got Uppal's card marked, but sadly worse was to follow. Last week I was lounging around watching tennis when a tweet caught my attention - Tory MP Mark Pritchard was going against his own party/leader in trying to get a ban imposed on circuses employing wild animals as part of their shows. I flicked over to BBC Parliament instantly, not because I was particularly interested in circuses, but because Pritchard is my local MP and seemed to be stirring things up a bit. I proceeded to sit and watch the debate for about 90 minutes, as it proved to be rather more interesting than I thought it would be. During that time I witnessed:

a) Several Conservative MPs congratulating Mark Pritchard on his involvement with the debate, and agreeing with his viewpoint.

b) A very thoughtful and intelligent speech from Caroline Lucas.

c) A speech from Zac Goldsmith(!) where he put on record how he was pleased David Cameron had stepped down and allowed the debate to be a free vote.

d) A cross-party consensus on the issue.

During these speeches, I spotted the great man himself, the Uppal, sneaking into the Chamber. I suddenly got excited. Would he speak on this issue? Would he join Zac Goldsmith (still can't believe that) in subtly criticising his leader? Would he join everyone else in agreeing with Mark Pritchard on this issue? Well, the answers are as follows - Yes. No. No.

Those are fine words, but will the hon. Gentleman explain to the House why the Labour party did not do something about the issue when it was in power?

And now I know that Vole is right. Because this is disgustingly cheap political point scoring from someone who should know better. I appreciate politics is a dirty game sometimes, but at that moment in the debate, there was no need for an interjection as snide, unintelligent and pointless as what we see above. Mercifully, as we can see here (http://www.theyworkforyou.com/debates/?id=2011-06-23a.548.0&s=speaker%3A24886#g579.0) Uppal was soon slapped down by Labour MP Gavin Shuker. There we have it folks. That's the mark of the man, right there. When even the poshest of posh Tory boys can admit that his leader is worryingly wrong and contributes successfully to a debate, Paul Uppal barges in with his finger pointing with nonsense that helps precisely no-one.

Will I ever blog about Paul Uppal ever again? Probably not - I know someone who will, and they do a better job of it than I ever could. But the more blogs like this which can be found when a person googles his name, the better, quite frankly. People of Wolverhampton South West - when the election next rolls round, don't tolerate this man's rubbish any longer.

MOAR Letters!

2011-06-16T15:01:00.000+01:00

No small talk. Let's rattle on through some more bonkers letters.

===========================================================

What a wonderful wedding.

As mentioned last time, I've taken these letters from papers over the last month or so. This one is from May 11th so we're on the William/Kate wedding here. I'm sure you realised that already but hey ho.

A handsome prince, an accomplished and beautiful bride. Our Queen and Prince Philip looking happy and immaculate.

I did not watch it, but from the pictures I've seen it looks that way. I'm pleased for William and Kate, I really am. Thankyou, Peter Hollingworth, for writing in this lovely letter about a lovely wedding. I like this letter a lot, so far, and as long as you don't do something mental like use the Royal Wedding to shoehorn in a criticism of the EU, I'll be with you every step of the way.

Lots of ordinary people in the congregation with foreign royalty and leaders of the Commonwealth countries - and not an EU representative in sight.

I give up, I really do. This is like the "Nick Clegg's fault" thing which went around Twitter a few months back, except this isn't tongue in cheek. This is horribly, nightmarishly real.

It's just started raining here. THAT'S YOUR FAULT, ANDRE AGASSI!

A truly British event and a day to be remembered.

So you shouldn't be moaning. By the way, wasn't Clegg there? And wasn't he an MEP?

Why can't our MPs realise it is time to change tacks and to get back with the Commonwealth we created, before Heath turned his back on it.

Bring back the Empire, what I always say. Sort out these funny chaps with a right British slap, what!

What made him want to be a good little European? Was it his own way of getting his own back on General de Gaulle who, as President of France, not only said "No" to our first application but added: "The British people will never be European". Now most under 60-year-olds think they are European - their passport tells them so.

Anyone still trying to work out the connection here between this guff and the wedding? Anyone? Bueller?

But if they look at a map they will see that the nearest point of the European continent is 22 miles from us across the sea.

I know I say this every time, but this must be the shittiest thing ever written. TWENTY TWO MILES! OH MY GOD! Can you even IMAGINE that distance? Wow, mainland Europe is SO FAR AWAY.

We can't afford the £45m plus which we give Brussels every day, nor the 70% of laws being imposed on Parliament by Brussels. Get us out. I enjoyed being British again.

Peter Hollingworth
Harborne, Birmingham

And you are writing into The Shropshire Star because......?

===========================================================

So that's why we're in Afghanistan...to kill Bin Laden.

Well, there's a number of reasons we, and others, are in Afghanistan. These reasons are valid and I completely support the troops that are out there. Bin Laden? Well, as a key member of Al Qaeda, he was always going to be in the firing line (literally). I have slight reservations about how he was removed, but I understand, with some regret, that Army boys don't mess about. In the long run his death doesn't change anything, really, but it was a powerful, highly symbolic moment.

I see, how clever. I thought it was to give democracy to the Afghan people, to control the cocaine market and put two fingers up to the Russians.

You thought right! Well done. The influx of nasty drugs from Afghanistan and it's neighbours (nudge nudge, wink wink Pakistan!) presents the biggest danger to our young people, in my opinion.

So that's why British troops have died, revenge for 9/11. I see, so Obama can be re-elected.

Dude, you've now given us six possible reasons for why we're in Afghanistan. You were correct with...I'mma say three, with the Obama thing a tad cynical but probably true.

It only took them four years to plan and execute the killing of the most wanted man in the world.

Quick summary of this letter: "It is a disgrace that troops were in Afghanistan to kill Bin Laden. What took you so long you muppets, why didn't you kill him STRAIGHT AWAY?!"

I know we should have invaded Zimbabwe and got rid of dictators. Not played up to them like Libya, Pakistan and most of the Middle East.

I've addressed this before, so I shan't again. But, John, please please please tell me how we could have/can invade Zimbabwe. Please do!

Clue: You can't.

Yet we must obey our masters, the Americans. They know best.

John R Brown
Shrewsbury

I dealt with you last time - I remember the name. Will have to keep an eye on you.

===========================================================

Now is the time for the Conservatives to demand Mr Cameron call an election.

?????????????????

It is quite obvious that this country can no longer be governed by a coalition.

?????????????????

We must remove Mr Clegg and his Lib Dems. No more immigration. No more EU. No more windmills.

GT Inwood
Shrewsbury

Fuck windmills. I'm serious.

I was stopped by a man in the street the other day, doing a survey on the threats of society. On his list of options he had: Drugs, climate change, terrorism, global pandemic, nuclear weaponry, the EU (naturally). I realised then that he was a complete amateur.

"Windmills" I softly said to him, as I handed his clipboard back to him without ticking any of the boxes. "Windmills" I repeated, before turning and slowly walking away.

===========================================================

One more letter for you now, and I've deliberately left this one till last. If anyone has ANY idea what the living fuck this is all about, please, leave a comment below. If you can, you're a better person than I am. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you....this.

One has often wondered how Dr Samuel Johnson, the eminent lexicographer, managed to compile the wonderful dictionary.

This is a very fair point - seriously. When you sit and think about it, what a staggering achievement. How DID he do it? It's a real shame that when I see his name, I automatically think of Robbie Coltrane and that Blackadder (III?) episode, instead of the man himself and his fine, fine achievement.

The term happiness is a state of mind and the word utopia enters our picture.

The term 'happiness' is a state of mind....okay, right....and the word 'utopia' enters our picture...

Not entirely sure about the second bit, but go on.

Numerous citizens "ate" political correctness as a base for a form of reasoning, drawing comparisons to the days before New Labour's Human Rights Act - a misconception surely?

Emyr Davies
Wrexham

Is it me? Am I being thick, and just not getting that?

I've read that letter about 15 times, and I'm still none the wiser. Congratulations Emyr, you've silenced me. Answers in the comment box please.

Killing Two Birds

2011-06-09T16:12:00.000+01:00

Just a quickie for you this time folks. If you roam around on the internet a lot then you may have seen this already, but if not then it's worth a watch. It appeals to me as a hopeless romantic greatly:

Of course, if you follow my relatively new Tumblr page, you might have seen it already! Yes, I have a Tumblr account. I'm still trying to figure it out, and it will never, ever be the priority compared to this blog, but for stuff too little for here and too big for Twitter, it's perfect. I don't update it that frequently, but feel free to check it out over at:

http://thefallandfalloftimlovejoy.tumblr.com/

See what I did there?

Writers Gonna Write!

2011-06-03T18:58:00.000+01:00

Dear readers,

Something truly staggering has happened. Over the past few weeks, my local paper The Sloppy Star has been inundated with bafflingly barmy letters - and I mean inundated. I don't use the "I" word lightly, don't you worry about that. Now, if you're a long term reader you'll know all about the letters page and the bonkers correspondents, but in the past few weeks the volume of said scribblings has increased dramatically. It's actually quite awe-inspiring, but also rather fucking scary. In one particular edition, there were eight stupid letters to marvel at. 8! EIGHT! IN ONE PAPER! That's....I mean....wow.

I like to be a good and responsible blogger, so every letter of the magical variety I saw, I saved the paper. Thus my room now looks like the awkward bit in your local library where they stockpile old newspapers, but it's these sacrifices I make which enables this blog, TRAROTL, to once again retain it's crown as Britain's Most Beloved Blog, as voted for by Blogger Insider magazine readers*.

I've lost count of how many letters I have to analyse for your reading pleasure, but I suspect it's getting close to 20 now. Naturally I shan't be covering them all in this blog entry - I'll spread them out over the next...say...3 years or so, but before I drown in print, let us make a start.

*May or may not be real.

==========================================================

Calm down dear it's only a Coalition which is falling apart.

Not really. Not yet.

"How can I stay in power?" said Cameron. "I know, we'll have a vote."

Hmmm?

AV, first past the post or name out of a hat. "Name out of the hat", that's the one said Cameron, "My name on every vote," said Cameron. A wonderful idea, dear.

John R Brown
Shrewsbury

A promising start, I think we can agree?

==========================================================

At the time of writing this letter, there is much confusion as to whether Osama Bin Laden is dead or not.

This letter is taken from The Shropshire Star of May 9th, 2011, exactly one week after Bin Laden was shot and killed by US military. There wasn't any confusion about Bin Laden's status then, nor is there now. Dead, isn't he? As dead as a Dido.

Dodo.

There is much finger pointing at other countries involved, including Pakistan and it can soon escalate into another war. I am not aware of the procedure in other countries, but it may be a useful exercise to ascertain if there have been any children registered with a bin Laden as the father in recent years since 2002.

This is unintentional genius.

Nurse: "Do we have a name for the father, to put on the birth certificate?"
Mother: "Bin Laden. Osama."
Nurse: "How lovely. And what does Mr Bin Laden do?"
Mother: "International terrorist, warlord and overseer of a violent and fundamentalist group consisting of a multinational, stateless Sunni army which strives for global Jihad."
Nurse: "I'll just put 'Political Campaigner' on the document itself, so I will!"

That conversation took place in Ireland, judging by the last sentence.

I am saying this because there have been reports of his death since then.

Which were false.

Speaking of which, there should be a death certificate issued. However, like Barack Obama's birth certificate, it could take up to three years to find.

Trevor Mytton
Shrewsbury

Sigh. http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/birthcertificate.asp

==========================================================

In the first-past-the-post contest of female hats at the royal wedding, Mrs Cameron was the clear winner.

Letter taken from Tuesday May 10th, so you can see that, much like the first letter, these unfunny idiots are taking every opportunity they can take to crowbar in references to the AV vote of a few days previous.

Her choice was original and outstanding. The PM has real class for a wife.

I should hope so, considering her background which is, shall we say, "privileged".

Fred Phipps
Minsterley

That's it? Seriously?

Look, I'm no expert on writing letters, but I can't help thinking that a letter into The Shropshire Star, lest we forget, should at least try and cover a minimum of one of these areas:

1) Something about Shropshire
2) Something of national interest
3) Something which contributes to an ongoing debate/issue, either locally or nationally
4) Something amusing
5) Something interesting

With that in mind, I'd mark Fred's letter as 0/50. Quite some achievement.

Let's have one more for now. I think I can cope with one more as long as it isn't from my long-term arch nemesis, Val Duncan.

==========================================================

The Greek bailout...get a life.

Oh Val. This relationship is only going to end one way, I fear - a duel to the death at Reichenbach Falls. A nice literary reference there for my highly sophisticated readership.

Do you really believe "we are reluctant, but we will do it anyway" will cut any ice?

Sorry....me? Me personally? Well, Val, errm...well I suppose that's just the way it is, isn't it? They use the Euro, so I suppose it's financially sensible for the other Euro using nations to buck them up a bit. But thanks for asking, appreciate it.

You are on a slippery slope to nowhere.

Fucking hell, that was just an opinion off the top of my head. Lay off a bit eh?

Think about it.

Right.

Major is an irrelevant force.

Major? Wait....JOHN Major? John Major, Prime Minister between 1990-1997? Are you....what?

Blair is toxic.

Tony Bliar - he lies about EVERYTHING - is "toxic". WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

Brown is toxic.

You've done that one.

Clegg is toxic.

Everybody is "toxic". We get it. This is like a karaoke rendition of Britney's song "Toxic", only sung by a xenophobic lunatic.

Miliband is a national joke.

I think this is a tad harsh. Nevertheless, WHAT in the name of bejesus are you talking about? What is your point Val?

Now the country has its sights set on Cameron.

?????????????????

All of them are leaders who sold their country out - they trashed our laws and imported foreign laws illegally.

After a slow and bizarre start, Val has settled down and has resorted to her safe ground - the EU is shit, we should tell Europe to fuck off, foreign laws blah blah blah. She'll carry on this theme for a little while longer.

They wrecked the economy and sold everything off to Europe. They got us involved in unwanted (and expensive) wars. They sold off our gold reserves. They gave money we didn't have to countries with more reserves than we have and fed the insatiable EU. They bailed out a currency we didn't use. They gave money to educate foreign children while putting our students in debt. All of them are traitors to the British people.

Vintage Val! But here comes an odd change of tack.

The country has sussed out what is going on, just look how the last party leaders were got in.

This is a very odd statement, but luckily Val doesn't just ditch it and move on, she proceeds to dig herself a big hole in trying to explain it. We're going in, folks!

Clegg was pushed onto the dumb Lib Dems. It took the Communist unions to push Miliband into place. And it took AV to put Cameron in over David Davis.

Right.

a) Nick Clegg wasn't exactly "pushed onto" the Liberal Democrats. He stood against Chris Huhne in an election determined by party members.

b) I dislike trade unions - a debate for another day - but to describe them as 'Communist' is facile. Mind you, it is a shame they interfered in that election. If they hadn't voted in Miliband, just think! The leader would have been....Miliband.

c) The Conservatives do not use AV in their leader elections. You are an idiot and I hate you.

Let's move on!

All of them were placed to weaken and destroy their parties and the country for an EU takeover.

Long term readers will understand that this isn't satire - that Val isn't a comic creation dreamt up by a mate of mine, or myself. It COULD be a wind-up - if it is, it's sensational. I fear it isn't though.

Only the party faithful are too dumb to see it. The rest of the country are far more intelligent.

At this point I, and I suspect you, are thinking "Let's wrap it up now eh Val love?". Not yet my friends, she's got more!

But the country will redress the balance and when it is ready it will pull down the coalition and vote an anti-EU party into power. Look around, it's already starting to happen across Europe and it will happen here. The EU is a busted flush and the country will make sure all of you fall along with it unless we get a vote to come out of the EU. You can't win this one...

Back to me again, are we?

600 against 60 million is very poor odds.

600? I'm going to assume Val is meaning MPs here, of which there are 649 currently sitting in the House of Commons. But thinking about it, trying to assume anything Val Duncan means is an exercise in futility - her mind is a strange ol' place after all.

The country has a long memory and a sharp sense of justice. It will take its revenge, be sure of it.

Val fucking Duncan
Telford

Until next time, you deranged nut.

This Is The One (Part 2)

2011-05-27T21:57:00.000+01:00

"And so, to tonight. My opinion hasn't really changed since I blogged about the game a few weeks ago. I fancy us to score, at least once. Vidic and Ferdinand will be a strong threat from corners, and if they play Puyol and Sylvinho, that's a definite weakness. I think we'll surrender the majority of possession, and just make sure that Barcelona always play in front of us. Xavi and Iniesta, two wonderful players, can pass the ball around as much as they like, providing they don't play in Eto'o or Henry in behind. And as for the little maestro, Messi - we have to stop the cross field ball that Barca play. If you look at some of their goals from previous CL games, it's a ball across to Messi on the right, who cuts inside onto his left foot and causes mayhem. If Evra has an outstanding game, he can combat Barca's main attacking threat. Team I would pick:

van der Sar

O'Shea Rio Vidic Evra

Carrick Anderson Park

Ronaldo Rooney Tevez

I have nothing left to say."

You know that phrase "The more things change, the more they stay the same"? Two years after writing those words on the eve of a Champions League Final versus Barcelona, here we all are again. The experience of last time has burnt me I'm afraid - as much as I want to, I just can't see us winning it. I'm not sure we're as explosive going forward as before, and we certainly don't have the wildcard of Cristiano Ronaldo anymore either. The scariest thing though? Barcelona are better now then two seasons ago - Villa better than an ageing Henry, Alves better than Puyol (at right back), Abidal better than Sylvinho. I think Messi is better now than he was then, ditto for Iniesta. Their side is not only packed with skill and craft, but with experience and know-how. Their manager is young, but he's won this competition before, and he's won back-to-back La Liga titles. Put simply, they are the best club side in the world, and the best side I've ever seen.

BUT! In a one-off game, every team is beatable. Even this one. Blimey, Arsenal beat them a few months back, so we KNOW it can be done. A poor performance from them, and anything is possible. It'll need one hell of an effort from every player, but I have faith in them. And you'd better believe that if any manager can instigate their downfall, it's the great man himself, the heartbeat of Manchester United, Sir Alex.

A game of this nature means that every football fan - particularly those with a Mancunian leaning - has rambled on about tactics and gameplans etc on their blogs or websites or on their podcasts for a wee while now. To be honest, I'm not into that - I just enjoy watching a good game of football. The excerpt above pretty much stretches my interest of football strategy to the limit. As such, I'm not even going to try analysing the game - if you're interested in that stuff, don't bother with me, go straight to Jonathan Wilson or a Man United blog for your nerd fix. But in terms of line-up, I can only see Fergie going with:

van der Sar

Fabio Rio Vidic Evra

Valencia Carrick Giggs Park

Rooney Chicharito

I'm not sure how I feel about that - I'd perhaps ponder dropping Chicha (which would be harsh on the lad) and putting another midfielder in, either Anderson or Nani. It's a shame Fletcher has been out for so long and won't make it, to be honest, as we're a better side with him in it when he's at the top of his game. The problem is, sticking Rooney up top on his own and putting another central midfield player in suddenly makes us seem very defensive. Teams have tried that in the past against Barcelona but they've always found a way through, and you wonder if it's best just to fight fire with fire. Chicha the highest player forward and Rooney putting in a shift when we don't have the ball? Might be a better bet.

But that's enough of all of that. I'm nervous, but the fact I believe we're underdogs makes it a bit more bearable. With football, it's always the hope that kills me. Prediction? I'm going for:

Barcelona 2 -1 Manchester United

Villa, Messi - Vidic

But I just hope it's a great game. The occasion deserves that, and both teams are more than capable. Enjoy the game, and COME ON UNITED!

Oh We Could Be Heroes

2011-05-25T20:51:00.000+01:00

I'm guilty of doing this a lot, I know, but let me take you back to a previous time. For this blog entry, let's try July, 1999.

It was before dinner one night when I walked into the lounge to find my older brother watching the TV intently. To my amazement, it wasn't Baywatch, Eurotrash or anything with female breasts in, but cycling. CYCLING?! BOR-ING, I thought to myself, and settled down on the couch with a magazine. But with the TV turned up loud and the commentator getting rather excited, I found I couldn't concentrate on reading, and soon I was watching along with my frere. And bloody hell, it WAS exciting! The sands of time have meant that names and teams have slipped out of my mind now, but what I can remember of that day was that it was a classic "flat stage" of the Tour de France - a rider was out in front of the main field, desperately trying to cling on and reach the finish line before the main pack caught up to him and swallowed him up. It was absolutely engrossing, and I loved it. The next night, I sat and watched the highlights through choice. I loved the drama of it all, I loved the fact the race was split into different components (best sprinter, best mountain rider etc) and I loved the countryside of France.

And because it was July, 1999, not only was I introduced to the greatest bike race on the planet, but I was introduced to a brash Texan who's name I'm sure you'll all know, whether you know the sport or not. Who's story I'm sure you'll all know, whether you know the sport or not. What you probably don't know however is how much impact Lance Armstrong had on my life. The 'Tour de Lance'? It was for me, and even though I fell in love with the race, I cannot pretend that I watched it as a neutral. From 1999 through to 2005, I felt like I cycled every step with him. The mere mention of Jan Ullrich's name made me flinch and hiss. I LOL'd at people who criticised him. I couldn't understand how people weren't rooting for him.

There's always been smoke around Lance Armstrong, but for him, his legal team and for staunch supporters like me, it was always easy to blow it away with a wave of the hand. Floyd Landis said something? He's a joke. Tyler Hamilton? Ditto. This French man has said this? He hates Armstrong. David Walsh has co-written a book packed full of rumour and suggestion? Well, he's just a prick anyway. A relatively unknown rider has said something? Oooh, who's Mr Jealous Cakes?! And so on and so forth. You casually dismiss each one, you discredit each one, you move on and hope that the noise subsides. But before you know it, the noise comes back, and it's gotten louder.

A few days ago the US television programme "60 Minutes" reported that George Hincapie, for so long a trusted ally of the Texan, is among three former team mates to testify - to a US federal grand jury, no less - that they saw Armstrong use performance enhancing drugs. It doesn't end there, either - is also believed that Hincapie confessed to supplying his team leader with EPO. With Landis or Hamilton or Andreu you can scoff, but not Big George. As the cycling presenter Ned Boulting tweeted:

"It does seem as if the tipping point was reached last night. The momentum all one way now, surely."

And Hincapie himself? He tweeted:

"I can confirm to you I never spoke with '60 Minutes'. I have no idea where they got their information. As I've said in the past, I continue to be disappointed that people are talking about the past in cycling instead of the future. As for the substance of anything in the '60 Minutes' story, I cannot comment on anything related to the ongoing investigation."

Sometimes, it's not what you say. It's what you don't say.

How do I feel? As someone biased, it would be really easy for me to change tack - start telling you how it doesn't matter, it's in the past, everyone else was at it, the end justified the means, look at his charity work etc. But I can't do that. I'm totally sickened by the whole thing - sickened that I was taken in, that I believed, that I held this man up as something he wasn't, that I proudly wore the wristband telling people to "Livestrong". How the fuck does injecting yourself with shit constitute as living strong, Lance? At this moment in time, there's been no confession - only more denials - and no solid evidence, but Ned Boulting is right, I fear. There's always been smoke, but now we're walking round the corner and seeing the fire.

You know the real tragedy of it all? Much like the baseball player Barry Bonds, it's the continuous denials. If you did it, just be a man and say you did it - don't hide, don't pretend. Don't discredit and ridicule everyone who's telling the truth, the people who are trying to make the world see the light. The American people don't hate Barry Bonds because he took drugs - they hate him because he's a jackass. Like Bonds, Armstrong reached the crossroads and picked the wrong turning. I fancy he'll keep on denying until he can deny no longer, but by that time nothing he says will matter. The damage will be done.

The case of Lance Armstrong does underline one thing however - that I must now accept that sport has to be watched through cynical eyes. There are no heroes, no fairy tales, no magic, no perfect stories. Athletes must never be seen as being "role models" to our young people. I was as shocked as most people were about the identity of the footballer who had an affair with Imogen Thomas - I'm not going to name him here but obviously everyone knows who he is - but looking at him through dispassionate eyes, I realised that as long as he played well for my team, I didn't care. That might be a sad state of affairs, but as The Stranglers said, no more heroes.

On my bookshelf I have these items:

DVD and accompanying magazine about Lance Armstrong
"Lance Armstrong: Images of a Champion"
"23 Days in July: Inside Lance Armstrong's Record breaking victory in the Tour de France"
"Lance Armstrong: Tour de Force"
Lance Armstrong's two autobiographies

When the whole truth is revealed - and it will - if you want any of those items, just let me know. Otherwise they're all going in the bin.

A legacy trashed, forever.

Ban the Banner!

2011-05-16T18:42:00.000+01:00

Evening all.

It's certainly been a very interesting weekend of football here in the United Isles. Before I get to the main theme of my blog entry though, let me just wander off and touch on a few things that the greatest game has given us over the past few days.

1) West Ham United have been relegated, and Avram Grant has been sacked. The only mystifying thing about that sentence is the fact that the Hammers board members - all of whom are stupendous arseholes - left it until the final nail was inserted into their coffin before deciding to replace the most clueless football manager the world has ever seen this side of Les Reed. For any non-football fans reading this, it's difficult to explain to you what an awful, awful manager Avram Grant is. Perhaps it'd be better to just tell you that he's relegated the last two teams he's managed, he had a hand in ousting the greatest manager Chelsea ever had, and he inspired no confidence whatsoever in his players. It is still unclear what UEFA coaching qualifications he actually has, but reports coming out from West Ham's dressing room about his tactical "knowledge" suggest he hasn't got many. No wonder the last rousing half-time speech in there was from captain Scott Parker, not himself.

2) Many congratulations to AFC Telford United on their promotion via the play-offs to the Blue Square Premier - otherwise known by us old farts as the Conference. When I first moved up to Shropshire, Telford United and their ground The Bucks Head became my regular source of football, and though it was a billion miles away from Old Trafford standards I didn't care a jot. The stadium was old and run-down however, so they bulldozed it and replaced it with a gleaming new one (New Bucks Head, funnily enough) which eight years on remains VERY impressive by non-league standards. What happened to Telford United is a story for another day, but after it crashed and burned in 2004 a new team was set up by the fans and they started all over again. The fact that they've got back to the level Telford United were at within seven years is a testament to the magnificent work done down there. I was sceptical, and there's still work to be done, but watching the play-off final made me proud that there's a football club which represents the local community so voraciously as AFC Telford do, and really proud that that club is within walking distance of myself. I wish them all the good luck in the world.

But now I want to get to the matter in hand, and it's concerning this:

3) Manchester United won the Premier League title on Saturday afternoon, their 19th league crown.
4) Manchester city won the FA Cup on Saturday afternoon, ending a 35 year trophy drought.

This story can get complicated but for the sake of everyone I'm going to simplify it down. For the past decade or so there has been a banner at Old Trafford which has displayed the number of years since city, one of our rivals, last won a trophy (a picture of it is below if you've not seen it). Now that city have triumphed in a (largely irrelevant) competition, a discussion has broken out - what to do with "the banner"? As I follow an awful lot of United supporters on Twatter, it's a debate I've been seeing a lot in the last few days. Opinions have generally been divided between:

a) Take it down.
b) Keep it up.
c) Modify it.

but I've not seen anyone yet who's shared my opinion of the banner - that it should never have been there in the first place.

What I love about my football club is that history just seeps out of its every corner - most of it good, some of it bad. If you asked me to name a United Dream XI, I'd struggle, and that'd be just based on players I've seen with my own eyes, never mind including Robson, Law, Charlton, Best, Edwards and more. What I love about my football club is that we're one of the most successful football teams in the world. What I love about my football club is the splendour of the stadium, the fact we have the greatest manager of all time, the Munich tunnel, the proud and loud away support, the fact everyone else hates us, and so much more.

In my opinion, the pride I, and hopefully others, feel in my football club should be reflected by the banners and flags that adorn the ground. We should boast about OUR achievements, OUR players, OUR history and OUR on field prowess rather than spend so much time thinking about others. It's the same for the chants - Patrice Evra? Javier Hernandez? Michael Carrick? No songs for them, but plenty about hating Scousers or city being a small club. Fair enough, I agree with those sentiments, but it's not productive. The only chant we have for Ji Sung Park is about the dubious culinary habits in his native country.

Okay, "the banner" was mildly amusing but it's always been an albatross around our necks. Would it have inspired the city players to try extra hard? I don't know - I doubt they care, actually - but the fact that Roberto Mancini took great delight in saying how they were going to "rip that banner down", and the fact that after their win, the city players paraded a banner saying "0 years" on the Wembley pitch means that you can bet they were aware of it. And now it becomes an embarrassment. Take it down? Cue city fans piping up with "where's your banner gone?" at the next derby. Keep it up, or modify it? Just makes us look obsessed. For what it's worth, in my opinion it has to come down. But in my opinion, it should never have existed.

Take it down, and replace it with something that celebrates Manchester United. Jesus Christ, there's plenty of stuff to choose from.

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

2011-05-04T18:05:00.001+01:00

Wotcha?

Twitter, that horrid little online world of reactionary views and unoriginal jokes, is all abuzz right about now because of a woman called Nadine Dorries.

Dorries, for those of you who don't know, is a Tory Scum MP who recently confessed that her online blog, set up to engage with us "normal" folk, was "mostly fiction" and "relied heavily on poetic licence." She's also been up to funny stuff with a married man, allegedly. Dorries has been making the news today because of comments she made in the Commons earlier, but Twitter is funny in that it's a bit like Chinese Whispers - sometimes things can get twisted and contorted, other times things get spread around even when they're fake (much like a "quote" supposedly said by Martin Luther King the other day) so let's look at what Dorries exactly said:

Teenage girls must be given lessons in how to say no to sex, a Conservative MP has told Parliament. Speaking in the Commons, Nadine Dorries proposed that would result in classes in abstinence, but only for girls aged 13 to 16. She said society was "Saturated in sex" and teenagers should be taught that it was as "cool" to say no to sex as to know how to put a condom on their boyfriend.

"The answer to ending our constant struggle with the incredibly high rate of teenage sexual activity and underage pregnancies lies in teaching our girls and boys about the option of abstinence, the ability to "just say no" as part of their compulsory sex education." she said. "Peer pressure is a key contributor to early sexual activity in our country. Society is focused on sex. Teaching a child at the age of seven to apply a condom on a banana is almost saying 'Now go and try this for yourself.' Girls are taught to have safe sex, but not how to say no to a boyfriend who insists on sexual relations."

So how do we feel about all of that? Personally, I think Dorries is wrong in wanting a branch of sexual education to be taught to a specific gender - in this case, girls. What does that achieve? I have visions in my head of 13 year old girls leaving a classroom and feeling terrified that any boy passing them is going to demand intercourse with them. I don't have a problem with abstinence being mentioned in sex education classes, but to teach children to say "yes" or "no" is extremely unsafe and frankly stupid ground. I also find it horribly moralistic - "You MUST NOT say yes to this boy!" etc. Educate children thoroughly and let them make their own decisions in life. Besides, when I was 15 I remember girls saying "no" to me. Quite often, in fact. Come to think of it they were, and still are, particularly adept at doing that. Gutted.

Some more quotes and opinions can be found here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2011/may/04/nadine-dorries-teenage-girls but I want to move on, because I want this blog post to be about this subject, rather than Dorries herself.

I went to a primary school, a middle school (for half a year) and a secondary school. In all of those days/months/years, the sex education given to me amounted to this:

a) In primary school, one day my class was divided into the boys and girls. The girls went off somewhere, to another room, to talk about God-knows-what. They didn't tell us afterwards, and to this day I don't know. This is a serious point however, which I'll get to in a minute.

Us lads got ushered into a room where we were greeted by a male teacher (there was only two in the school) who was also our football coach (I was the dependable left-back, thankyou very much). My memory is very hazy, I can't really remember what he told us, but it was something about sex - mainly what happened to boys in terms of ejaculation and erections and all the rest of it. We were about 11, and I understood NONE of it. I had no fucking idea what he was talking about, so I stopped listening. I messed about with my friend, and eventually we left the room and went back to class. The talk was never mentioned again.

b) Secondary school. We were about 15, and some cunts (I'm sorry, but they were) came into the school to give us a talk about sex that promised to be "fun". I hated every single fucking second of it - partly because I'm a quiet, shy person, but mainly because I didn't think how these people approached it was in the right manner. Example - at one point, we had to sit around in a big circle, and take turns to say our names but with a sexual term attached to it. For example - Charles Chlamydia, Patrick Penis (Yes, I know, tell me about it) and my poor friend Ivan who, as no-one could think of anything else, got branded Impotent Ivan. The reason behind doing this? I can't tell you - not then, not now. It was fucking awful, and embarrassing, and it achieved precisely nothing, except make me wish the ground could swallow me up. There was a few various other shitty things like that - I think at one point one of the guys waved a condom around to get a laugh - and then that was it. And like primary school, that was sex education done with.

In terms of sex education, my schools failed me. I didn't know it at the time, but whisking the girls away that day in primary school set a precedent in my mind - boys stuff is boys stuff, girls stuff is girls stuff, and clearly I didn't need to know the latter. Periods? Tampons? Female contraceptives? No good asking me, to be perfectly honest. Serious discussions about sexual infections, teen pregnancies, genitalia and non-penetrative sex? At school I was never in the position to discuss or be taught about any of those things.

A lot of people will say it shouldn't be the schools job to teach about sex. I disagree, mainly because a discussion about these things with strangers is better than with parents. Thinking about it, my parents never talked about sex with me. My Dad never talked about "birds and bees", my Mum never taught me about womens health. I suppose that if my schools failed me on this issue, so did my parents.

So how did I learn about sex? Well, we got the internet in 2000, when I was 13, and sitting here now, pretty much everything I know about sex has come from it. Most of that is, admittedly, because I'm a massive pervert and I watch shitloads of pornography, but some of it is because I was curious about stuff - stuff that I felt embarrassed to ask my parents about, stuff which I never got close to learning about at school. As I type this, I look out of my window and I see my little brother. I don't want him to grow up like that - to feel like sex is a taboo subject to be tiptoed around, or to find out what the inside of a vagina looks like by seeing a Dutch girl on a webcam opening her legs up. Who knows where I'll be when he's 12/13 (hopefully in Boston but probably still here) but I like to think that I'll put my arm round him and say "Look, this is no big deal, I'm cool talking about anything at all".

Going back to schools, and wrapping things up, what's the answer? I don't know what secondary school sex education is like right now, as I'm mid-20s, but I hope to God it's better than what I suffered. So much of sex education is based on frivolity. I understand that it's really tough to counter that when you're dealing with teenagers, but I'd like to see a more professional and grown up approach. Instead of having a big laugh, talk to students like they're adults - which they'll be one day, y 'know - and stress that sex shouldn't be a taboo subject but it is one that should be taken seriously. Knowledge is power, and I can't help thinking that perhaps it's a lack of knowledge which results in 17 year old girls walking round with pushchairs and prams. Outside of schools, make condoms more accessible, for fucks sake. Last time I bought some - and my God, it's been a while - I bought two for £3. Two for £3! Since then they've probably gone up in price as well. When I think about that, it doesn't surprise me a great deal that you see youths on The Jeremy Kyle Show who have gone around bonking young women and getting them up the duff. "Put something on the end of it!!!" Kyle will scream at them, but why would they pay that much for something that's seen as "uncool" and "unnecessary"? Knowledge is power, and if their sex education was anything like mine, they simply don't have it.

Thoughts?

It's Time! It's Time! IT'S! LETTERS! TIME!

2011-04-26T16:59:00.000+01:00

I'll give you 100 points if you can tell me what my title is referencing there.

Hallo again all. I've been quiet recently, as you might have noticed. The truth is, a blasted thing called a thessertation is taking up all of my time at the moment. Initially I thought it would be fun to write, as you can choose the topic and warp it into something vaguely interesting. But now that I'm halfway through, I hate it. Please Lord, let me finish it soon. I never want to read a baseball book again, to be perfectly honest.

Nevertheless, I'm not here to moan, but instead to entertain. So, without further ado, let's have a look at some more letters into my local paper, The Sloppy Star. Trust me, some of these are beautiful.

What is happiness?

That's a good question, isn't it? What IS happiness? I don't want to get philosophical, or deep, so I won't. But it is something to ponder on. Let's see what our friend has to say in the rest of his letter. Could he be about to say something interesting, or bonkers?

Clue: I've included it in this blog post.

It could be a round of toast with what you want on it or a toasted sandwich.

Well...I suppose it could be. But it's interesting you say this, because...

I like toast.
I like a toasted sandwich.

But which is better? THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT!!

It might be a slice of homemade bread and butter - delicious for a lot, but not all can celebrate, due to an intolerance to gluten, but could eat a baked potato.

*head explodes*

But to bake a potato properly takes a long time in an energy-using electric or gas oven. What we want is a small compact electric machine to bake a potato, just one to satisfy our desire.

"Romeo and Juliet", copyright Ewar Woowar, 2011:

Romeo: "Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, and let mine desires be sated on the morn!"
Juliet: "My ears have not yet drunk a hundred words of that tongue's uttering, yet I know the sound: O Romeo! I would lay thee down on a bed o' thorns for your love. Embrace mine bosom and satisfy to one's heart content!"
Romeo: "Put your knickers back on and fuck off. I wanted a baked potato, you silly tart."

The bread toaster is well established, also the bread maker and the sandwich toaster.

By the way, I didn't miss the logic in his previous sentence, which was essentially: "Electric oven uses energy, booo! Let's create an electric machine which will...well....use energy."

One day we will have this economic machine for doing one potato as we like it, but when?

The question on everyone's lips.

Malcolm McIntyre-Ure
Llanbrynmair

Welsh. The nutty ones are ALWAYS Welsh.

===========================================================

The Prime Minister has stated that Britain could not stand by and do nothing whilst innocent people are being slaughtered in Libya.

Reasonable.

Really?

Yes.

Britain has been doing that for years with Zimbabwe.

A few years ago, when I was about 18, I'll happily admit I shared this view. But now I'm a bit older, and wiser, I've had to accept the logistics of it all. Mugabe is an evil bastard, but he's also smart. He's pretty friendly with the countries around him, and Zimbabwe is land-locked. Therefore it's pretty much impossible to get troops into there without kicking off an almighty dust up. And with troops already in Iraq and Afghanistan, as well as Libya and Syria teetering on the edge, we can't really afford a big ruckus down Africa way right now. It's sad for the Zimbabwean people - and I went to school with one who had fled - but shit happens, I'm afraid.

But then Zimbabwe has not got oil has it?

Can you excuse me for a second?

*Puts down can of Coke, opens wardrobe and rummages inside. Finds trusty cricket bat. Runs to letter writers address, rings doorbell and patiently waits. Smacks letter writer over the head repeatedly. Runs back home and wipes sweaty brow with cold can*

Apologies for that. Just that blaming everything on "all about oil innit guv?" is the thing I hate the most, this side of "illegal war".

JH Wood
Telford

AKA Jim Wood. We have previous, I'm pretty certain.

I am now very cross indeed. Who's next? I can cope with pretty much anyone except our old friend Val Dunc...

============================================================

Oh, Vince Cable thinks he is prime minister now, does he?

Hello Val.

*Keeps cricket bat nearby*

He's doddering about threatening the government with his nuclear weapons, while Clegg labours under the dream he runs the country.

That sentence is a lot funnier and more interesting when you imagine Cable literally threatening Cameron, Osborne et al with a nuclear warhead.

Cameron thinks educating any kids but our own is "spot on", although I agree with him on too much immigration.

Naturally. Send the buggers back, I say.

Did the big, white elephant in the room finally stamp on him?

Val, we've known each other for a few years now. And I know more than anybody that this letter isn't hitting the spot, y'know? It ain't....you. It isn't you, Val! Come on. Go back to what you're good at.

Meanwhile, the EU

Well done.

stamps all over us and bleeds us to death. The human rights commission tells us what we can and can't do.

Fuck human rights. I'm serious.

Fuck you and your "human rights". It's time they're banned, actually. Let me create a Facebook group for this.

And the directives continue to be rubber-stamped as they pour in. Who, exactly, is in charge here?

Val Duncan
Wellington

Not you, thankfully.

============================================================

Everyone is coming round to the view that there is no military solution to Afghanistan. The Afghan War is a disaster.

Allan Tucker
Oswestry

Thanks Allan! As wrong-headed as ever.

===========================================================

Cut Trident, not jobs, education and health, and no to nuclear power. It's expensive and not worth the risk.

Allan Tucker
Oswestry

Thanks Allan! You've gone 0-2 these past few letters. Have a day off.

===========================================================

The final letter in this clusterfuck was alerted to me by reader and teacher extraordinare Don. Thankyou, sir.

When I do these blog posts I try to pick letters which are silly, and wrong, but coherent enough to have something to discuss and poke fun at. This letter, however....well, you'll see.

So it is a lovely sunny day, the sky is blue...or is it?

An intriguing start, I'm sure you'll agree. In other news, I just had to let it auto-correct "intriguing". The one word I ALWAYS misspell.

Wait a moment the sky is not really blue, it is a hazy white. Why?

I'm excited. Let's go for it.

Did you know that we are systematically and daily being sprayed by government planes with toxic waste that is supposed to stop the global warming problem?

Reading this, I am reminded of a man I like very, very much called Mike Carlson. One or two people reading this will know who he is, I'd wager most people won't however. Basically, Mike Carlson is ace, he's cool, and I wish he was my dad.

I am reminded of Mike Carlson because when he was on Channel 5 a few years back co-presenting their baseball coverage, he used to signify something dumb happening (a bad error on the field, a dumb trade off of it, him getting the trivia question wrong etc) by making his fingers into a gun and pretending to blow his own brains out.

Guess what I'm doing right now?

Think I am talking nonsense, take a look at the sky. There are normal planes that pass by and their vapour trail goes away almost immediately, but then there are the chemtrails sprayed in straight criss cross lines widening and merging into a haze. I have a panoramic view where I live, overlooking Clun and I have been watching them doing this each morning over our hills!

I don't know about you, but there's one word in that paragraph that, to me, jumps out an absolute mile. Can you guess what it is? Have another look, I'll reveal all at the end.

So what is in the spray? Well I am no chemist or biologist

No shit.

but spraying systematic barium and aluminium into the air cannot be doing any of us any good. It is no wonder respiratory diseases, cancers and Alzheimers are on the increase?

I absolutely love the first part of this sentence. Paraphrased: "I don't know what's in the spray, but there's barium and aluminium in the spray."

I personally think this is outrageous. I have not been consulted about this, have you?

Well, yes, I have. You haven't? That's a shame. But it's true, I'm afraid. The good people at WACKJOB (West Midlands Agricultural Corporation Keeping Jobs Over Britain) gave me a call to discuss it. It's all rather exciting! Not too sure why they missed you out.

Something needs to be said and done about this, at least contact your local MP and protest. Our health is at stake and our world, as who knows about the long term effects of this madness.

Jackie Barnes
Clun

What a fitting word to finish on.

Back to that paragraph earlier. Did you spot the give-away word? If you didn't, no worries. If you did, well done! For it was:

"chemtrails".

Because that word just seemed really odd, slotted into the middle of a letter like that. It was almost a tell-tale sign that this lunatic has been reading stuff from other people which she's swallowed whole, and is now regurgitating this crap whilst her head spins round in a Linda Blair-esque fashion. I was intrigued by this word, so I Googled it, and naturally my fears were sadly founded. It's all a rather sad, bogus conspiracy:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chemtrail_conspiracy_theory

Apologies for the wikipedia link, but then again I AM a student. Which reminds me, I have better things to be doing right now.

Like taking a nap. Ciao for now.

Wolverhampton, We Have A Problem

2011-04-13T16:01:00.000+01:00

The other day I stood on the platform of my local train station, took a deep breath and boarded my train. I wasn't heading anywhere new, and the journey was one I'd undertaken many, many times before. You see, I was off to my university - aka The Hegemon - to use the (surprisingly good) library resources and crack on with some work.When I say "work", I mean "blog". When I say "blog", I mean "catch up on last week's episode of 'OMG! With Peaches Geldof'".

But this time I was slightly excited. Because I'd been thinking about my university, and about universities in general. They're great, aren't they? Inside just one university building you'll find so many great minds and learned people. And I'm not just talking about the lecturers either - this is Higher Education. This is young, intelligent people striving to fulfil themselves academically, as well as the "more mature" folk like me who try desperately to cling onto their youth. But whatever the age, every uni student is there for one reason - to showcase their knowledge. To voice their opinions. To inform, and to contribute. To prove to the moaning OAPs that the kids ARE alright. Universities are fine places, I reflected as I got off the train, and The Hegemon is certainly one of them.

I began to make the walk from the station down to The Hegemon, and as I did so my mind began to wander, until eventually I found myself thinking about a piece of uni work I've been writing for a while. That in turn led me to thinking about Simon and Garfunkel - I'd referenced one of their lyrics and I couldn't work out whether it was genius or patronising - which in turn led me to wonder what my favourite lyric of theirs was. I pondered it for a while, before I settled on this one, from my favourite song of theirs:

"And the sign said, 'The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls...and tenement halls'"

That's good that, innit? If you want the words of true prophets, don't turn to any holy book, or any scripture. Walk down to your local underground station, or the nearby underpass, or look at the dark corridor in your block of flats. That's where you'll find wisdom.

By this time I was in the uni library, and after booting up my computer I thought I'd just pop to the toilet. Taking my phone with me, I walked to the toilet with all the stuff I had been thinking about still very much in mind.

And then I didn't know what to think.

So I sat there, with racism and xenophobia on one wall, and Nazi insignia on the other. I sat there, stuck in the middle, like Gerry Rafferty. And then some more lyrics popped into my head, and as I silently walked back into the library, passing blacks, Asians, whites, Indians, Muslims and others, I realised they weren't going away any time soon. They still haven't.

"Father, father
We don't need to escalate
You see, war is not the answer
For only love can conquer hate
You know we've got to find a way
To bring some loving here today"

Jennifer Rush - The Power of Twitter

2011-04-05T18:12:00.000+01:00

Wow, what a day. And what a medium Twitter is. To explain, here's the full story.

On weekday mornings I normally take hold of the previous days Sloppy Star and read it whilst having breakfast. Today was no different, and as I sat down at the kitchen table with my crumpets with Bovril on (try it, it's good) I flicked through the paper as usual, browsing the letters page with interest before working my way through to the cryptic crossword which is a nice warm-up for my brain. It is Monday, and on Mondays there's a special football segment in the middle of the paper. It concentrates on all the local teams - AFC Telford, Shrewsbury Town, Wolves - and then the Midlands teams further afield, Villa, Birmingham, WBA etc. After all the match reports and tables there's an opinion page, and strike me down if it isn't penned by Ron "Big Ron" Atkinson.

Or is it? You see, most of these things are ghost-written, with the paper's journalist phoning the chosen "famous person" up and constructing a piece around what that person says on the phone. I do not know whether Atkinson writes these things himself or not - I doubt it - but in the interest of simplicity, let us assume he does.

So I'm sitting eating my crumpets and drinking my tea as I cast my eye over Atkinson's main piece. It's about Wayne Rooney, and "Sweargate" which I'm sure you know all about by now. The line taken by Atkinson's piece is an interesting one - that Rooney does these things because he's angry and frustrated, mainly because his relationship with the Manchester United supporters has broken down after the contract negotiations a few months ago. This is a fair angle - there are a number of United supporters who have lost faith/love in Rooney. I read United forums and messageboards, and I follow enough United fans on Twitter to know there's a myriad (great word) of opinions about our Scouse Number 10. So there I was enjoying the column when I read the fifth paragraph. And I read it over and over and over, until every word had sunk in. I quote verbatim:

"I noticed that when United were trailing West Ham 2-0 in the first half and Rooney went over to take a throw-in nearby them, a chant of 'You're not fit to wear the shirt' broke out.

After reading it for the fifth time, I frowned. You see, I watched the game on television, and hadn't heard that chant. I had not read ANYWHERE anyone saying that chant was aired, nor ANYONE talking about it anywhere in the media. All those forums and messageboards I mentioned? I had a quick browse on them - nothing. On Twitter? Nope. Not a sausage.

And then I read another article by Big Ron which further complicated the mystery. I'll quote verbatim again:

"Yet again we find ourselves marvelling at Super Kev (Phillips). I was at Birmingham on Saturday..."

Birmingham vs Bolton, which kicked off at 15:00. The West Ham United vs Manchester United game kicked off at 12:45, so from this we can conclude that Atkinson wasn't at the game in London, and instead (presumably) watched the game from a TV set. Okay, that's fine, but how then did he hear a chant that I didn't? I'm always keeping an ear out for what the United crowd are singing when I'm watching.

So this is when I went to Twitter. I got in touch with two guys who work for manutd.com who are on there, and asked them if they knew anyone who was actually at the game, supporting United in the away end. They didn't, but both were kind enough to publicise my question to all of their followers. Soon I was absolutely drowned in responses (and follows, amusingly) and in the frenzy I shook my head wryly and realised that if anyone ever tries telling you that Twitter isn't useful, they're talking out of their arse.

I got swamped with replies, too many to mention - although I'll tally them up later - but the gist of all of them was exactly the same: "That never happened. Anyone who says that either misheard or is lying." But Big Ron seemed pretty definite. Let's have it again:

"I noticed that...a chant of 'You're not fit to wear the shirt' broke out."

There's no room for leeway there - no "I think I heard" or "I thought I noticed" - none of that. It's a definitive statement. Shame it's not true. I'm used to people writing/talking about United. As us Reds say "United - loved, hated, but never ignored" and over time I've had to accept that people who hate the club will write or say stuff which I won't agree with. But to just blatantly lie is really poor form, in my opinion. It may not be a big thing, granted, but it portrays United fans in a bad light. Some of them may not like Rooney, agreed, and some have criticised certain players for not being good enough, but an orchestrated chant of "You're not fit to wear the shirt"? No. Never.

Which is why once I've published this blog post, and gone to get some dinner, I'm e-mailing The Slop. They really are living up to their nickname if they can't even be bothered to check facts.

Several Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest

2011-03-24T15:35:00.000Z

It's been a while, so let's slip back into the familiar routine of looking at some letters into The Sloppy Star, pointing at them and then ridiculing them. There's a few to get through this time around, so let's dive straight in:

Sean Bayley calls me homophobic and other vitriolic names for defending the guesthouse couple who refused to give two homosexuals a double bed.

You remember this case, I hope? It's a very tricky one - a Christian couple who own a guesthouse refused to let two gay men stay overnight, based on their religious beliefs. They claimed that if they initially knew they were gay, they would have said they weren't welcome before they pitched up there. As it was, they turned up, got told to clear off, it went to court and it all got very messy.

I find this one very tough to call. On one hand, shops don't have to serve people, and if a biker goes to a pub he can be asked to leave and he can't do a damn thing about it. This couple own a guesthouse, which is also their home, so if they don't want someone in there they're entitled to say "no". HOWEVER in this case, their view is so appalling, so antiquated and so misguided that I find myself opposing them vehemently. And there was me thinking that God loved everyone.

What do you guys think? I'm genuinely undecided. What I am certain of however is that on this topic, sensible, grown up debating is required. No prejudice and no nonsense. So, with that in mind, let's read the rest of the letter!

Well I don't hate gays, but like most people I find the practice abhorrent.

Ah good. This will be an important contribution to the debate.

I feel sorry for the one per cent who are born that way, but for the rest it is a lifestyle choice, accepted, even encouraged in the media and sick magazines.

I interviewed Graham Norton the other day - nice man. When I asked him about his homosexuality, he told me he realised he was gay after reading about it in a "sick magazine". Interesting.

We will regret allowing it being taught to our children. Anything which is unnatural is contrary to God's law and the whole nation will pay the price for allowing it.

Ron Jones
Oswestry

I wonder if Irish Catholic priests abusing and raping children is contrary to God's law?

Let's move on before I get too irate. Needless to say though, Ron Jones goes on the list.

=========================================================

Sixty years ago during National Service with the RAF we airmen were given something to eat similar to mashed potato but tasting just like candle grease.

Right.

I was bitterly disappointed and threw it in the bin.

I see.

Most RAF stations supplied food like my dear late mother made or the fare at the five star Grosvenor Hotel in Chester or the Buck Hotel in Bangor-on-Dee.

Right.

The corporal cook threatened to put me on a charge so I told him "please yourself". However, support came from an ex-Royal Navy man and police corporal.

I see.

The next day, the messing sergeant - a real gentleman - apologised to me "We're having real mashed potato from now on Taff," he said.

Right.

Let's drink to potatoes and vegetables.

Mr Emyr Davies, Wrexham

I just don't really know what to say here. On one hand, this man is clearly elderly, so to mock his irrelevant and uninteresting story would be poor form. On the other hand though, he's Welsh, so fuck it.

=========================================================

So, Desperate Dave,

Nobody has ever called David Cameron that, ever.

badly rattled over the incompetent coalition's mishandling of the Libyan crisis,

Incompetence and mishandling that has passed everyone else in the world by, clearly.

has come out fighting and suddenly appears to relish a war of his own. He threatens to unleash fire and brimstone, a flash man vowing to send the bits of the armed forces he hasn't sacked or sent to the breakers yard. Cameron talks of a no-fly zone while at the same time firing pilots and decommissioning the aircraft carrier HMS Ark Royal. He thinks that Libya could be his Falklands.

This is a real mixed bag, this paragraph. There's some good, there's some bad and then there's some utter bollocks. I particularly enjoy the bit about David Cameron apparently believing that Libya "could be his Falklands". It is true that there have been severe cutbacks in our defence budget, which disappoints me a lot, but then I'm a boy so I'm excited by things that go whizz-bang and have the capacity to unleash sulphur.

The British response to the wave of unrest sweeping North Africa and the Middle East needs a cool head, not a hot-head in power.

Which currently it has. How lovely that the Government (of which I'm not a fan) has been largely praised for the handling of this difficult situation so far (emphasis on the words "so far", your Honour) whilst letters like this are being flinged around by idiots.

John and Jackie Pond
Shrewsbury

I was curious to know what goes on at the Pond residence, so I sneaked round there the other night, crouched under their front window and listened in on their conversation. Fascinating. I taped it as well, it went like this:

John: "Bad news love."
Jackie: "Go on, what?"
John: "Gaddafi is fighting back in Libya, and has just gone on state radio to inform the nation that he's coming round to murder as many people as he can. Women, children, grandparents, doesn't matter."
Jackie: "Oh my god! What can we do?!"
John: "Well, the right thing to do would be to get a coalition of many countries together, get UN backing, and then implement a no-fly zone over the country. To do that they first have to take out his military centres and tanks that are on their way to Benghazi. That would stop his army in their tracks!"
Jackie: "But that would involve missiles! People will get hurt! That's completely unacceptable!"
John: "My God! You're right! Thank goodness we belong to an unbelievably spineless organisation such as 'Stop The War'!"
Jackie: "Exactly. Best thing is just to ignore it. All these wars solely for oil, it's disgusting. Cucumber sandwich?"
John: "Thankyou. I love the sandals."

=========================================================

Once again Barmy Blair

Bliar. You won't believe this, but I met Tony and Cherie again the other day, at the local cinema. I asked Tony what film they were going to watch, and he told me "The Adjustment Bureau" before walking off to buy some popcorn. At that moment Cherie leaned in and whispered into my ear that actually they were there to see "The King's Speech"!!!

That man just CANNOT help himself!

and Clown Brown have shown their extraordinary powers of judgement.

I see what you did there.

They both regaled the reformed Colonel Gaddafi and embraced him into the fold (they are both of course barristers).

I have literally no fucking idea what that last bit is all about. Nevertheless, both men were correct in meeting the man and trying to Westernise him at the time, I believe. It's a shame things haven't exactly worked out, but I can't blame them for trying.

Well Gaddafi has shown he is still the mad dog he always was. No doubt this has enhanced both their global standings. Oh is the price of gold still rising?

D L Barnett
Arleston

I remember blogging about you before. Nice to see you're still wrong.

Anyone else? I'm tired, so let's just have one more.

=========================================================

If I look forward five or six years, I can actually foresee the possibility of UKIP winning a general election.

*Spits out tea all over keyboard in shock.*

*Cleans keyboard, takes another sip and then spits it out again, just for a laugh.*

I think the Lib Dems will disintegrate before much longer, forcing an increasingly unpopular Tory Government to limp into an early general election, which Labour will win, before very quickly finding themselves even more unpopular with an impatient and deeply disaffected electorate. By then, the festering eurozone crisis will have created deep fractures within the EU and the burden of our own financial contribution to shoring it up will create the right conditions for seismic political change.

Bob Jenkins
Stirchley

I wish that in life we had a mute button, both for voices and letters.

There's so much shit in that paragraph I'd love to wade through, but I'm as bored as you are and I want to go and watch the cricket. So let me just say this to you, Robert:

"I, Ewarwoowar III, state at this moment in time (15:23 on the 24th March 2011) that if the United Kingdom Independence Party, otherwise known as UKIP, win a British General Election in the next six years, I will thus change my name, officially, to "Nigel Farage" as well as resigning from the UK's #1 rated entertainment blog, "The Rise and Rise of Tim Lovejoy". So let it be said, so let it be written."

Remind me of that in six years time, won't you?

Red Nose Day 2011 Live-Blog Spectacular...AND IT'S LIVE!

2011-03-18T16:57:00.081Z

16:33 Welcome, wilkommen, and bienvenue, for what should be a scintillating, savage, saucy, sexy and spectacular Comic Relief night, live on Channel 1 of the British Broadcasting Corporation. And rest assured, if I'm live-blogging it, I'll be with you for every step of the way. Or will I?! More on that in a bit.

The first Red Nose Day was in February, 1988. Of course, nowadays so much has changed since then. At that time, Liverpool FC were a fading force, Colonel Gaddafi ruled Libya, and Lenny Henry was about as funny as a dead gran. Whereas nowadays....

Another thing that hasn't changed is the popularity of the day, so over twenty years later, here we all are now, once again. I know what you're thinking - the event doesn't start till 19:00, Ewar! I know that, my friends, but we have a bit to get through before the big kick-off. I'll let you know more in a few minutes. If you're not doing anything or not going out tonight, keep this page open, and join my guests and I for what should be an outstanding night!

Any comments are very much welcomed, as are tweets. Got a tweet you want publishing? Hook me up on the Twitter machine at @ewarwoowar86 if so. How very modern.

17:45 The important stuff:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/rednoseday/aboutrednoseday/
http://www.bbc.co.uk/rednoseday/dosomething/
https://donate.comicrelief.com/donation/
http://myworld.ebay.co.uk/therealcomicrelief/

18:46 So, here we are now. Dinner is done, and we are moments away from the big kick-off. EXCITING NEWS! Things will be a little different for this live-blog, compared to others I've done in the past. I've had a few helpers before, but this time we're to do it in shifts - ie. I'm doing an hour and a half, before Dan takes over. What is also very exciting is that for tonight I'm welcoming a special guest blogger, so please say a big hello to Football365 Forum legend and all-round good egg Thom, who will be joining us later on in the evening. I'm really looking forward to reading his thoughts. You'll pick up the rota as we go along, but just in case you really care enough to want to know what's happening - it's me to begin, then Dan, then Thom, then me.

It is now 18:58, so here we go...

19:00 Starting with Lenny Henry, fucking hell. I can't stand the man. Should he not be watching this on a crappy Premier Inn television somewhere?

19:02 Claudia Winkleman - MILF? Discuss.

Her sister though! Phwoar!

19:04 "All The King's Speech did for the awareness of speech impediments undone by Lenny Henry in less than 2 minutes. Pretty impressive." - Thom aka @PBC13. Told you he was good.

19:06 If I go remarkably quiet, probably means a "serious bit" is on. Impossible to be funny about these bits, and would be stupid to even try. So, yeah.

19:08 By the way, absolutely no love for Michael McIntyre on my Twitter feed right now. I don't think he's terrible, but he's awfully "safe", isn't he? The comic you can imagine your nan liking.

19:12 I've never seen "Outnumbered". One of my friends thinks it's "absolutely shit", another really loves it. Funny old world innit? Anyway, we have an "Outnumbered" special with Andy Murray, not a man known for his humour, although he's doing a decent job here.

19:14 "Are you British or English?" "Depends if I win or not." Boom. Smashed it out of the park right there, fantastic. Even made me LOL.

19:19 Ha, it's time for Doctor Who. Someone who'll be with you later LOVES this programme, whereas I don't. Mind you, this redhead is gorgeous. She's a very solid 8/10.

19:26 "I was blind, now I can see!" says an African woman, presumably whilst listening to "Movin On Up" by Primal Scream on her iPod.

(Sorry)

19:33 OMFG IT'S THE WANTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not a clue, to be honest. At least two of them look gay though.

19:35 "Piddle, I missed the first Doctor Who thing. And now I have to hear The Wanted as punishment. Clungebutter." - @vivelesteve

19:43 It's Celebrity Masterchef! With the aforementioned Claudia, Ruby fucking Wax(!!!) and Miranda Hart, who seems to be on EVERYTHING at the moment. They are apparently cooking for the Prime Minister. It's very japes!

19:46 "Gregg from MasterChef looks like an angry egg." - @td_ward

19:51 Helen Skelton doesn't scrub up too badly you know...

20:00 "Here's a song from two members of McFly." Dougie? Ah, no, surprisingly not.

20:03 Scott Mills standing next to Dermot O'Leary there. One is openly gay, the other absolutely isn't. Honest. Absolutely not gay whatsoever. No idea what you mean by "rumours". Dermot O'Leary is 100% absolutely not gay.

Maybe.

20:05 "If Lorraine Kelly gets her knockers out, I'll donate 50p." - my good friend @MitchthePunk there. Not too sure what to say about that.

20:09 Nice bit of upskirt there from Davina McCall.

20:14 I like Miranda Hart, really I do. But when she's on with Louie Spence I hope to God I'm somewhere else. Now we're onto an 'Autumnwatch' skit with Harry Hill!

20:15 And is that Chris Packham?! Blimey. He reminds me of Michaela Strachan, who was certainly worth a WACADAY.

20:17 Sad seeing Shaun Ryder like this, I won't lie. Like Johnny Rotten doing butter adverts.

20:18 BERNIE CLIFTON!

20:25 Thandie Newton! We've had some honeys tonight, haven't we?

Anyway, that's it from me, for now. After a brief pause, providing I've got all the logistics correct, and all the processors have processed properly, will be my boy Daniel Edmonds aka @spotify_tapes.

Take it away Dan!

======================================================

20:33 Hello. How are you? It's been a while. You're married now! Wow. Great. David Cameron will be happy to hear that as long as he survives this Miranda Hart meal. Anyway, look forward to an hour and half of my nonsense. After 9 there should be some swearing so something might actually be humorous.

20:44 Hard hitting Eastenders episode thing beset by technical errors. That's live television. While we're waiting let's have a babe top 3 so far: 3) Helen Skelton who walked along a wire 2) Roni Acona who walked across a desert but number 1) is Steve Jones who'd grown a spectacularly rugged beard.

20:55 Everything's gone a bit deep and serious. Without wishing to get too analytical the serious bits have been really good tonight. And whatever you think of Lenny Henry, funny or unfunny, he does a good job with this sort of stuff. Fair play to him.

21:05 If this is a film about the effects of drugs, including alcohol, I think the kids are getting pissed on more than a bitesize can of Skol. This is a bit too depressing if I'm honest. Makes Michael McIntyre passable. Bring back the funnies.

21:08 That Eastenders thing was really, really, really ineffective. Christ, I feel like smoking some stuff myself now after that.

21:14 Here's Dermot O'Leary! A man who is definitely not gay. As we clarified earlier. Definitely not. Oh and here come Take That with their experimental new song.

21:33 Ant & Dec are appearing on as many TV shows as possible here. 900,000 people watch the Alan Titchmarsh Show and 1.2 million people watch Loose Women. That's an estimate of just over 2,000,000 stupid wankers.

21:44 As if further proof were needed Peter Kay has lost whatever it was he had. And Susan Boyle as well. Why? Just why? There has been absolutely no funny content within this segment. I feel like bawling my eyes out. Either that or stabbing them with a fork.

21:54 While Adele is crooning away, I'll sign off. It's not been a particularly funny night, but it's been a fairly emotive one. The videos have been superb which more than makes up for the lack of comedy. That's what we're all here for, right? Thom is up next, you can catch him on twitter over at @PBC13. He's a goodun. Switch over to BBC2 now!

======================================================

22:00 Hello everyone! Look! My first half hour is on BBC2, that makes me alternative. Hurrah. Sadly though I am going to have to stomach Robbie Williams for a little while apparently. Cruel.

22:05 I think that Take That sketch might have been funny. I find hard to focus on anything other than blind rage when Williams is around. Sorry about that.

In other news I'd like to add; Lenny, Lenny, Len!

22:10 Lenny, Lenny, Len just walked on hot coals and swore. Shit just got real! Oh look! Here is Miranda and one of the countries many Louie Spence's.

22:16 And here he is! Spence! Ewar loves him, he does. Loves him to pieces.

I hope the fella out of JLS does a backflip, love all that.

22: 19 My favourite JLS is the one who looks like he has a thyroid complaint. Like a black Marty Feldman he is.

22:21 Steve Jones Fact: I once had a piss next to him at London Zoo. Also as pointed out earlier, he does have a lovely rugged beard.

22:28 Chefs singing Rick Astley is happening on the television. One of said chefs is Rusty Lee. What can you say about that really?

22: 35 This seems like some kind of elaborate punishment. Perhaps these chefs have done something wrong to deserve it.

It's Rick Astley. No one expected that. NO ONE! NO ONE I TELL YOU!

22:42 I like James Corden. I know that might be controversial to some, but it's true. Please stay with me though. By the way we are on BBC1 now. I've hit the big time! And here's George Michael. I consider myself a George Michaelist(I like him is what that means)

"You're a joke George, Comic Relief is about helping people like you!"

I like this. It's funny.

22:49 This is excellent! I love it. Bonus Keira Knightley as well. I am all for that. I'd like to touch her.

22:59 I think I have got the best of the night so far! Some funny stuff in the last hour. And the serious films seem to have had a lot of impact this year, even more so than usual.

23:09 This Downton Abbey sketch has got gradually more funny. Also Tim Vine is in it, I once played in a Christian 5-A-Side tournament against him. Very surreal! I'm not even religious!

23:15 Lenny and Fearne have been replaced by Jonathan Ross and "Claudia Winkey-Man" as I think Lenny, Lenny, Len called her. I think I am being replaced soon too. This blog is soon to be back in the arms of it's loving parent and Louie Spence mega-fan, Mr Ewar Woowar.

23:21 Annie Lennox has just tweeted to say she will be performing live at around midnight. If I didn't know that I would have guessed that. That woman loves charity almost as much as she loves androgyny and synth-pop.

I am quite enjoying the blokes from The Inbetweeners looking for rude place names. I once drove past a place on the way to Manchester called Pimbo. Not rude, but quite funny all the same!

23:22 OH MY GOD LORD, IT'S THE DOCTOR!

23:25 I am not going to be able to add anything to Alan Partridge. No one is reading this while Partridge is on anyway! Excellent stuff.

23:29 My time is pretty much up now. I've had fun, I hope some one is still reading this.

WAIT... is this George Michael song a joke? I like him, but this is bad. It's like David Brent!

Anyway, back to Ewar. Goodbye everyone.

Hello Ewar!

======================================================

23:33 Hello Thom, and thankyou for some great blogging! So the circle has come back round to myself, and I'll be here with you until the close of play, which I believe is 1:30am. It better be, anyway, as I'll be watching 'Unsolved Mysteries' on CBS Reality channel at 1:45am. It seems like I've missed a lot - I've not been watching since I cleared off at 20:30 as watching the whole way through would have driven me mad - but there's still a lot to come. First up, here are Elbow. Overrated.

23:41 Well, that was shit. I've never really "got" Elbow.

23:46 Partridge! Excellent. I honestly think the second series of "I'm Alan Partridge" is one of the greatest things that has ever been created.

23:51 Just to clarify - Louie Spence is a stain on society and will be the second person sent off to the camps when I'm Supreme Leader. Can you guess who will be the first?!

23:56 Peter Drury.

00:00 Can't believe I missed that 24 hour panel show thing, looks right up my street. That isn't a joke about David Walliams.

00:06 You'll notice I won't blog as much as I did at the start of the evening. Fatigue plays a part in that - Chris Moyles thinks he had it tough - and also there's going to be lots of stuff repeated soon, as well as lots more of the serious stuff. But I said I'd stick it out to the end, so here we are.

00:10 Gervais! Merchant! Pilkington! BAZINGA! BOSH! Love these fuckers.

00:15 Yeah, they're dragging this out too much. Why not just show it in one continuous form?

00:18 Jon Culshaw impersonating Ross Kemp on a visit to Kellogg's? Why? The real man not available?!

00:23 "I thought Culshaw's impression of Jade Goody was a tad insensitive." - @td_ward

00:33 After a really quite depressing ten minutes, we have The Inbetweeners looking for rude place names. Trying a tad too hard to be "edgy" perhaps, but it's decent.

00:40 Loving the Armstrong and the Miller. Right now, that's all I've got.

00:45 Alan Carr playing up to the fact that he's a homosexual to get laughs. In 2011, this is just really, really sad.

00:54 Not much going on - at the moment it's a serious film with Russell Brand. It does however have a backing of 'Welcome Home' by Radical Face which is a top, top tune, literally.

01:00 Not entirely sure why they need a celebrity version of "Newport State of Mind" but here it is. Oh my god, Howard Marks. Wow.

01:02 JOSIE D'ARBY!

01:04 "You just don't see enough Shakin' Stevens on telly these days." - @Spoony79UK

01:13 Thankyou to the person who landed on my blog after googling "Red Nose Day is shit". In all seriousness, had loads of readers tonight, not entirely sure how many but since 7pm somewhere between 50-100. I don't normally get that many in a week!

01:24 "Axis of Awesome!" These guys are genuinely good, and funny. Reason they've been relegated to this time slot?! C'mon Beeb.

01:29 That was, quite literally, awesome.

01:31 I had it in mind that this thing ended at 1:30am, but it's past that now and it's still going, with a comedy highlight thing to come. But that's it for me.

I wish there wasn't a Comic Relief night, you know. I'm not talking about Lenny Henry when I say that, what I'm saying is that I wish there was no need for it. No need to raise £70m or whatever the final total will be for starving children in Africa, abused children in this country and any other person suffering in any other country.

It's a pipedream, I know. In ten years time they'll be wheeling out Alan Carr again and we'll do it all over again. We'll feel sad and perhaps cry at the videos, and we'll wonder whether there will ever be a day when there would be no need for this night.

Pretty sad, isn't it?

Night.

Take A Bow, Rebecca Black

2011-03-15T16:49:00.001Z

Yes indeedy, it's the new sensation that's sweeping it's way across the internet at breathtaking speed!

You may remember I blogged about Justin Bieber a few weeks ago. The awful thing is that the way 'Biebs' was successfully manufactured has not passed others by, so now record companies are trying this trick with other teeny boppers. If they give 50 of them a go, and just 1 pays off and rakes in millions, the fact that the other 49 are awfully shite doesn't really matter.

There is so much I can say about this song/video, but to be honest a) you can probably make your own mind up about it and b) it's causing such a furore that you've probably read everybodys thoughts about it already. Needless to say, it's not great.

Rebecca Black, here's to your 15 minutes of fame dear:

Talking of, well, Friday, I'll be live-blogging Red Nose Day/Night this Friday evening from 7pm.* Make a note of that in your diaries, it should be a lot of fun. Well, probably not, but you know. Please do join me and hopefully some others then!

*Providing death and man-flu stays away.

The One Where I Could Share A Kebab With Dido

2011-03-10T20:27:00.000Z

Well gosh my giddy aunt, what a fuss!

"Twit Relief" isn't even a day old, yet already it's caused so much commotion and uproar on Twitter. For those not on the social networking site, and are perhaps unaware of what I'm talking about, let me guide you through this.

We are in Comic Relief territory, with Red Nose Day itself coming up next Friday (Important Ewar note! I hope to be live-blogging the event. Make sure to set your alarms and join me for that) so charity fund-raising and shenanigans are on-going. Now the good people at Comic Relief wanted to do something a bit special, a bit more interesting than getting Lenny Henry to run a marathon in a dog costume, or John Barrowman to take a bath in baked beans. So they came up with "Twit Relief".

The premise of it is this: Comic Relief have recruited over 100 "famous" people (I hate that phrase and I'll touch on that later) and put them up on eBay listings with the public allowed to bid on them. Winning bids go to the charity, obviously. The main crux of the matter was Twitter-based. The chosen "famous" person would 'follow' the auction winner on Twitter, would 're-tweet' them and talk to them on there. That was good, but a bit hollow, so they've also put up various other goodies and prizes for the winner - I'll list a few in a minute, some are genuinely awesome.

It's all for charity, and it's just a bit of silliness yet Twitter has gone slightly potty over this today. I thought this would be a better blog entry if I kept my opinion out of it initially, and presented some opinions from supporters and critics. So, here's a selection:

Got too much cash? Crave the empty validation of forcing a minor celebrity to read your mooings? #twitrelief: parting fools and their money. (@ViveLeSteve)

#twitrelief will do nothing but force those celebs who ignore your messages anyway, to reply once and then forget you exist. (@Orbette)

Isn't the #twitrelief outcry a touch hypocritical? Let those who have never followed a celebrity cast the first stone.. (@McGuireDavid)

It's the self-important, self-serving nature of the people doing it that grates. (@Philaldo9)

Those complaining about #twitrelief, you know it's for charity, right? Clean water programs, that kind of thing? (@Glinner)

Thanks for the #twitrelief info. Sounds awful. Awfulness for charity. (@td_ward)

Well hot damn! Every tweet I read on this and every opinion I take in just makes my mind even more muddled. I acknowledge every tweet above, and I can certainly see what the critics are saying. You see, this doesn't look great. I mentioned earlier how I hated the phrase "a famous person". Because who is famous? Someone might get a degree in Broadcasting, put on a suit, walk to BBC Studios and present a live gameshow/chat show/panel show. Does that make them somehow better than you or I? Not really, in my opinion. It means they have a job in the public eye.

I think in relation to Twitter, this is even more interesting. When I load up my Twitter program called Tweetdeck, it always strikes me how the people I care about, the people I'm really interested in, the people who's tweets I always read and look forward to reading, are the so called riff-raff, the people who aren't famous. I follow about 600 people, and I follow "famous people" (eurgh) and "non-famous people" (eurgh) but I guarantee you it's the latter that are more interesting. If someone put a gun to my head and asked me to 'unfollow' half of those 600, and leave me with 300, I wouldn't unfollow @Vicky1978, @PBC13, @benjaminjudge, @Sidekick28, @spotify_tapes (well, maybe I would), @MFoxx2 and SO MANY others I could name. It'd be Kim Kardashian, it'd be Kylie Minogue, it'd be Charlie Sheen. Oh, they're famous, but they're fucking boring/insane.

For me, what I love about Twitter isn't the latter. It's the former - making new friends, talking to people I wouldn't have ever met otherwise and enjoying the creativity of others. I've sent Christmas cards to people I like on Twitter, which was pretty cool. All of this is why I find the whole "Winner of this auction will have Boy George following them!!" a bit shit. A) So what, and B) He was in an 80s band who did a few catchy songs but that's it. He's not a super-human. My boy "G" was right in his tweet which you see above - what an awfully hollow, empty "validation".

The list hasn't been finalised yet - they seem to be putting one auction an hour up on this site http://bit.ly/eclf64 - but there are so many people I like taking part. Christian O'Connell, Richard Curtis, Nick Frost, Miranda Hart, Alexander Armstrong, Chris Addison, Krishnan Guru Murphy, Graham Linehan, Emma Kennedy, Marcus Brigstocke and others. These are good people! And Linehan's tweet is relevant - it's for charity, it raises serious money, these guys are doing what they can. And some of the prizes ARE great - a walk-on extra part in Curtis's next film, an actual bloody Morph(!), rugby coaching session with Martin Corry, signed IT Crowd script, passes to Silverstone and many more. There's something for everyone.

All of which leads me to feel even more confused than I did at the start of this blog post. So it's over to you - this a good idea, or patronising and ill-thought out?

Met Check

2011-03-03T13:28:00.000Z

Hallo all.

At the moment I'm really quite busy. As well as other stuff, I've just started writing my thessertation (my name for this project which 50% of people say 'thesis', other 50% say 'dissertation) which is very scary and very difficult. However, I'm cracking along well, and I'm very satisfied with the 13 words I've put down so far.

What this means though is that right now I don't have an awful lot of time to ponder, research, and then write blog posts. And there was you thinking I just put down any old shit - oh no, a lot of effort goes into TRAROTL. Admittedly, 75% of that effort is from Val Duncan (who's annoyingly quiet at the moment). Nevertheless, I thought I would just throw something out there, as I'm such an awful attention-seeker.

Have you met any "famous" people? I have, and I enjoy telling Dan all about my meetings with the illuminati (not entirely sure that's the right word) often, which drives him mad. Particularly as he can only counter with "Some West Brom player handed me some exam results once." An anecdote so bad, I've honestly forgotten who it was.

Anyway, in the spirit of this thread: http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=925567 here's who I've met. I'll try and remember them all, but I know I won't.

FOOTBALL

Peter Schmeichel - alright.
Roy Keane - dickhead.
Paul Scholes - quiet.
Ruud van Nistelrooy - alright.
Kieran Richardson - flirted with my step-sister.
Ole Gunnar Solskjaer - a true gent.
John Hollins - nice.
Gary Stevens - okay, bit surly, but then I did interrupt him having lunch with his son so forgiven.

GOLF

Rory McIlroy - top, top fella.
Colin Montgomerie - as you'd expect. Let's just say that.
Thomas Bjorn - bit surly, but managed to sign an autograph whilst carrying a golfbag and smoking, which impressed me.
Darren Clarke - physically imposing.
Paul McGinley - legend.
Paul Lawrie - bit miserable.

DARTS

Adrian Lewis - top, top fella. Called me "ducky".
Gary Anderson - top, top fella. Legend.
Phil Taylor - alright. No more, no less.
Raymond van Barneveld - dickhead.
Tony O'Shea - top fella.
Alan Warriner-Little - nice man.
Gary Mason - alright, but scary. You may want to wiki him to find out why I was shitting myself a bit meeting him.
Steve Beaton - a gent.
Kirk Shephard - surprisingly nice.
Mervyn King - alright.
Colin Lloyd - top fella.

ASSORTED OTHERS

Will Greenwood - legend.
Helen Chamberlain - lovely, lovely, lovely.
Nicholas Parsons - utter dickhead. I literally hate him.
Matt Smith (from ITV Sport, not Dr Who) - alright.
Tino Martinez - far too good looking.

I can't remember any more. Ever met a celebrity? Leave a comment if so!

A Musical Interlude

2011-02-23T13:41:00.001Z

I don't know about you, but sometimes I hear a piece of music - normally on an advert - and think "Blimey, I KNOW that....but I don't know what it's called, or who it's by." This is, naturally, a bit frustrating. Most of the time, for me, it's classical music, as I wouldn't know my Ludwig van Beethoven from my Ludwig Wittgenstein.

So, I thought I would try and remedy this - to try and expand my musical library a little. After doing a lot of Shazaming (ignore that if you don't have an iPhone), a bit of digging, a bit of Googling and Youtubing, I found quite a few of these pieces that had annoyed me for years, and bookmarked them. However, as I have nothing else to blog about, I thought I'd share them with you all.

If you're a nerd like Dan, chances are you'll look at all of these videos and think "Well, I knew that." Well, bully for you, but I didn't, and it may be that others don't either. If I've helped out one reader by doing this, I'll be delighted. And if you don't recognise any of these at all (I'd be surprised) then don't despair - Val Duncan will write another stupid letter soon and I'll go back to my usual bloggyness.

Until then however, let's have some music!

Good luck getting that last one out of your head!

The Curious Case of Justin Bieber

2011-02-16T14:09:00.000Z

Hello again. Thanks for coming back!

The other day I was reading a magazine and eating a piece of pork pie (without piccalilli, sadly) when my eyes fell on something I found fascinating. It was this simple sentence: "The most Googled person in the world is Justin Bieber."

I slowly put down my heavenly piece of pastry and meat, and pondered something. You see, I had absolutely no fucking idea what Justin Bieber is all about.

I'm serious. Oh, I know WHO he is. I'd recognise him if he walked past me in the street - although I wouldn't give a toss - but I had no bally clue as to what he calls his profession. Film star? Singer? Nickelodeon child sensation? Comedian? Nobel Prize winner? Usually, this wouldn't bother me. Even though I'm "only" 24, I fully understand and appreciate that modern culture is whizzing past me at a rate. I'm very comfortable not knowing what a Miley Cyrus is, or who The Wanted are, or what exactly the point of Lady GaGa is. But Bieber bothered me, because to be the most Googled person on the planet you surely have to have something about you. Right?

So, I decided to go delving, and put my findings on here to a) show everyone how in touch I am, and b) to hopefully help you out if you're stuck with a Bieber fan (called a "Belieber" I believe).

I started, like every student would, with Wikipedia. The oracle of truth told me that Justin Drew Bieber was born in Ontario, Canada in March 1994. He put up videos of himself on video website Youtube, where he was spotted by a chap called Scooter Braun who quickly became his manager. Justin Bieber is now classed as a "pop-R&B singer". So I then decided to listen to some of his songs.

I loaded up "Baby" - which Wiki tells me is his most famous song on the hit parade - on Youtube, to find it's been watched over 463 MILLION times. Just think about that for a moment. The record is featuring someone called "Ludacris", who clearly has a problem with spelling. Sadly, I have a problem with the song, as (perhaps predictably) it is dreadfully shit. I then gave "One Time" (217 million views) a whirl. It isn't much better.

Judging by those two songs, Bieber is standard "teeny bopper" fare - he's a rosy cheeked little scamp that girls love, his songs are shallow and un-intelligent and he peddles out "love" songs even though he does not understand the true meaning of the word. The reception he receives from his female audience is not unusual - the world has seen it with the Osmonds, David Cassidy, David Essex, a young Michael Jackson and so on. But "Bieber Fever" seems so much more prominent, so much more aggressive and even disturbing. Lily Allen once had a laugh about him on her Twitter page, which meant that when it became public that she had lost her baby, a few "Beliebers" felt the need to repay the compliment in a slightly unacceptable manner.

What's the deal with this kid? I'm not too sure, but I have a theory. As mentioned at the start, Bieber is essentially where he is because of the internet. In the days of David Cassidy for example, girls went hysterical over him, but there was no place for them to pour out their emotions. They could have his poster on his wall, they could tell their friends on the playground, they could go to his concerts. That was about it. With Bieber, these nuts now have a way to express their (crazy) feelings - it's all the Bieber nonsense on Twitter, it's Facebook, it's all the fan websites, it's the reason for the 'most Googled' crown. Why do "hardcore" Bieber fans get unbelievably precious, aggressive and hostile? It's because they seemingly think they are "his biggest fan", and they must do/say things which reflect this. Death threats to Selena Gomez? She happens to know Bieber - this cannot continue!

Away from Bieber, there is a bigger link here - that of the cult of the celebrity. When I see people reading magazines such as "OK" and "Hello" I feel a wave of anger, followed by a bigger wave of sorrow and depression. Let's take a look at Digitalspy's front page - for this website, these things count as news:

"Bleakley 'turned down Brits invite'"
"Agron: 'Nicks visit makes Glee cast cry'"
"Neeson: 'I ran away from Richardson death'"
"Emma Watson 'growing hair for career'"

and so on. That last one is particularly galling - the idea that the length of Emma Watson's hair is anything to do with anyone on the planet except herself is just really, really sad. And you can ignore it, but you know full well in the next issue of "Heat" there'll be paparazzi pictures of Watson sporting slightly longer hair, and probably a "celebrity stylist" analysing the look and declaring judgement on it.

I love Twitter. Honestly, I think it's fucking great, but the downside to it is how it does allow people to indulge in all this celebrity nonsense. Francesca "Frankie" Sandford is a member of girl band The Saturdays (who I like, I'll admit) and I'm currently perusing the recent tweets that others have sent her. It's a bit depressing, and awfully needy. There's loads of tweets asking her to follow this random person back (she won't, understandably), a few from blokes telling her they love her, a few asking her to add them on their BlackBerry (seriously), one saying "I think I'd die if you replied to me Frankie!!" (you wouldn't, grow up) and one saying "the things I would do to meet Frankie". I have no problem with anyone tweeting/replying her, or any other "famous" person, but it really should be something worthwhile*. I daren't look at people's tweets to Bieber.

I've written more than I intended to and I'm as bored as you are, so let's wrap it up. Do I feel sorry for Justin Bieber? In a way, I do. Yes, he has money and fame etc, but I imagine his life to be one enormous pressure cooker, and I think it's unfair to heap all of this bullshit on him when he's 16. He goes along with it, of course, because I'm sure it beats going to school and being "ordinary" - and men in suits force him to go along with it, but in the long run I think it's extremely dangerous. Earlier on I mentioned how his songs are shallow - I think it's because he hasn't had a life. All the time that "Bieber fever" rages, he never will.

* I'm conveniently forgetting the projects that Dan and I run on Twitter every summer when I say that.

Insanity

2011-02-10T18:34:00.000Z

Apologies for two blog posts in a row about letters in my local paper - next blog post might be about Justin Bieber!!!! - but I just cannot ignore these two letters. Quite simply, friends, I think it's fair to say we've hit the jackpot. These two letters contain a level of sheer unbelievableness not seen since my old friend J Wendy Slark, (whatever happened to Slarkie? She disappeared altogether. I'm worried - it has been a particularly cold winter) and I know you'll love them.

I'll start with the slightly less offensive one.

With reference to letters claiming there is no evidence that bringing back the death penalty stops murders.

Those letters would be correct. The other day I found this site: http://www.tdcj.state.tx.us/stat/executedoffenders.htm

which makes for sobering reading. It's a list of people executed in Texas, and along with their information it lists their Last Statement. Have a quick look at that site - it's absolutely incredible, if that's the right word.

The thing that really jumps out at me however on that site is the length of the list - over 450 names, the first being in 1982, the last a few months ago. The last being a murderer, by the way. Death penalty stops murders happening? Hell, not in Texas.

It is a sure fact that when the murderer is sentenced to the death penalty they cannot come out and commit another crime. This is not revenge, it's justice.

Oh, aren't you funny. And witty. For anyone wanting to be a humourist, let be break this sentence down for you:

"Death penalty means they're dead, innit? Can't murder anyone then can they, because they've been murdered themselves LMAO."

I abhor the death penalty. If it did come back - and it might under this Government, y'know - I'll be on the first flight out of here. Not because I'd be particularly worried about my welfare (I'm not scheduled to murder anyone for a while, bar Val Duncan) but because I think it's appalling, hypocritical, misguided, barbaric and has the potential to cause all manner of problems. I present my case a bit more eloquently here: http://theriseandriseoftimlovejoy.blogspot.com/2010/08/green-mile.html

In that blog post I admit how terrified I am at the prospect of there being a referendum on the Death Penalty. Thick cunts like you, GM Phillips from Ironbridge, fuel my fear.

Staggeringly, out of the two letters I'm putting up here for you to read, that one is the least offensive. This next one is....well, it's the motherload.

The writer of the letter "Victory for Gay Rights" should hang his/her head in shame. Just because the law now says homosexuality is accepted, the reality is that it is man's law. But when compared to God's law (which never changes) it is still wrong.

I think I've read that paragraph six times now. I still can't quite believe it.

It is clear man is exchanging truth for a lie. If this were not so, then why would the following verses be included in the Bible?

The Bible is a bucketload of shit, okay?

According to the Bible it is a sin to:

Get a divorce
Have sex before marriage
Accuse someone
Be angry
Feel anxious
Have an argument
Show arrogance
Complain
Drink
Be disobedient
And, of course, to be homosexual.

If we're taking the Bible verbatim, we're ALL fucked.

"Because of this, God gave them over to sinful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnat...

Actually, you know what?

I'm not even going to type out the rest of the quote. I do not care. If you desperately want to read it, apparently it's Romans 1:26-27, although in the index you'll find it under "more shit".

Name and address supplied says if there is a God, he would love everyone.

I find discussions and opinions about God so futile and unnecessary. Is there a God? I don't know, neither do you. There is no evidence to suggest there is, there's no evidence to prove there isn't. Whatever you think about God, whatever your religion, I wish people would just shut up and go about their lives in a nice, positive manner regardless. And if you really need a 'holy' old book to tell you what's right or wrong, then sort yourself out.

I just wonder how mankind could fulfil God's command to procreate if it were not through man and woman?

This is all just too little. It is too clumsy, too futile, too unintelligent, too insane to even comment on. It is also the end of the letter.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_animals_displaying_homosexual_behavior apologies for the wiki link, but that page is interesting reading. Some people are gay. Some animals are gay. Get the fuck over it.

Congratulations Trevor Mytton from Shrewsbury. You've made the list.

Valedictorian Duncan

2011-02-04T16:46:00.000Z

It's Val Duncan. It's The Shropshire Star's letter page. You know the drill as well as I do.

Tony Blair

Bliar. Remember, the man lies about everything. I actually bumped into him the other day, nice man. I asked him what he got for Christmas. He told me some nice socks, but after he had walked into the cafe, Cherie told me it was actually boxer shorts. The crazy fucker just can't help himself!

was once quoted as saying it was a shame the UK was so small.

He was lying.

Obviously we didn't fit his vainglorious idea of being the big statesman on the world stage.

This is all just so depressing. I'm not Tony Blair's biggest fan, but whether you like him or not, he is yesterday's news. There are so many things to talk about at the moment - Egypt, the future of universities, the coalition, cricket spot-fixing, financial problems, Manchester United sweeping their way to a 19th league title, Korea. There is so much to discuss, with Tony Blair involved in precisely none of them.

Nevertheless, this is Val Duncan we're dealing with here. We have to be careful - she can wrong foot us at any given moment. Let's be on our guard.

We once had high standing because we had pride and achievements that far outclassed our land mass, but Blair couldn't see that. He gave away our pride and achievements, our history and our ancient laws and liberties for the dream of playing a bit part in Brussels and he came unstuck.

Yes, did you hear about this? Tony Blair gave our history away a few years back. I noticed it when I browsed a textbook in my brother's classroom the other day - apparently Winston Churchill didn't exist, and the Battle of "Britain" (remember Britain? Lol.) is now the Battle of Myanmar.

Bill Shakespeare is now Swedish, and wrote most of his work in the very first IKEA store, apparently. It's all fascinating stuff.

He took an independent country that gave the world some of the greatest inventions known to man and turned it into an over-populated, bankrupt island tagged on to the bottom end of Europe.

Yeah, that's something I noticed in a geography book - we're now at the bottom of Europe.

I get the feeling that you're a bit cynical about this, so let me just photocopy the map that was in the book and then find a way to pop it up on here. You'll be shocked....hang on, just copying it over....

Didn't believe me, did you?

With his bloated ego and lack of intelligence Blair couldn't see that he had thrown away a chance to stand with the greatest statesmen of all time by representing one of the most unique islands on the planet.

I hate this (bloated) sentence for two reasons. Firstly - whatever you think of him, Blair does stand as one of the greatest statesmen of all time. No, really, he does - and that isn't based on opinion. The simple fact is he can justifiably claim that based on three things:

1) He was Prime Minister of an important and storied nation.
2) He won 3 General Elections, which makes him tied-2nd in the all-time list in G.E. wins.
3) He served for 10 consecutive years, putting him 6th in the all-time list in that regard.

(Mind you, I'm getting my info from Wikipedia, so I may be wrong there. Walpole probably only hanged around five minutes.)

Secondly, I hate the bit about Britain being "one of the most unique islands on the planet". Maybe I'm over-analysing this, but surely, by their very nature, every fucking country is unique? Australia is not Swaziland, and Sweden is not Chile. No two countries/islands/places are the same. Perhaps similar, but never the same.

Am I over-analysing? Let me know if I am. I have better things to do then get annoyed at this idiot, and better uses of my time.

We gave the world police, underground trains, public parks, the jet engine, the internet, the light-bulb, the computer, radar, powered flight and a host of other things.

Britain gave the world lots of great things, I have to agree. As I'm generous, I'm ignoring that the first public park was in Seville, the first police force was created by Louis XIV in France, and the origins of the internet are debatable and complicated, though I take the Berners-Lee point.

Now Cameron, Clegg and Miliband are more Blair clones who can't see what they truly represent. They are selling us into political obscurity. They see no further than their own egos and they throw away the greatness within their grasp. There is nothing as sad and dangerous as an ego the size of an elephant, resting on the shoulders of weak politicians.

End of letter. You're wrong, Val. I'd wager there's elderly people out there who lap up every single letter you write - who believe it, because you say so, and so does The Daily Express.

Joseph Goebbels was good at what you do, and he summed it up nicely: "If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it."

Now that's sad and dangerous, Val.

Gray Keys

2011-01-25T18:25:00.000Z

14:53 Hello all. I have come to the university library, with the aim of doing thesis research and meeting at least three different lecturers. Which is why I'm now going to do a blog entry about Richard Keys and Andy Gray - at least, I am, after I've gone and got some lunch. I am starving. "Brb!" as the kids would say...

15:15 Chicken baguette and Lucozade orange. "Brb!"

15:29 So, where we we? Ah yes.

By now I assume you've all read/heard about this - Sky Sports presenter Richard Keys and his cohort (and former footballer) Andy Gray were caught on tape, before a game they were broadcasting, saying derogatory things about a woman called Sian Massey who was an official that day. Since the initial stuff however there's been some more fuel added to the flames, with more comments from Gray and a dash from resident prick Andy Burton:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/competitions/premier-league/8281056/Andy-Burton-dropped-by-Sky-Sports-over-Sian-Massey-conversation-with-Andy-Gray.html

I have mixed feelings about all of this, so let's tackle the initial comments first of all.

The Premier League is massive. It's awash with multi-millionaire players and managers, multi-billionaire chairmen, huge egos, huge clubs, huge stadiums and huge profits, all of which is nicely stirred together by Sky and all their power and money to create a monolith which has suppressed the rest of English football for 20 years. With this in mind, the idea that an official - in this case Sian Massey - would be chosen to run the line in a Premier League match without knowing the offside rule is worse than stupid. It's mindless, moronic nonsense which underlines just how much of a "big boys club" football still is, and it's a direct insult to her and her profession. Before I carry on however, BREAKING NEWS!

16:23 News come through that Andy Gray has been sacked. Blimey. More on that a bit later once I've had time to get my head around it.

Anyway, yes. The comments made by Keys and Gray absolutely stink - not just because of how unbelievably misguided they are, but because they are a representation of the prevailing attitudes that sadly still exist in football. Take homosexuality, for example. It's almost impossible to say how many homosexual men there are in England, but I think we can safely say that statistically, there should be at least 1 homosexual out of all the footballers who play in the Football League. Yet there isn't. Not a single openly gay footballer, and the only one I can think of who did "come out", Justin Fashanu, killed himself a few years later due to the prejudice that was destroying his life. There is no openly gay footballer currently in the Football League, presumably because they are terrified about how fellow players and fans would react. I don't blame them.

But the other comments that have surfaced today, from Gray and touchline reporter Andy Burton, I feel are different. You can see them in the link above, but the summary is essentially this:

Andy Burton: "Female linesman today, bit of a looker according to Steve the cameraman. He says she's alright...not sure I trust his judgement though."

Andy Gray: "No I wouldn't."

Crew Member: "Female assistant Andy - any good?"

Andy Gray: "Nah. I can see her from here."

As much as I hate Andy Burton (and I do) and as deplorable as Gray's previous comments were, I struggle to feel any anger or fury over this interchange whatsoever. In this instance, neither are attacking the woman in regards to her job, instead it's a general comment about attractiveness which 99% of blokes indulge in. I want to share with you all now a private conversation my friend Dan (Hi Dan! *waves*) and I had last night. I'm going to set it out just below here, in full, without any edit, and then I'll discuss it after:

Dan: "Pretty German girl in our class *swoons* i'd smash her wall etc"

Me: "Ask her if you can put your frankfurter in her Munich tunnel."

Dan: "Just made me snortlol on the bus. Not that the idea is laughable though. Not with me on the case"

Me: "It is laughable. More like a cocktail sausage isn't it?"

Dan: "Nein."

Me: "Nein mm? Sounds about right."

Ignore all the clichéd and stereotypical penis banter (a phrase I thought I'd never write) towards the end, and focus on the stuff at the beginning. Is that wrong? Is it wrong for Dan and I to make a few "Carry On" esque comments just for cheap laughs? I don't know - maybe it is, but I bet we're not the only blokes on the planet who say stuff like that in private. In fact, I know we're not - because Andy Gray and Andy Burton have displayed similar tendencies as shown above. As much as I hate Burton, I'm surprised he's been suspended, and almost feel a tad sorry for him.

Gray hasn't been suspended, he's been sacked, and since that breaking news we've since found out that his dismissal is the result not just re. Sian Massey, but also an incident last December involving colleague Charlotte Jackson.

Good. It's time football emerged from the dark ages, a time Andy Gray still dwells in. I believe Richard Keys will be going too, and again I fully endorse that decision. Get in James Richardson, or Mark Bolton, or Ben Shepherd, get in a young and enthusiastic co-commentator, and try and kick-start a new era for Sky Sports football coverage. Try and kick-start a less prejudiced game. It helps to start at the top.

18:25 Right, time to do some thesis research. Just after I go and get some dinner...

Football - Bloody Hell

2011-01-21T15:24:00.000Z

Everything you are about to read is true, which is what makes this so bloody wonderful and brilliant. It's my favourite football story of all time, and to be honest I can't believe I've not put it up on here before. I will now try and explain it as clearly as I can, although it's not easy. Turn off your music, stop eating, and read carefully...

It is the Shell Caribbean Cup, and it is 1994. Barbados are playing Grenada, and the scenario at the beginning of the game is relatively simple - Barbados need to win the game by at least 2 goals, but if after 90 minutes the score is tied, there will be Golden Goal extra-time.

The game goes as follows: Barbados take the lead, 1-0.
   Barbados score again, 2-0.
   Grenada score, 2-1.

There is five minutes left. Grenada are defending like beavers, as 2-1 is fine for them. If Barbados score again however, that's 3-1, and that's good enough for them. They launch attack after attack but just cannot breach the Grenada defence.

And then they stop, and have a think. You see, the organisers of the Shell Cup decided on a completely insane and baffling rule, which went like this - the Golden Goal scored in extra-time counted as double. The 1 goal, counted as 2. You can see where this is going, can't you? In the 87th minute, a Barbados defender deliberately scores an own-goal.

It is 2-2, and means that the game is going to extra-time, and if Barbados can just get 1 goal, that will count as 2, and they will go through - as they need to win by 2 clear goals, remember. So by scoring a deliberate own goal, they have more time and a better chance of winning the game than trying to scramble a goal with 3 minutes left.

But the Grenada players aren't stupid, and they know why Barbados have just smashed in an own goal. And this is where it gets fun - because Grenada now try and score a goal at both ends. This is complicated, but hang with me:

If Grenada a) score a legitimate goal, they win 3-2, and go through.
   b) score an own goal, they will lose 3-2, but will still go through.

However, quite hilariously the Barbados players aren't stupid either, and realise this is Grenada's new game plan. So, in the remaining 3 minutes of the 90, they try to keep hold of the ball, make sure the game is played in midfield, and defend both goals. Unbelievably, their plan works.

The game does go into extra-time, and Barbados score the Golden Goal, meaning that the game finishes 3-2, but because of the nonsense rule they effectively win 4-2, and thus go through.

http://www.snopes.com/sports/soccer/barbados.asp

Wow

2011-01-17T14:26:00.000Z

Hello all. I've sat down to write another blog entry, but I'm having doubts about it. You see, a) it will be two blog posts in a row where I bash an article from a newspaper, and I always strive to make TRAROTL varied and interesting, and b) attacking the Daily Mail is like criticising Hitler, or kicking a puppy. It's all a bit too easy, isn't it?

But then I read the article again, and I realised I have to write about it. You see, this is so much more than "Miranda is shit lolz" like the last article I referenced - this piece is shameful, disgusting, misguided, irrelevant, pointless, worthless, crass, puerile, juvenile, an insult and so many other words that I'm not clever enough to reel off at the top of my head. I'm sorry Liz Jones, but I can't ignore this:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-1347621/Joanna-Yeates-murder-Becoming-just-thumbnail-police-website.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

I'm ignoring the title, I think. The answer is "no" though, whilst we're here.

It's Friday night and I’m in the Ram bar on Park Street in Bristol.This is where Joanna Yeates spent her last evening before she set off up the hill, past all the twinkly shops and bars (a Habitat, a Space NK beauty emporium; Bristol is nothing if not upwardly mobile) towards her death.

This is particularly important. I for one never knew that Bristol had a beauty emporium, nor that it was upwardly mobile. I must visit one day.

The bar is OK but ordinary. The wine list, chalked on a board, says ‘Lauren Perrier’.

At this point I need to rein myself in a little here. I do get quite a few foreign visitors to this site - mainly those wondering who Tim Lovejoy is dating. As ever, I do not know. Nevertheless, for the benefit of our friends overseas, a little bit of back-story, if I may. This article is about a lady called Jo Yeates, who just before Christmas was murdered in her home town of Bristol, England. Her body was found on Christmas Day. It's all very horrific, sad and disturbing, and that's just the newspaper coverage of it. The simple fact that Jo was a bright, attractive young white lady means that the papers have whipped themselves into a complete frenzy over this one. As someone just remarked to me on Twitter, if a black man from a rough estate was murdered, the papers wouldn't care, and the headlines would be very different. Horrible to say that, but it's true. This article here is the latest about the murder, something I find relatively amusing considering that none of us actually know what the police are thinking right now. Anyway, let us proceed.

I wish she had spent what were probably her last hours on earth somewhere lovelier. The food is awful (I ask for a veggie burger and it comes without the burger – and without the bun!) but the young women behind the bar are sweet with huge, wary eyes.

There is so much about this paragraph which is just ghastly. I'm going to be very kind, and not remark that if you're a vegetarian you're probably a fucking idiot, but there are some things here we just cannot ignore. Is it really acceptable to write an article about a girl being murdered, and kick it off by complaining about food in a pub she happened to be in once? The horror, oh the sheer horror of it all! To me, that's like saying this:

"Picking my way through the shattered remains of Hiroshima, I found it nigh on impossible to locate a decent sushi bar."

Not my work that one - credit to @NicholasPegg on Twitter. I do love Liz's 'huge, wary eyes' comment - it smacks of satire, but the gas here is that you know full well it isn't. It's just horrid.

Alex is working her way through uni, where she is studying English. She comes from London and her parents are now terrified something is going to happen to her.

She was working in the bar on the night of December 17, when Joanna was having a drink before heading home. ‘I don’t remember her,’ she says.

‘It was so busy that night. I used to walk home but I always get a cab now.’

Lyn, with white blonde hair, who was also working here that night, says she is ‘more fearful now, I’m more nervous. It’s just so mysterious’.

These women have every right to be a little more nervous than usual, but I absolutely hate this section. It's peddling fear, something these papers do very well and very often. Someone as cynical as me can ignore it, but I do worry about my Gran. Every time I talk to her she starts a sentence with "I read in The Express..." and it will end with some nonsense like "...and then the meteor will kill us all, so I'm off out to panic buy some bread. You can never be too sure." As far as we know, Jo's death was an isolated incident, and has not been linked with others. Should women be a bit more worried? Perhaps so, yes. But it's not like there's a serial killer going round.

I leave the bar at 8pm and retrace Joanna’s steps. Even though it’s January, the streets are packed. There are a couple of women joggers but they are with boyfriends or husbands.

I walk past the beautiful university building on my right, with Waitrose on my left. I wander the bright aisles, full of young women rushing round after work, leaving with carrier bags and expectation.

I head up the hill towards Clifton, the leafy part of the city. It’s quieter now, and darker. I find Tesco, and go in. I almost buy that upmarket pizza; the choice tells me Jo wanted a lovely life, something above the ordinary.

Yes, you can tell that, just by the pizza she bought. Naturally. I saw someone buying a Mars bar the other day - bet he's a right cunt. And abuses his wife.

There is one police van on the green as I turn right into Canynge Road. I bet Jo’s heart lifted as she reached this junction, looking forward to the feeling only a Friday night near Christmas can give you. As I near her basement flat, at No 44, the road is quiet. Earlier in the day there had been an ITN news van here but it has gone now. I’m reassured to see two policemen standing vigil at her iron gate, either side of a small, discreet pile of flowers in varying degrees of decay. I tell them I’m spooked, walking here. ‘Don’t be spooked,’ one says. ‘Residents are campaigning to get brighter street lights installed.’

Brighter street lights - good idea.

So the antique, lovely ones are to disappear to be replaced by ugly ones because of something even uglier.

Or not, clearly.

That afternoon I had gone to the lane where Jo’s body was found. It was horrible and windswept. I don’t know what I had expected but not this.

I didn't know what you expected either, to be honest. A fun fare? An Indian restaurant? Noel Edmonds?

There was no ceremony here, no policeman, just that lovely face on a now dog-eared poster. I got the feeling the world is starting to forget Jo, that she’ll become just another thumbnail on the Avon and Somerset Police website, along with the faces of the other murder victims no one can recall.

She was a bright, attractive white female. No chance love.

I’d have expected the cars to slow down here to show respect but they sped past, carrying people on their way home from work.

Literally insane. Liz, you're the person who slows down at car crashes aren't you?

The lane is narrow. I can’t see how a car stopped here and a man struggled with a body without being beeped at and told to get out the way, as I was.

Perhaps there wasn't a struggle there. I don't know. Neither do you. Let's stop playing Nancy Drew for a minute, eh?

There were no messages with the flowers, just one card, still sealed in its Cellophane. The person who left it hadn’t bothered to scrawl a note. Leaving Jo’s flat, I return to my car. My satnav takes me to the Clifton Suspension Bridge.

The theory is the killer took the long route from the flat to where he dumped the body to avoid the CCTV cameras. Perhaps he also wanted to avoid the 50p toll.

I don’t have 50p and try tossing 30p and a White Company button into the bucket. It doesn’t work.

There is now an angry queue behind me. Isn’t it interesting that you can snatch a young woman’s life away from her in the most violent, painful, frightening way possible, take away her future children, her future Christmases, take away everything she loves, and yet there are elaborate systems in place to ensure you do not cross a bridge for only 30 pence?

Isn't it fucking disgusting that thousands of children died in Haiti last year, yet I'm not allowed to buy a PS3 for 12p and a tube of Smarties? Fucking joke.

Finally, a man in a taxi jumps out, and runs to me brandishing a 50p piece. ‘Not all men are monsters,’ he says, grinning. Maybe not. But one monster is all it takes.

He didn't say that.

End of article. One of the most insensitive things I've ever read, and I pray that Jo's parents never set eyes on this bullshit.

Miranda

2011-01-10T14:30:00.000Z

Over Christmas, someone linked me to an article which they knew I'd hate. And funnily enough, I did. So I saved it, because I knew that at some point in January I'd dig it out of my Bookmarks list and have a look at it. "So here we are now", as Father Todd Unctuous once said.

You may or may not be familiar with the comedienne Miranda Hart. In my opinion, she's quite funny. That's tough for me to say, as I'm of the opinion that 99.9% of women are spectacularly un-amusing. In fact, let's just take a moment to list funny females:

Linda Smith
Clare Grogan (in Father Ted)
That woman off The Vicar of Dibley who isn't Dawn French. You know, the thick one.
Pamela Stephenson

Erm....

Well, yes, exactly. ANYWAY I quite like Miranda Hart, and I do like her sitcom "Miranda". Really, I do. Is it the greatest thing ever made? No. Is it going to win a bajillion BAFTAs? No. Is it the smartest comedic writing since Frasier? Definitely not.

So what is it? For me, it's just a bit of fun. It's light-hearted, it's warm, and the majority of characters are likeable. It's a sitcom you can watch with your parents, and there's always a bit of physical humour which kids would appreciate. There's no swearing, and no crude humour - I'm not a prude, at all, but sometimes it's welcome to watch comedy that can be aired before 9pm.

Nevertheless it does seem fashionable at the moment to hate the programme, which I struggle to understand as there's far, far worse out there (I'm looking at you, "Big Top") and it's not really harmful in any way. However, maybe I'm about to understand why people hate it so. Because Catherine Gee has written, for The Torygraph, six points as to why she thinks it's rubbish. Let's have a look.

One: Canned laughter. Once upon a time, audience laughter was used to signal where the jokes were, when producers thought that viewers wouldn’t be able to figure it out for themselves. Now that comedies such as The Office and Peep Show have proved said viewers more than capable, it seems strange to still use it. Even stranger is the audience's apparent need to squeal with laughter at the most insignificantly small remarks.

Utter rubbish. To compare a sitcom like 'Miranda' with 'The Office' is absolutely insane, as they are two very different beasts. A laughter track/audience laughter would never have suited the 'The Office', just on the basis of it's "mockumentary" style. In Catherine's point here there is an assumption that a sitcom which has audience laughter recorded onto it is somehow bad. To my knowledge it never stopped Fawlty Towers, Frasier, Friends, Only Fools and Horses etc. from being successful.

Two: The jokes are about as original as a clown slipping on a banana skin. Yelling “my eyes” at the sight of something rude was reused countless times by Friends in the Nineties. As was, come to think of it, the overbearing mother who wished to marry off her daughter. And the overly sexually liberated parents. And the male friend who struggles to prove his masculinity

It's fucking difficult to write something that is original nowadays. Yes, some of the characters are clichéd (as we'll see in the next point). But again, that's not necessarily a BAD thing - it only would be if it was a direct rip-off from 'Friends', and I defy anyone to watch 'Miranda' and think "Oh yeah - this is just like 'Friends' innit?" The really hilarious thing about this point is that the relationship between the mother and the daughter is the best thing about the show. Clichéd? Yeah, sure, but it works. It really does.

Three: The role she’s written for herself is basically the socially inept sibling you’re embarrassed to introduce to people. Why voluntarily watch them at their most excruciating? Every week?

Alan Partridge. David Brent. Basil Fawlty. Blackadder. Private Godfrey. Father Dougal. PC Goody. Woody Boyd. Frank Spencer.

All of those characters come from brilliant sitcoms, and yet they all have severe character faults. Some are stupid, some are excruciatingly arrogant and smug, some are bad-tempered, some are nasty and spiteful. Yet as characters they work really really well, the majority of the time when they have someone to play off. This is the same in 'Miranda' - she may be slightly socially inept, but that's in direct contrast to her friends and her aspirational mother. Earlier on I stressed that the show is quite sedate and simple, so I don't want to think about these things too deeply, but to claim that the character is un-watchable because she's often awkward is a really rubbish point.

Four: It considers itself old-fashioned but seems to have only retained the worst aspects of the sitcoms of yesteryear– the cheap sets being just one. Vintage comedies such as Fawlty Towers and The Good Life may have been built out of reinforced cardboard, but at least they were backed up by likable characters and genuinely funny jokes.

Really? There's only one character in the show I don't like, and that mainly stems from the fact that every episode this character starts waving a picture of Heather Small's head around whilst singing badly.

Five: The humour relies purely on Hart’s attention-seeking oddball behaviour and rarely rises above the immature level of toilet humour and falling over gags. Or on the hope that breaking into song at inappropriate moments will remain amusing for an entire series.

Fawlty Towers is possibly the greatest thing of all time, and reflecting on it I realise how much physical comedy plays a part in it. Admittedly this is aided by John Cleese who is so wonderful at it, but think for a moment - the Hitler walk he does, the moose falling on his head, the abuse he dishes out to Manuel, when he implores Polly to hit him, when he accidentally gropes the girls breast, when the guests return back to find him lying on top of Manuel. I'm sure there's more but that's just off the top of my head, but my point is that if it's okay for the best thing evah~!, it's good enough for me. There's a lot of falling over in 'Miranda', yes. Is that necessarily a bad thing? No.

And of course let's not forget when Del Boy fell through the bar....and Trigger made a face.

Six: Miranda’s asides to the camera are completely unnecessary. In the episode in which she and her mother find themselves in a therapist’s office, Miranda asks the therapist (played by the woefully underused Mark Heap) if the fruit in his bowl was real. He responds by asking the old psychiatrist cliché: “How do you mean?” After she simply rephrases the question, she turns to camera and adds “I don’t know how to make it any clearer.” It’s a struggle to decide whether Hart considers her viewers to be so mentally challenged that they can’t see the joke implied, or if she genuinely thinks she's being funny.

This is such an unbelievably petty thing. So petty in fact that the cynical part of me ponders whether you were asked to write 6 points, but could only come up with 5 so had to cobble a load of shit together to pass off as the 6th one. You can't bullshit a bullshitter, Gee.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvandradio/8215227/Miranda-love-her-or-hate-her.html is the link for the article, which also contains a brief defence of the show and lots of varied comments from readers.

Such fun!

Just for Men (Well, Ben)

2011-01-03T00:04:00.000Z

2011 Bucket List entrants and their selections:

Ewar (Defending Champion)

1. Margaret Thatcher
2. Dick van Dyke
3. Jocky Wilson
4. Doris Day
5. Tony Benn

G

1. David Cameron
2. Louie Spence
3. Stacey Solomon
4. Will Ferrell
5. Freddie Highmore

Dan

1. Jake LaMotta
2. Zsa Zsa Gabor
3. Denis Norden
4. James Garner
5. Kim Jong Il

Cynical Ben

1. Hugh Hefner
2. James Best
3. Patrick Macnee
4. Helmut Schmidt
5. Yitzhak Shamir

No, I don't know either.

Cash

1. Margaret Thatcher
2. Elton John
3. Justin Bieber
4. Vernon Kay
5. Charlie Sheen

Hallstar74

1. Margaret Thatcher
2. Prince Philip
3. Angela Lansbury
4. Pope Benedict
5. Jimmy Saville

Good luck to all of you chaps. The Bucket List Game - making death fun!

The Bucket List

2010-12-29T12:21:00.000Z

Hope you all had a lovely Christmas, guys! Mine was good, tempered slightly by the fact that our internet went down on Boxing Day and has only just returned this morning (29th Dec). Virgin Media, get the fuck out.

Also over the Christmas period, my letter criticising Val Duncan made it into The Sloppy Star (see previous blog entries) and her response followed a few days later. It was awful nonsensical bullshit, and hopefully I'll get round to posting about it in a few days time (providing Mother doesn't throw the paper away first). However, because the New Year is rapidly approaching, it's time to play a game that my influential Uncle (he who told me about Edward Woodward / Ewar Woowar) taught me. It's macabre, and it's a bit naughty, so if you are offended - please, fuck off now.

Every year, "famous" people die. This is naturally unfortunate, but a very British sense of dark humour seems to dictate that we cope with this sad news by thinking up jokes about the deceased. I'm not too sure why, but there we go. The Bucket List Game is a slight variation on this morbid thinking, and goes along something like this:

Each player can pick up to, and including, 5 celebrities who they think will "peg it" between 1st January - 31st December 2011.
The game is played based on GMT. Therefore, a death recorded at 00:37 GMT time (1/1/2012) and 19:37 EST time (31/12/2011) will NOT count.
Players must not pick a celebrity who is known to have a terminal illness at the time. This is cheating.
Players must NOT pick the same celebrity on CONSECUTIVE years. If you're playing the game for the first time on the basis of this blog post, this rule won't apply to you.
Picks are not exclusive to a single player. Multiple/all players having the same celebrity is within the rules.
There will not be a prize for the winner. That's a little too macabre. There will however be acclaim from your fellow players. Which leads me onto...

It's 13:00 on December 29th, which means for the 2010 Bucket List Game, there are mere hours left in the game. Let's take a moment then to look at the scores currently:

Ewar (for it is me) - ONE point (1)

Dan - NO points (0)

G - NO points (0)

Cash - NO points (0)

Unless things change dramatically in the hours remaining, I win! Because I'm great. God bless, Norman Wisdom. God bless and good speed.

If you'd like to play this upcoming year, get in touch. Blog comment, e-mail, tweet, smoke signal....I'm very contactable. We're all going to have Thatcher on our lists, aren't we?

Ewar's Guide to Christmas

2010-12-21T15:03:00.000Z

Hello all. I appreciate this is late (I am typing this on the 21st Dec) but I thought I'd give you a quick run-down of what to do/what not to do this Christmas. I'm delighted to say that I have a diverse array of hardcore readers to this blog - lovely ladies, West Brom fans, Americans, Twitter friends and hardcore Socialists - so I'll try and cater for as many of you as I can. Let's have it then:

1) When shopping, be prepared.

Seriously. If you're going into, say, a shopping centre, have a list just like you would if you were going to the supermarket. As my father and Roy Keane like to say - "fail to prepare, and prepare to fail". A list will help you to pinpoint the exact stores you need to go to, thus saving you time and energy, and also reduces the chances of an impatient person such as myself wanting to behead you when you wander around aimlessly, dawdling with a glazed look in your eyes. Of course, a list written by another person, when you're looking for presents, is also a good idea as it eliminates the chances of giving someone a crappy present. Which leads me onto....

2) Try to avoid gift cards.

I could write an essay on why gift cards are very sneaky and naughty, but let's stay on theme. For someone you don't know brilliantly well - a colleague, a distant family member who's managed to invite himself round for dinner - a gift card is not a bad choice as such. However for others who are closer to you, it smacks of laziness. If you are going to purchase one, do try to tailor it for the person in question.

For my birthday my sister got me an iTunes gift card, which was bloody brilliant as I could use it not just for music but for other downloads, including apps that aren't free. Brilliant. My sister used her brain - it was a simple present, but a smart one. If you know someone who LOVES shopping in, say, Game, go for a Game gift card. However if their purchasing habits are broader - say they like buying books, but for the cheapest price and they don't have any particular brand loyalty - don't get them a Waterstones gift card, but a more general book one that can be used in any good bookshop.

3) Think on your feet. Especially when queuing.

The other day I went to Greggs for some lovely saturated fat for my lunch. Naturally, there was a queue, so whilst I waited in line I decided to be proactive. I took out £2 of my wallet. I looked at the prices, and realised I could afford a steak bake and a can of Coke. Once I got to the front of the queue, the conversation went thus:

Lady: Next please.
Ewar (for it is me): A steak bake please.
Lady: Anything else love?
Ewar: Can of Coke please.
Lady: That will be £1.80 please.

I thus handed over my £2, I got my 20p change and I exited. This whole exchange took...at the very most 30 seconds.

Now, that may all sound very basic and slightly patronising, but clearly the woman in front of me needs to be informed of this etiquette. I'm not being funny, but waiting until you are being served to decide what you want, and then looking shocked at the revelation that you actually have to pay for what you want is a bit of a twat's trick. I try and take the shortest amount of time, not just for myself, but for the others behind me. "Think On!" as that ex-copper in I'm Alan Partridge liked to say.

4) It's Christmas Day, and the key here is to pace yourself. Quite simply, it is a rookie mistake to stuff yourself with the main meal itself. Why? It's not going anywhere. Tomorrow, you can have sandwiches with the turkey, you can make strangely nice Bubble and Squeak with the leftover veg and the mini sausages with bacon go down nicely on their own.

So, chill out. Take your time. After the main meal you might have pudding. You might have cake. You might have pudding wine. You might have chocolates. You might have mince pies. Whatever you have, the key is to be prudent. Like I said, it will be there for days to come, there's no rush. Making yourself feel poorly on Christmas Day due to over-eating is so last decade. However....

5) Stock up on toilet paper.

You know?

6) There won't be anything good on TV. There just won't. So instead of moaning about it, indulge in some family time instead. Play a board game, or play cards. Let's be honest, in this day and age, if there really is something you want to watch, you can always record it. You're not doing anything on Boxing Day anyway, let's be honest. Talk to your elder relatives. Yes, they'll bore you, and yes, they smell of sprouts, but you'll miss them when they've gone.

Maybe.

7) Be nice! No-one wants an argument over Christmas. Admittedly, it may be fun at the time, but you'll spend the rest of the year reflecting on it. Be patient and tolerant - if it's because of "not sure if welcome" family members - it is only for one day and one meal, after all.

8) Make sure you listen to "Driving Home For Christmas" by Chris Rea at least once. A finer Christmas record there never has been, nor will there ever be.

9) Make sure you wear the paper hat from your cracker when eating the main meal. And, yes, the little gifts in the crackers are shit. Deal with it.

10) Have a Merry bloody Christmas.

Stop! Reading Time!

2010-12-17T13:52:00.000Z

I've mentioned before on this blog about my book-buying addiction. Quite simply, it needs to stop. Earlier, the car pulled up outside, and as the man got The Book People box out of his car, I literally squealed for joy. This isn't healthy.

Nor is it helpful, as none of the books you are about to see are ones I need to read for university. They are here simply because I like reading. There's no shame in that, of course, but after opening the box, and adding it's contents to the books I already own but haven't read yet, it did flicker through my mind that maybe this is a little shameful:

December 13th

2010-12-13T01:52:00.000Z

Last Thursday I was sitting in the hall of my brother's Primary school trying to watch a Nativity play, but my mind was elsewhere. At that exact same time, amidst all the chaos, the protests and the rioting, the University funding vote was happening down in Westminster. As well as that, someone told Dan that a uni assignment was due in - not for the middle of January as previously thought - but for the very next day, resulting in a MMS conversation riddled with confusion, apprehension and copious amounts of blue language. After sending another panicky text, I looked up to the stage to see my brother hand a gold box to Mary, speak his line and then turn to give me the thumbs up. I was very proud, but it got me thinking.

My brother, and all those other children on that stage, don't know what tuition fees are. They don't know where Afghanistan is, they weren't born when September 11th happened, they don't know about all the hate and awful things that exist in the world, and they don't have any real responsibilities, bar going to school every weekday.

It's impossible of course, but part of me yearns to go back to my childhood. When it's football every lunchtime, where there's no exams, no worries about girls or money, where it's packed lunches, and cartoons, and spaghetti hoops for tea and Gerry Anderson programmes, where it's a good nights sleep every night and Saturday evening TV was great. It's Sharpe, Cantona and Schmeichel.

The funny thing is, the other part of me likes this age right now. Where it's fantastic games consoles, it's alcohol, it's having money, and freedom. It's knowledge, it's fantastic literature, gigs and adult humour. Where it's David Attenborough programmes, smart phones, Sky TV, HD TV, 3D TV. It's Evra, Nani and Rooney.

Perhaps it's too easy to reminisce. Too easy to look back and say "Everything was so much better then!". There's only so many episodes of Captain Scarlet I could watch, after all. Perhaps in life, we should never look back - only forwards, with occasional glances sideways. Or perhaps the great golfer Walter Hagen was right, when he said:

You're only here for a short visit. Don't hurry. Don't worry. And be sure to smell the flowers along the way.

I don't know. What I do know however is that this blog entry has turned into an episode of The Wonder Years, it's 2am, I've drunk far too much sherry and I really need to stop this shit and go to bed. Oh, and it's my birthday. Happy birthday, me.

Sloppy Sloppy Goodness

2010-12-08T21:59:00.000Z

It's The Sloppy Star. It's Val Duncan from Telford. You know the drill.

A nationwide vote will be held if there is another European treaty, ministers have vowed.

Interesting. Well, thanks for that Val. Have a lovely Christmas, won't you?

Do they think we fell off a Christmas tree?

I very much doubt it, Val. Mainly because I can't think of one single occasion - real or fictional - where someone has fallen off a Christmas tree. Generally, it doesn't really tend to happen. Don't get me wrong- judging by the shit you write into the letters pages with every so often, there's a good chance you have suffered some kind of injury to the brain. Nevertheless, did it occur after falling off a Christmas tree? Not likely, know what I'm saying?

That would make a good episode of Corrie, though. Fuck tram crashes.

Do they think we don't know the Lisbon Treaty is self-amending?

Yes, did you not hear about this? An interesting new concept, where a written treaty amends itself. Yeah, it's clever like that. Think they borrowed the idea from Harry Potter, and then a team of nerds spent a year devising it. Pretty much like how my laptop automatically updates itself.

Are we not aware that the EU will take bits of power time after time until they get all they want?

Val's next paragraph may just be one of my favourite things ever written. Honestly. It is magnificent.

Then they can split our country into regions with a number already registered. England will probably become part of France under French rule.

Wow - and I mean that.

I've just sat here for 5 minutes pondering how to tackle this. I'm still not too sure, however what I will do is make an open appeal to the person who edits The Slop's letters page, right now:

Sir,

I honestly think Val Duncan is mentally ill. For proof, please see the paragraph above. May I request that you seriously re-consider publishing her letters in the future? It is only embarrassing her family.

Kind regards,

Ewar

For pity's sake stop thinking you are all so clever and everyone believes you...because they don't.

End of letter. Another classic, Val.

HOWEVER.

I have a problem here, Val. Because in a previous letter you wrote into The Slop, you said, AND I QUOTE, this:

"By this time next year there will probably not be a Westminster Parliament or any need for one."

How do I know you said this Val? Because I wrote a blog post, just like this one, about your letter from which that paragraph came from. Said blog post can be found here:

http://theriseandriseoftimlovejoy.blogspot.com/2009/08/sorry-mr-anonymous.html

When did I write that blog entry? Why, it appears to be Sunday, 23rd August 2009. Which, by my basic maths, means your statement of:

"By this time next year there will probably not be a Westminster Parliament or any need for one."

is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Which is why, Val, as soon as I finish this blog entry, I will be e-mailing in a letter of my own to The Shropshire Star. Will they print it? I don't know. Probably not. But just in case they don't, here's the gist of my letter:

Now that I've proved that you are WRONG, I want a public apology, particularly for anyone who was naive enough to be misled by your outlandish statement. Also, now that everyone can see you are WRONG, I ask that you stop embarrassing yourself. Stop writing in with these ridiculous letters which the majority of people point at and laugh, and do something else instead. That is all.

Hear that sound, Val? That's the sound of a gauntlet being thrown down, love.

Bad News Bears

2010-12-04T16:42:00.000Z

Oh dear. I know I shouldn't, I really do. But I have. It's an inexcusable crime for someone as world-weary and cynical as me, but as I'm tired I've left my guard slip a little, and they've got to me.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1335406/The-Saturdays-make-glum-departure-Heathrow.html

Yes, The Daily Mail has annoyed me. I know, I know. Oh Lord, I KNOW! I also know that ranting about that organ on the internet is not very original and you've seen it all before. But, fuck it. Let's analyse this shit!

The short days and bitter cold weather has had a lot of people down in the dumps.

So it is not surprising that girl band The Saturdays looked a little sour this morning as they arrived at Heathrow this morning in the early hours.

A little sour. You read that girls? You bunch of utter bitches. Sour. I don't know about you, but when I clicked on that link, and saw Rochelle, the glass of milk beside me literally curdled.

The singers were far from their usual bubbly selves as they made their way through the airport to catch their morning flight to Glasgow.

All five of them appeared decidedly glum as they arrived at the terminal wrapped up warm against the freezing pre-dawn chill.

Eagle-eyed readers will have noticed the conclusion of that sentence there. "The freezing pre-dawn chill." Now, I'm not being funny, but this all happened this morning (Friday 3rd December 2010). This morning, I wasn't too chuffed at getting up at 7:30am to take my brother to school. In the car at 8am it said that the temperature outside was -5c, so you can imagine what the temperature was like a few hours earlier. At an airport, places I've always found to be notoriously cold. The girls look a little glum? It's not really ridiculously shocking that, is it?

Rochelle Wiseman complained about her early morning wake-up call to followers on Twitter the night before.

'My alarm is set for 4.15am *unimpressed face* do I go to sleep or stay up?!' she wrote.

I wouldn't say that was "complaining" as such. What I would say to Rochelle is to try and get some sleep. Four hours sounds nothing but sleep works in patterns of four hour cycles, so having a little kip is a bajillion times more beneficial for you than not sleeping. Oh, wait, this is in the past. Still, remember that for next time kids! And you Rochelle! Now, onto the boring fashion stuff.

The 21-year-old was well prepared for the cold weather in a striped knitted jumper, leather and shearling vest, and carrying an extra overcoat on her arm. She managed to dress for both warmth and style though, adding high heel boots and a leopard print scarf to the ensemble.

Mollie King, 23, wore a knee-length military coat over stockings and a Russian-style fur hat for the flight. She added extra warm shearling-lined gloves and a pair of on-trend heeled Nitkowski boots from Aldo. Una Healy hid her tired eyes behind large sunglasses, and also managed to combine comfort and fashion with a pair of bedazzled Ugg boots. The 29-year-old redhead wore a butterfly-print T-shirt over leggings and a leather jacket. Baby of the group Vanessa White looked to be the most put-out by the early start. The singer, who recently turned 21, looked miserable as she arrived for the flight north. Wearing a belted tan coat with black trousers, platforms and a knit scarf, Vanessa hauled a large polka dot overnight bag.

Rising before dawn to deal with queues, security checks and custom officers at the airport is not many people's cup of tea.

It isn't, no. Correct. Well done. So therefore you've just undermined your whole article. The Saturdays are humans, just like the rest of us. I think you've just realised yourself how cretinous it is to blame a group of people for looking ever so slightly glum about a flight at 5am when it's about fucking -10c outside.

But it is hard to feel sorry for the celebrities, who would have skipped the uncomfortable waiting areas and lengthy lines.

Sorry, I forgot. They control the weather. They control the clock. How could I be so fucking stupid? I'll talk about The Sats a bit more in a minute, because I notice you've plumped for the old "they earn shitloads don't feel sorry for them" line. Oh, don't worry. I'll get to that.

In fact, Rochelle soon seemed to cheer up once she had checked in, and found time for a bit of shopping with band mate Vanessa.

The singer tweeted: 'Airport shopping is DANGEROUS!!!!!'

'Thanks to everyone at REISS for looking after @vanessawhite and I this morning xx'

Mollie King appeared to be on hand for some retail advise, adding: 'I've been with two deliberating Sats this morning and they both went for it in the end woohooooo!'

Young woman in shopping shocker! And whilst I'm here, I find this new trick from journalists - throwing in tweets from the celeb in question or "ordinary folk" about the celebrity - is just really, really shit. I understand they have word limits to hit and it's a fantastic filler, but in respect to proper journalism it's proper shit. Yes, I know, I know, it's a stupid piece for a stupid paper, but could they not at least pretend to be at least trying?

The girls were back on the social networking site upon landing in Scotland, with Rochelle writing on her page: 'I thought I saw snow...and then I landed in Glasgow.. Lordy.' Frankie Sandford added: 'Landed in the north pole! Brrrrr.'

Yes, you see, what is this? This is nothing. If I wrote this in an essay, I'd be fucking crucified. Voley would probably quite literally castrate me.

Despite the girls thinking they had arrived in colder temperatures, Glasgow actually had a warmer forecast today than London.

The Scottish city was expecting temperatures of 1c, while London got down to -4c.

The girls were far more upbeat when the performed onstage at the Key103 Jingle Bell Ball in Manchester on Wednesday night in little sequined dresses.

Of course they were.

Their trip North will be fleeting, as they are due back in London in time for the London Jingle Bell Ball, thrown by Capital FM, on Sunday night.

And this is where I want to talk a little bit about The Saturdays. You see there was a show on ITV2 a month or two back entitled 'The Saturdays 24:7". It did what it says on the tin - it followed the band members around all day every day for about a month or so and filmed the "interesting" bits. It wasn't very good, but the one thing that struck me was just how hard those girls work. Early morning wake up calls are the norm, as are hotel rooms. They spend so much time travelling - performing at a concert before driving a few hours to the next one is common. When they have a single/album out, it's non-stop promotion. A meet and greet with fans, then off to a shopping centre to sign about 500 CDs, then off to a nightclub to perform their new single. Next day, about 10 radio interviews - where you answer the same questions over and over and over - and then some more performances. During the week, TV - where you answer the same questions over and over and over- and other media obligations. Not feeling well? Tough shit. Get out there and dance your heart out - record company want this single to be in the Top 5 in the charts this week, otherwise you're done. And so on and so forth.

Don't get me wrong. They are/will be very rich girls, their "job" is something which billions of girls dream about doing and they seem to be having the time of their lives. Deep down they probably know it won't last much longer, so they're enjoying it whilst they can. Let it be made loud and clear that my heart hardly bleeds for them, and I certainly don't feel "sorry" for them, but it annoys me when the tabloids go down this road.

For me, there's a bigger issue here. When my Dad was young (a long time ago, admittedly) newspapers were vitally important as they were the main source of news. There were good papers and shit papers back then as well, but they gave you the news nevertheless. Nowadays, they don't. Where do you get your news from? Your computer. Your iPhone app. Ceefax. 24 hour rolling news channels. Pretty much from anywhere except from newspapers published the next day. So the newspapers had to adapt, in order to survive. Nowadays in your newspaper it largely isn't news. It's political bias, it's opinion, it's scandal, it's speculation and rumour, and it's largely crap like "Some girls aren't jumping for joy at getting on a plane at 5am when it's about -10c, but we paid people to take their photos at their time so here's a fucking stupid article to make them pretend that their jobs are worthwhile."

The sad fact though is that people seem to lap this shit up. We've become Americanised in regards to "celebrity". We've become a nation where the paps have to take a photograph of an actress as she does her weekly shop, or a footballer fills up his car at the petrol station. A nation where celebrities have to play the media game. To become friendly with slimes like Piers Moron and Richard Desmond, so that they'll get positive press and their wrongdoings won't be published before they can take out a super-injunction. A nation where one man influences so many others in regards to who they should vote for, and the really hilarious thing is that he's Australian.

Do you have a story about a celebrity? Call the Daily Mail showbusiness desk on 0207 938 6364 or 0207 938 6683.

I've been trying to think of a way to wrap up this blog entry, but I've realised that Neil Hannon says it better than I ever could. We've entered Generation Sex, and we can never get out:

"Lovers watch their backs

As hacks

In macs

Take snaps

Through telephoto lenses

Chase Mercedes

Benzes through the

night

A mourning nation weeps

And wails

But keeps

The sales

Of evil tabloids healthy

The poor protect

the wealthy in

this world

Generation sex

Injects

The sperm

Of worms

Into the eggs of field mice

So you can look

real nice for the

boys

And generation sex

Is me

And you

And we

Should really all

know better"

Three Cheers for Pixar

2010-11-24T12:53:00.000Z

Hallo again all.

To be perfectly honest, I was going to blog about that arse Gillian McKeith today, but just as I was loading up Blogger something on Twitter caught my eye.

I'm not gay, unsurprisingly for someone who thinks about women 99% of the day, but I think we're all aware - whatever sexuality we are - that "coming out" must be an unbelievably hard thing to do, and an incredibly brave thing to do as well. Sadly there's still a culture of homophobia and un-acceptance that surrounds homosexual people. Just look at professional football in this country, where (to my knowledge) there is precisely zero openly gay footballers playing at the moment. The only one I can think of from the past, Justin Fashanu, hanged himself after being wrongly accused of sexual assault and disowned by his brother for the crime of being homosexual.

The good people at Pixar have made a short video, in an attempt to change attitudes around the world. It's not much, but at just 8 minutes long it's worth a watch: